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Relationships

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Original poster

Half siblings help

16 replies

T0292 · 14/06/2018 13:13

Im looking for advice on half siblings.. me and my ex partner are expecting our first child together. We were together for 2 years before finding out i was pregnant and for various reasons we are no longer together. I am currently 5 months pregnant and looking for advice on half siblings. My ex partner has a child who will be 3 when i give birth and whilst we were together i built a relationship with this child for 2 years but since me and my ex split 4 months ago i havent seen the other child. he only sees his other child once a week due to work commitments, he will probably only see my child once a week too. Am i wrong to ask for a separate day for my child to the other child until he has built his bond with his new daughter himself? He barely copes with the child he already has leaving him in the same nappy for 8 hours at a time, stays at home with him unless someone else makes them go out, no attention given to him, to have two on the same day to me seems unmanageable for him.. he is living with his parents and has nowhere else to take them, nor does he have means of having them overnight. I'm not convinced he can manage 2 children at the same time with the baby needing a lot of attention that I've previously seen he doesnt give to his son. Me and the mother of the other child do not get on due to my ex playing us off against each other so that is also not an option.

OP posts:

SemperIdem · 14/06/2018 13:16

You can ask but you can’t dictate when he sees his older child.

He’ll want them to have a relationship with each other.

AngkorWaat · 14/06/2018 13:19

I think it’s important the siblings get to see each other.

I’m not sure I’d be comfortable leaving my baby with him though, if he can’t keep up with basic needs like nappy changes or attention then he doesn’t sound capable of caring for a child adequately.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 14/06/2018 13:19

Imo concentrate on your own dc for now. When his ex realises you were also a victim of his twatism and she has an opportunity to have even more dc free time she may suggest you see her dc!

SeaCabbage · 14/06/2018 13:24

Why would you want your child to see this idiot anyway? It sounds unsafe and not at all beneficial to the child.

Original poster

T0292 · 14/06/2018 13:25

I would happily allow a relationship with the other sibling in time but not straight away, I want to request the first few months he has the baby only when i am around as i have witnessed for 2 years the kind of father he is to the child he already has. The other woman would not allow her child to be around me as she uses him as a weapon to my ex and always has done, anything my ex did wrong impacted on the time he had with the child. I would never do that I am just requesting for the first few months until i see hes capable that he just focuses on the bond with his daughter since he hasnt been here through the pregnancy at all. I have tried all different options to get through to him but everything has to be on his terms or he gets very agressive with his words. I am not denying a relationship between siblings, just delaying it.

OP posts:

Original poster

T0292 · 14/06/2018 13:27

Anything he did wrong towards her that is, not the child.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 14/06/2018 13:47

Me and the mother of the other child do not get on due to my ex playing us off against each other so that is also not an option.

I know its tough, but your life, and that of your child, would be better if you could build a relationship with her and not allow him to divide and rule.

Original poster

T0292 · 14/06/2018 13:52

I tried to do that, but she has always had a lot of animosity towards me even though i have done no wrong, he played us off against each other by cheating on me with her then i took him back and then we found out i was pregnant, he told me to consider getting rid of the child i said no and we split up.. he went back to her again then came back to me wanting to work at it with me. Since she told me that they were sleeping together she has blocked me, its a very difficult situation to be in nevermind build a relationship with her on them foundations.

OP posts:

Original poster

T0292 · 14/06/2018 13:53

They are no longer sleeping together but he is now wanting to be a family with me, which i have said no to. I want the best to come out of this whole mess but I'm the one making all the ground work, with nothing back other than 'i dont want to think about it we will be a family in the end' etc.

OP posts:

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 14/06/2018 13:54

" The other woman would not allow her child to be around me as she uses him as a weapon to my ex "

so now you are going to do the same thing?

Original poster

T0292 · 14/06/2018 13:57

Not at all, I will allow him all the time he wants, i just want to see that he is capable as i have seen the father he is to the other child. All i am asking is for a few months bonding with his daughter before introducing her to the other child

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 14/06/2018 14:16

He barely copes with the child he already has leaving him in the same nappy for 8 hours at a time, stays at home with him unless someone else makes them go out, no attention given to him, to have two on the same day to me seems unmanageable for him

You are really not looking at this from the right start point.

He is not capable of looking after one child, let alone two. Let alone a baby.

You have SEEN his neglect of his other child. You need to not allow that to happen with yours. Now, as he didn't even want this baby, I'm sure that he won't exactly be fighting you for time alone or even any time at all (and that's another topic altogether and suffice to say my advice overall would be to let this inadequate loser fade out of your baby's life asap), but the first thing you do is tell him that he sees the baby at yours, no discussion. If he kicks off, tell him to take it to court and you'll explain to all and sundry about the neglect you've seen him practise on his other child.

That will solve the sibling 'problem' - though from what you've said, it sounds as if the first thing his ex will do is kick off and prevent him having his other child around to interact with yours anyway.

I would actually not put him on the birth certificate. And FGS don't give the baby his surname!

FizzyGreenWater · 14/06/2018 14:19

i just want to see that he is capable as i have seen the father he is to the other child.

I don't understand this. You have seen that he's incapable of that - you've just told us. He's an uncaring neglectful idiot, not a dad. What do you think will be different?

All i am asking is for a few months bonding with his daughter

but he won't 'bond'. If you mean grow to know her and love her like you do, and care for her, he won't. He'll play absent mindedly with her, not respond to her needs, and if you leave her in his solo care he'll probably over time do a fair bit of emotional damage. If he was a good dad who 'bonds' with his children you wouldn't have seen the lack of care for his older child in action, because he would be different.

Again, he won't be different with your child.

You are lucky in a way - you've actually had a heads-up on how damaging a twatty disinterested father can be.

FizzyGreenWater · 14/06/2018 14:21

And finally...

They are no longer sleeping together

HAHAHAHA!!!!

Ok, you need to stop engaging with him. Focus on your baby and delete the twat from your life. He will not be what you want or need, not ever.

dirtybadger · 14/06/2018 20:56

Your exs oldest is 2. You were with himfor 2 years, and it finished 4 months ago. He is a shit dad to his current child. THIS is why the mother of his other DC is off with you and him. He was with you before she had given birth (?), or shortly after if the timings are more estimations. She may well see it as him choosing you over his child. And maybe he did that! Not your fault though. And she is perfectly within her rights to be a little fickle about his contact...if she knows what you do, I doubt she enjoys having to hand her LO over to him.
Im not saying she is being reasonable about everything, but I can see a lot of mitigating circumstances to her unreasonable behaviour.

Hes messed you both around, and he will mess both your kids around. So you at least have something in common to build bridges with long term.

I see what you are saying re bonding...but youre barking up the wrong tree. He doesnt need to "bond". Fathers with more than one DC dont have trouble bonding with the second. The problem is that he is INCOMPETENT. And yes, he would probably be even more incompetent with two kids. But thats because hes lazy, not anything to do with bonding.

You have all the evidence you need that he will be a shit father. He has been for 2 years. Some people struggle to start with, but seem to get better. Not this one. Dont assume he will treat your DC any different to his existing DC!

I would be pretty reluctant to have him alone with the baby any time soon...(Im not saying he shouldnt get to see the baby, just that it sounds like he is actually neglectful and needs supervision).

dirtybadger · 14/06/2018 20:57

Apologies re-read the other child is 2.5, so there was a couple months gap.

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