Should I ask her to honour her words, or is it still too soon?

[UnderAnAxe]

I'm sorry, this is probably going to be quite long...

DW and I been together since 18, married 15+ years.
2 school age children.

About 10 years ago, DW began an affair, which was on and off for a long time. I found out, and she broke it off. We struggled for a while, but I still loved her, and wanted to try and get past it, which I did for some time.

Fast forward a few years, and the knowledge of this affair, as well as some other issues, really affected how I viewed our relationship.

I convinced myself that she was only really with me because of the children, because she was scared of being alone (no chance of a long-term relationship with OM), and was terrified of her mother finding out (all fairly reasonable assumptions).

Around the same time, I became friendly with another lady - someone who had been through the same thing with her DH. This did develop into an emotional affair, with some kissing. This lasted several months, with me (stupidly and selfishly) believing I deserved some happiness. I know this was wrong-headed, but that's how I felt at the time. After a few months though, I sorted my head out, broke it off, and was determined to commit 100% to my marriage. I have done this.

About 1 year ago, OW messaged me out of the blue, asking if anything had changed. DW found this message, and I confessed.

Again, we really struggled through, and she agreed that she wanted to try and work it out.

However, we are now a year on, and she is still (understandably) very mistrusting and distant, to the point where I feel like there's a big axe just hanging over me.

She says she wants us to be happy again, and is committed to us, and that she just needs time. I really want to believe this, but I'm just so afraid that she's just saying this because she's terrified of the alternative.

What if she is just waiting for the kids to leave home? Or for her mum to die, so she doesn't have to deal with all the fallout from her?

By the time either of those things happen, we'll be much older (and likely more miserable and bitter), and it will be difficult for us to find happiness again.

Any hurt or mistrust I have felt over the years since her affair, I have just swallowed down, because I see it as my problem to deal with - I agreed to forgive her. I don't bring it up with her, or do anything to try and make her feel guilty.

I still love her so much, and love our family. I was selfish and wrong - to have done what I did, but I can't undo it now, and I've done everything I can to show her this.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to either honour her word, and commit to us (dealing with her feelings like I've tried to), or just be honest (regardless of the consequences) and tell me she can't get past it, so we can both try and move on and be happy?

I'm not asking her to forget (I don't think I will ever forget what she did), but I don't want to be ditched in 15 or 20 years time. If things are never going to get better - I'd rather we just dealt with it now, so we both have a chance at another life, if that's what she really wants.

How can I address this with her?

Is 1 year still too soon to expect her to be ready to move past what I did?

You don't seem to have got past what she did, so not sure how you expect it to work the other way.

May I ask what makes you say that? Because I mentioned about swallowing down hurt and mistrust?

I meant that was in the immediate aftermath of discovering her affair.
I haven't felt mistrustful or hurt about that for a long time now. I'll never forget, but it doesn't cause me pain anymore, and hasn't for a long time.

You don’t seem to have got past what she did because you gave yourself permission to do the same thing.

You had an affair years after hers based in what you perceived your marriage to be based in the affair and deserving some happiness.

Seems like you hadn't forgiven and forgotten and blame your affair on hers.

Do you feel like you are even Stevens now and she should just get over it?

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to either honour her word, and commit to us (dealing with her feelings like I've tried to), or just be honest (regardless of the consequences) and tell me she can't get past it, so we can both try and move on and be happy?

Yes and no. You can't expect her to react to your affair in the same way you reacted to hers, because you and she are different people. Just because you are together doesn't mean you have to think or react the same way to similar situations.

That said, I think you've both swallowed your feelings and pushed them down, and it isn't doing either of you any good.

I think you've got to look at the reasons why first she, and then you, had affairs, and talk about that. To each other, and/or to counsellor(s).

There's a lot of convincing yourself going on but it doesn't sound like you're actually communicating very much. So a lot of it is guessing, or fearing, or magical thinking. You need facts.

You have to be able to clear the air in relationships otherwise things fester. And resentments like that are like fish - leave them and they just stink all the more over time.

It sounds like you're both unsure about breaking things off not just because of the life you've built - children, home, other stuff - but also because you got together very young and have no context of an adult life outside each other.

You can't know what's going to happen in 20 years time because you don't have a crystal ball or a DeLorean. What you can do is create an environment in which you can be bolder and honest with each other and say how you really feel, and what you really want. Some of those conversations might be hard, even hurtful, but they might end up getting you somewhere.

Ultimately, it doesn't sound - from your post - like there's enough truthfulness. And I'm not talking about the affairs here. You're not telling each other what you really need out of life, and your relationship. Start doing that and you might find a way forward.

Nobody ever knows what's going to happen in the future. Ever.
You need to live for today.
Do you love her and your life today? If not then that's what needs addressing. The here and now.

Do you have fun together? Do you smile and laugh and give each other affection?

You both seem to want this to work. Have you tried counselling? It might actual help you both move on of it is what you really want to do.

We have tried counselling - after her affair.

But it started to poke a lot into her relationship with her mum, which she didn't like/feel ready to do, and made her feel got at, so we stopped without really making any progress.

I have been completely honest with her (too late, you might say, and I'd understand that). She knows how I feel.

I'm not expecting her to forgive and move on if she really doesn't feel like she can. I just want her to be honest with herself (and me).

She tells me she wants us to be together, but her actions don't match her words yet. Perhaps it's still too soon - I don't know.

Yes, we are affectionate up to a point (ie, snuggling together on the sofa, she likes me to stroke her legs, etc).

But we rarely kiss anymore (unless it's instigated by me), and more often I get a offered a cheek.

Anything more intimate is very rare (maybe a handful of times in the last 12 months).

“I don't want to be ditched in 15 or 20 years time“ - but there is never any guarantee of that not happening. You either trust and take the chance - or you walk away.

I think this has runs it course to be honest.
You've both done some things.
You are expected to get over her affair but she can't get over yours.
That's up to her. Maybe her own guilt about what she did is not helping.
I think you both need separate counselling.
Then some joint counselling.
I think too much damage has been done but this is your life.

Excellent post Plausible