Affairs and the ‘perfect marriage’

[Maybellissimo]

I’ve posted before about my dsis dh’s affairs and him posting nude pics of himself to other women. They are now separated pending divorce. Our family is in pieces, they seemed so happy, he was such considerate, loving, caring husband, would do anything for my sister, he was the last person we thought would turn out to be a sex pervert pig. There was one woman who he had an affair with who contacted my sister to apologise. She said that he told her his marriage was perfect but he was weak and just a man, and she was beautiful and he couldn’t resist her. They are no longer seeing each other. My dsis is devastated, pregnant and in therapy. I don’t understand why he did it. Why do happily married people cheat? Especially if they feel themselves that their marriage is good?

Because some men just can't resist - that's how it is. They have everything at home, see that someone is interested in them and can't help themselves. I think if an attractive blonde put it on 10 married men in their late 20's/early 30's, at least half would do it if they thought their OH wouldn't find out

I think some people feel they are entitled to behave as they wish and believe they won’t be caught so as long as nobody knows then where’s the harm in it.

I know a few blokes (not well and never been involved with them) who are just great guys, except they’re actually habitual cheaters who don’t give enough of a shit about their wives/partners to keep their dick in their pants.

I imagine I also, without realising, know a couple of women like that too. They just really are better at hiding it.

I’m sorry your sister has been hurt by the man she thought she would spend the rest of her life with

"She said that he told her his marriage was perfect but he was weak and just a man, and she was beautiful and he couldn’t resist her. " She sounds a charming woman!

How lucky your sister is to have you there to support her. Sometimes a guy can seem to have everything but still follows his dick. Why? - who knows? Your poor sister; and all the family.

We were talking about this the other day. My view is that men (or some men, anyway) see sex and love as two distinct things. So they actually do love their wife, they just fancy a bit of animal sex with someone else....which they see as entirely separate from their feelings about the relationship they're in. One is about love and life; the other is just an urge, like scratching an itch. Women (not all women, of course) often see sex and love as far more intertwined, with sex as an expression of feelings for someone.

Its a deeply driven instinct. Sex on the animal level is about procreation. A Male animal is programmed to procreate on the subconscious level with as many partners as possible. Passing his DNA on.

Its only the advent of religion that monogamy has been the "norm"

Our Evolution , assuming it is desirable to be monogamous evolutionarily speaking - will take a lot longer than a couple of thousand years to catch up with the human / animal experience.

Why do happily married people cheat?

He clearly wasn’t happy

He said he was happy. He told this other woman he was happily married

I can’t get my head any of it

sacredgeometry that’s really interesting. Any articles you can put my way I’d like to read more about it?

It's just not true that only 'unhappy' people cheat - I really thought that myth had been put to bed . Many people are very happy with their partners but just want the thrill of an affair. That's why they go to such lengths to hide it - and stay married.

I don't buy all this men only want sex and women only want love bullshit either. It's much more complex than that. Plenty of women (me included) enjoy good sex simply for what it is without needing it to be some sort of romantic fairytale - and likewise if men only wanted sex, they would all go to prostitutes, wouldn't they? I think for many men sex is also about feeling desired and attractive - same as for women, but perhaps it's also a greater ego boost.

OP - I'm sorry for your Dsis. But a man who cheats on his pregnant wife - is not a man to build your life with. I'm glad she's got you and the family for support.

Seems very self destructive
A bit like, fuck it this is too perfect I am going to fuck it up. Because it’s “in my dna” I’ve heard that before.

Ego boost mainly. Lack of thrill.

Have they been together long?

@maybellisimo the book ‘mating in captivity’ and Esther Perel’s work in this area may be of interest

Some people will say anything to try and make themselves believe it. Clearly your BIL was not happy. He probably wasn't unhappy as such but obviously was unfulfilled and didn't love your dsis.
There is also an expectation to be happy when your life / marriage seems perfect to other people.

This is an Esther Perel piece that gives you the gist of her thinking: 'Why Happy People Cheat'
www.theatlantic.com/amp/article/537882/

Why?

Ego boost
Insecurity
Because they don't expect to get caught

You don't know what went on in their marriage.

Lack of sex and one partner wanting very different types of sex is a huge reason as we see on here so many times.

I genuinely don't beleive truly happy and fulfilled ( important word that ) cheat.

He wasn't happy in his marriage. He probably told the OW he was happily married because he didn't want a full blown relationship with her. It'll probably be easier for your dsis to process if she accepts he wasn't happy rather than he just did it for thrills. He was looking for something outside the marriage - sex, emotional connection, whatever it was he was going to look for it sooner or later.

Sorry for your dsis

My DH has similar views to Natalie, in that a one night stand is different to an affair. Ie. Love and sex are different.

I don't know what's wrong with them. I had two husbands I really loved and I would have done anything for them. They both did this during our very long marriages leaving me devastated all the while pretending I was the only woman for them and claiming to be very happy with me.
I no longer trust men at all and have decided never to hve another relationship.
The last husband completey broke my heart.

but obviously was unfulfilled and didn't love your dsis

Not obviously at all. I know people who’ve had affairs in very happy marriages- they would say that too- I think it usually comes from an individuals unhappiness or an individuals flaw - and often has v little to do with the relationship they’re in.