Struggling with family's reaction (trigger: csa)

[2step]

^A request please: if you think you know what case I'm speaking about, please don't try and out me or divulge more info than I'm giving. I am virtually forbidden from talking about it IRL and desperately need an outlet here.
^
A family member was convicted of various counts relating to indecent images and videos of children, including the most extreme category (which I'm given to understand means penetration). Suspended custodial sentence, on the sex offenders register, sexual harm prevention order etc.

I feel physically sick and am disgusted by him and what he's done. I want nothing more to do with him, ever. I expected that any right-thinking decent human being would be the same, and this is where I'm struggling, because the rest of the family is supporting him and standing by him. It's hit me quite hard that the core values and moral values of all these people I thought I could trust are so completely at odds with mine.

I think he's gaslighting them, or they're choosing to remain blissfully ignorant because it's easier to pretend it hasn't happened than to make difficult decisions about cutting contact. They are such a closed, tight family that I think they're blinkered to this reality.

He's proven he's a proficient liar because he kept his depraved "hobby" a secret for years (well into double figures). Following his arrest, his wife worked to keep it secret, even making up stories about losing their camera etc when in truth it had all been seized. I only found out because SS contacted me so that I could safeguard my children. They then started lying about why we weren't at family events, when in truth it was because SS had alerted me to keep my children away from him. They kept it all secret until the media broke the story and forced their hand after the court case.

I despair at the differences between his/the family's spin on it and my take on it...

It was mild category stuff, almost an isolated incident, small quantity - no! SS, the police, the media reports of the court case all state extreme category, many many years and a very large volume of material. The family believe him when he says the media have incorrectly reported but they don't seem to question why he's not pursuing them for libel

He's a good man - no he's not, a good man would do everything he could to stop a child being raped or abused, not actively seek out images and videos of it happening.

He made a mistake - no, this is not a moment of madness, it's a persistent and deliberate pattern of behaviour over many years.

But he's so remorseful - of course he is, he's been caught. Only a remarkably stupid person, or someone with a serious psychological disorder would not recognise the self-serving benefits of showing remorse once caught.

It's just eating me up that my family is supposedly so accepting of this paedophile among them and I get shut down on it. Apparently I'm wrong because I haven't known him as long as they have

I just don't know what to do and how to deal with this... I can't get it out of my head.

Just keep your distance I’m guessing your married into the family rather than born into give they known him longer than you. You can protect your dc even if it means cutting contact with them.

The thing is, he is safer contained within an family than he is excluded from it. I get you don't want any contact, but it is probably a good thing others do.

OP I'm sorry. Some families are just shit. And from what you've said (no media stuff, I don't know who you're talking about), I'm shocked at that sentence. One of my family members did way less than that and got more of a sentence (though still not enough in my view).

It starts making you question yourself and whether you are actually the one being over the top. But no, you're not. I would have nothing to do with anyone who has anything to do with that person. People who are "supportive" are under their influence and as a product of that, not best at good judgement making in terms of keeping others safe.

It's crappy but you're right in what you're saying, they are the ones who are wrong. I hope they are not immediate family to you (not asking you to answer that btw) and that you can steer clear of them easily.

That's a very double edged sword Clairetree1. Very. Those who help and support and feel sorry for them are not helping. They, I assume, didn't know those things were happening in the first place, so how are they best placed to make sure they don't reoccur?

its not their responsibility to make sure those things don't reoccur.

but with any offending behaviour, it is less likely to happen if the individual has a support network.

I'm very sorry you are experiencing the gas lighting. Its more common than you think. I was exactly in your shoes a few years ago and I have a long thread on this under a different name. Mumsnet has been a huge support to me, giving me reality checks.

I couldn't cope with the lying and pretence and I was accused of being a troublemaker. My father in law sent me physical threatening texts if I didn't shut up about it all. My peodophile was shockingly young. He was 15 and he was given 1 year specialist therapy. Hundreds of images of the worst kind confiscated by the police and he had a taste for babies in particular. He also exposed himself to my child when we were at a family BBQ. I was told by his family it was normal.

I don't know the case you are talking about, but I really feel for you. It must be so difficult that your family are not the people you thought they were.

You can only distance yourself from them completely and move on. I wouldn't have anything to do with any of them if they were behaving like that.

I also don't understand the mentality of it only being mild stuff (obviously it wasn't) but even if it was, what makes that better?

