Crushes - reciprocated or otherwise

[Chachacha123]

Around year ago I would have been very unsympathetic to a married woman complaining about having a crush. Except I now have a crush on someone. It came totally out of the blue... I simply can’t shake it off. Chemistry is a weird thing and it just happened in the most benign of settings.

I’m curious to hear stories from other mums on:

1. Crushes that were reciprocated - what happened, did it turn into a full-fledged EA... or more? Did you regret it later?

1. Crushes that weren’t reciprocated - how did you get over your crush, or are you still smitten?

I'd be interested to know what constitutes a crush? I see people every day and think ooft hello you are pretty, but then don't give it a second thought.

Would a crush be someone you were attracted to that you had to see every day? That you flirted with and had more than a passing attraction for? I don't know if this is me being naive but I think if a 'crush' constitutes someone you flirt with every day and make a point of not telling your husband about it you're more or less already in an EA...

From what I understand, it’s a secret one-sided affection for someone. If both parties flirt, that’s a crush being reciprocated.

In my case, it’s not just a guy that consider fit. It’s a feeling of wanting to connect with that person, intellectually and physically.

If the guy is unaware and not flirting back, and there have been no emails/texts/Facebook messages that you wouldn't want your husband to come across, then it's not an EA imo. It's a crush. For now.

Is something "missing" at home? Any problems?

I ended up flirting and embarassing myself in hindsight. nothing happened. suspect they were flattered or worse had a laugh about this creep.
I remember and cringe now.

One crush progressed to dating later on. the physical chemistry was intense, kissing and sex was out of this world but nothing at all personality or interests wise so the crush faded and i ended it.

I think in my case it was fine because it was purely physical i never actually knew their likes, personality, did stuff or were friends. it was minimal conversation or none, stayed professional so i never really knew them but physically yeah..lusted madly about them. like dreams and everything. the desperation at any sign of potential interest.. im embarassed just thinking about it. i literally wasted hours every day thinking about them and our interaction analysing everything hoping there was a sign. i was obsessive and stalkerish. oh the shame.

Don't know what an EA is so can't answer that BUT there has been two notable occasions in my life when I have met someone and have been totally and utterly smitten from the word 'go' (which is most unlike me!!!) On both occasions I have been in a relationship with another person. Out of respect for my partner at the time I have gone out of my way to avoid my 'crush' which, thankfully, has been easy. I totally get what you mean by chemistry, there was no other logical explanation for my feelings. Had either of the men initiated something I'd like to think I'd have said 'no'... But can't be 100% sure. Well, I certainly wouldn't have cheated on my DH, but as for the other guy I was with when I met Crush Number One... 🤔

the crushes faded because i stopped seeing them.

the ones i see i avoid and see rarely. i was also distracted because i developped another crush on someone else so i was busy. when i see them or forced to interact i can feel my heart fluttering again but its not as intense as when i first met them.

its crush if its unbeknown to them and you are not admitting it.

its an emotional affair if you are both into each other and flirting and i dont mean a random stranger i mean regular fairly predictable contact when you roughly or definitely know when you'll see them again.

i had like 10 crushes in the past 9 years

I had one intense crush from 2015 and I'm only over it this year. I was smitten and he did attempt to ask me out several times over that period. I shut him down, I knew it was a fantasy and I'm sure in reality it would not work. He got a girlfriend in 2017 and I was devastated, I then flirted just to see if I still had a hold over him, he seem to reciprocate which felt great. Now he is keeping his distance and I'm glad it lets me move on with my life too. I'm glad of my crush I felt chemistry like I've never experienced before and I thought he is the sexiest man ever, in reality he's a selfish man possibly on the autism spectrum, but after years single he set something alight in me, for that I'm grateful for.

Bloke perspective here I saw this and wanted to comment. The other defined thing is limerance.
The only way to get over it (crush or limerance) I found was no contact in RL, Facebook, Instagram or any social media I met The lady in question (who is IMO pretty spit on) got on really well up till the point she got married. Had no contact with her for 18 months which was great. Unfortunately I met her at the gym again and she greeting me with hug and kisses. This stirred it all up again. After 6 months of longing I went no contact deleting mutual contact on social media. Its a month now and mentally things are improving for me. In my head it's a "There's no fool like an old fool" scenario as she's mid 30s and I'm late 50s

Yep, OP. It is wanting the closeness with the other person, in every sense, wanting the barriers between you to break down. Obviously very unwelcome feeling if you are married.

It happens to everyone, man or woman, unless you have been married 5 mins and are still enveloped in each other. Every LTR would have had several crushes on his part or her part. It is what you do with these feelings that matters.

If I get a crush, I work on keeping the distance and NOT getting closer to the object of my crush. Best policy is wait it out, do nothing. It’s not the first, it won’t be the last. Unless you want to change your partner every two years when things settle, you have to learn to walk away and give up these ‘opportunities’. I also note I tend to appreciate my partner more after such an episode. Sort of a reminder why I married him and not anybody else.