Clairetree1 in all honesty I don't think they deserve a support network. Especially not family. No it's not their place to police them, but family are much more susceptible to gas lighting and it therefore happening again undercover because "oh they've been so good and I only went to the shops for ten minutes, of course they were ok to watch the baby".

Of course, I know the argument of having people around them and not being isolated and depressed and then more likely to re-offend, and to a point it makes sense, but I don't think it's appropriate for a crime like this that thrives on secrecy and people who will cover for them and minimise

I would bet the reoffending is only likely to be reduced if the support network fully accepts what the person has done and doesn't seem to minimise things.

That doesn't seem to be the case here, based on what the OP has posted.

OP, I really feel for you, a tricky situation. I'm guessing you may be feeling some pressure in attending certain occasions where this person is also invited?

I'm not sure family support will prevent re-offending. On the contrary, he now knows his wife will lie to cover up for him...

I'm prepared to put distance between us, and whilst my husband will stand by our commitment to SS that we will not see him with the children, he won't go so far as to say he won't see him again. He's maintained contact. I don't like the differences between my and my husband's view on it - I absolutely hate conflict in our marriage and feel like we're heading for a big one because we won't agree on how to interact (or not) with the rest of them (especially the offender). It's only a matter of time before it comes up, and for my anxiety (which I'm prone to) I think I'd rather get the conversation out of the way. He just shuts it down though, finds it too difficult to talk about it.

Would it be out of line for me to say to my husband that I know he's finding it difficult so I will make the decision for me and our kids and I'll ask them not to send Christmas gifts etc and not to get in touch with me or the kids? My husband can decide for himself as and when he's ready. He'll think I'm being OTT, I don't know if I am or not? I don't even know how you're supposed to go NC with someone and make sure they don't send gifts for your kids etc

Exactly OP, that's exactly the problem with family support. And exactly why you're perfectly reasonable to cut contact completely and insist the same for your kids.

Maybe your husband feels awkward about it through family pressure, that's part and parcel of it being someone related to you unfortunately. Unless they fully accept his actions and that they're wrong there will always be a danger or sweeping under the carpet. And until then they won't accept that your views are right and will try to pressure your husband to feel the same as them. They're his family right, so he will feel obligated to them, it's only natural and I'm sure it's very conflicting for him.

You should tell whoever is supporting him for example a mum or aunt, whoever he's living with, exactly what you said. You don't want cards, presents, updates, anything at all from them for you or the children. Ever. You can say it's because of what he's done, but explain nothing else and don't get into a conversation about it. Hopefully your husband will respect your opinion of it and reinforce with family if needed.

With regard to him staying in contact, is it likely to be directly, like going to the pub with him, or family functions where they don't actually need to interact and he's just sort of there?

I’m sorry you’re going through this 💐

I think it can be very hard for people to accept that someone they love and trusted is capable of doing something so horrific. They deny or minimise simply because they can’t make it make sense in their heads.

I can’t imagine finding out something like this about someone I love and trust, and I can’t imagine how I’d cope or react.

However, I’d take the children as far away from them as I could and my husband would have two choices me & the children or his family. If he maintained contact with the offender or any ‘supportive’ relatives he would not get contact outside of a specialist contact centre because I couldn’t trust him not to take the children to visit family.

It’s tragic for everyone involved. But most especially for the poor children he abused - directly or indirectly.

Hell would freeze over before he, or his wife etc, set eyes on my kids again.

I needed to take forceful line for my own sanity and for the safety of my kids. No way was my dcs going near that member of family ever again. I absolutely refused all contact and all family events that had him there. And the wiered thing is, its less about the crime he committed even though that was bad, but more about the family enabling him and covering it all up. I cannot bring my children up in an environment where we are being coerced and forced to toe the line on an issue like child abuse.

My husband disagreed with me and we split up. After 2 years, he wanted to get back together and he's never spoken to that side of the family ever again. Nor have I. All Christmas presents sent back and we've moved since so they don't have our contact details anymore.

I'm much further down the line that you are so we are now fine and we live our lives happily. i'm very honest and transparent with my kids. If they ask why we don't see grandma/uncle/aunt/sister in law/cousin ...all of them I come straight out and say because they make us keep quiet about HIM and what HE did was wrong even though grandma says otherwise. It is WRONG because children get hurt and because the law says its wrong.

But you need to do what's right for yourself and your family and protecting them. Else you'll have a mental breakdown. You have far more power and choice about your lives than you think. All the best now.