I also think people are not made to be monogamous. We are built to look at others, to like newness rather than same old, to be excited by discovery, not to get the kicks out of the routine of 20 years. It is hard. But it is the fear of losing your partner that stops any funny business. Not because you go brain dead after marriage.

I always think it is strange how nobody bats an eyelid when you say you have got several good friends at once, but you cannot say that about romantic relationships. It’s supposed to be one and only. Well, it’s not natural really. One can connect with several romantic partners just the same as we connect with different friends, I can imagine this perfectly well. You don’t say, oh you can’t have another friend, you have got one already. Or one friend at a time. Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? I see it as being the same. It is a connection to the other person, you can have this connection with several people, love them in their different way, have the closeness special to them. Just as you do with your different friends. But we don’t with romantic partners, because it’s not socially acceptable and our partner would find it hard to cope with. As we don’t want to lose our good long-term partner, we don’t explore those avenues.

So don’t sweat, it’s commonplace.

I understand because I had a crush, or an infatuation, on someone about twenty five years ago. It occupied my thoughts constantly but I never showed it or told him and it passed. I was rather lonely at that time.

It will pass for you too, don't worry.

I also think it's totally human. I work in a very male dominated environment and we do go away with work regularly.

In all the years I have seen crushes happen, sometimes one sided sometimes not. Mostly people behave professionally and just get on with it.. Sometimes they make a fool of themselves and have to live with the humiliation..

It's important to recognise it for what it is and it will pass

@1043voyager so nice to see a bloke commenting! Sorry to hear that your crush reappeared and that you had to start all over again. It is almost like falling off the wagon where an addiction is concerned.

To elaborate on my crush story, I've been married for more than a decade. Time flies! I have been (and still am) busy raising my kids and working to notice any other blokes around me.

Ten years, with no incidents! Then suddenly, the universe decided to throw me a huge surprise. I bumped into someone at a work event, and I was smitten, instantly. If were single, I would have asked him out the very next day... it was that intense. Chemistry is a b*tch!

My crush is single, in his 40s, and really work-obsessed, which is good for me, since he doesn't text much, doesn't go on social media, and pretty much doesn't bother me in real life aside from occasional text messages. He probably has no clue I feel the way I do.

Here's my crush arc in a nutshell:

1. REALLY OBSESSED PHASE: For a few weeks, I was obsessing to the point that I was unable to sleep, eat, or do proper work. I would even blush out of the blue, thinking about the things I was thinking. I would have dropped my entire life to fly off with him to some romantic city.

1. REALITY STRIKES BACK PHASE: It started occuring to me that he isn't perfect, that after a few months he would probably be as idiosyncratic as any other person. I started to think about my children, my husband, my stable family environment.

1. CRUSH PLATEAU PHASE: Yes, my crush is still hot, and yes, I would still volunteer to snog the hell out of him, but I've accepted that it is all lust and libido here.

1. CRUSH OVER PHASE: I've not gotten there yet. I can't wait to get over this crush so that life can go on peacefully and normally!

That instant chemistry thing is just weird though isn't it ? I'm a bloke and it's happened to me a couple of times , been introduced to a total stranger and pow ! One was a temp secretary in my office , we both mid thirties and happily relationshipped but it was instant connection between us, like an electric current being switched on . We acknowledged something happened but stepped away from it and kept our distance .
Second time I was in a small cafe I use a lot and shared a table with a woman not seen before. , cafe owner introduced us and eyes locked and that was that for both of us , instant connection. we saw each other for over two years before things ended amicably due to distance and other factors .
I used to be a counsellor and nurse and dealing with client crushes was part of the job but that I think was from a different situation than these electric storms that come out of the blue .

@ginandbearit that’s exactly what happened to me. I have met hundreds of eligible men over a decade from work/socially and no feelings whatsoever. Until this guy.

It was an after-work social. He turned around and said “Hello, I’m John Doe” and I felt my world change instantly.

It’s been a year now, and we’re still in touch (same industry), but it’s just so pathetic that I can’t take it forward and yet I can’t get rid of this feeling.

Most people would say that he’s not into me, because he didn’t pursue me, but he knows I’m married and it’s pretty much a dead end so why bother.

I have a crush. He's married and lovely so I wouldn't go there, it's just nice to see him strutting around the office. Problem is, it's getting stronger and he knows it.

I have a crush, He's an acquaintance, I told him how I felt, and he said thanks, but not at the moment- which was basically a polite "I don't fancy you", which was very hard to take.
I still think about him and often hope he'll change his mind, but I don't think he will.
I keep telling myself "what's meant for me won't pass me by", so if we are going to be together it'll happen, if it doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be

I am married with a crush on someone I work with. I feel like a giddy teenager whenever I have to speak to him so avoid doing so as much as possible!

If I was single though I'd be on him in a heartbeat.

I'm not ashamed. I wouldn't tell my husband but I think it's only human to be attracted to other people. I just won't do anything about it other than try and get over it.