Unsupportive husband

[Thisismydilemma]

Just looking for some advise regarding my husband. I am currently 37 weeks pregnant and have 3 other dc.

Ever since I told my husband about the unplanned pregnancy he has shown virtually no interest in me, the pregnancy /baby or our 12 year old ds.

It really hurts that he is so unsupportive :( and I have cried many tears over the situation. The pregnancy has been difficult and tiring and he has focused on himself, the gym every night, football scores and work.

We are a Christian family, I don't understand why a supposed Christian husband would do that? Divorce is not an option, although I am suspect that is what will be suggested here. I have prayed so much, but nothing seems to change. I don't know how I will live with no love for however many years I have left.

He pays no interest in his eldest ds. Except to tell him off for not doing things. The youngest ds to him is golden child and can seemingly do no wrong. Consequently, I have formed a strong bond with my eldest ds, as I think this is a horrible way to behave towards your child. I think my husband doesn't like our ds and me being close and thinks I 'spoil' him. I feel I am loving and nurturing him as a good mother. I also try not to leave my other 2 dc out and treat them fairly. I would dearly love my eldest son to have a good relationship with his father, but I am also concerned with the testing teenage years nearly here, our home/family is going to be a difficult place.

Thankfully I have a supportive family who I have told about the situation and they are willing to support me with the dc. I would feel so alone otherwise.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you still?. You're pregnant but he shows no interest in this yet unborn child either, what does that say about him?. He is in no way a Christian husband and his actions are not Christian either. He is more like an abusive H instead who also has you as his wife under the thumb. Do not show your kids this is their norm for a marriage also. Its not acceptable to them and its not acceptable to you either; this is really intolerable.

You have a supportive family; use them to get away and keep away from this man.

So why is divorce not an option here in the longer term; are you prepared to see your H continue to scapegoat his eldest child and favour the youngest?. Staying in such circumstances are more about your own reasons for doing so than them. What about this as yet unborn child, where is that person going to fit into this narrative?.

This golden child/scapegoat dynamic is a dynamic that happens more often than not in narcissistic family structures. Also their relationship between them as brothers could well be further ruined because of their father's overt favouring of the eldest. It should not be at all tolerated, its no point in just handwringing or otherwise praying for guidance (nothing wrong with that but you need to do more). There has to be action from you as well other than just praying. Your eldest son will never have a good relationship with his dad because he, dad, does not want it.

Do not think divorce is not an option primarily because you are a Christian family. That is no basis whatsoever for staying within this marriage. He is not a Christian and his actions towards you all certainly are not.

Thanks for your reply. I just wonder if these men ever change. Once the baby is born, I am hoping he will change his attitude and become the father our children deserve. If he doesn't then have no idea what our future holds

I feel so sad for my eldest ds and feel he deserves a better father-son relationship. I don't see how breaking the family apart is going to improve that situation. Everything feels such a mess.

I hate to say this. Why will be change, with the new baby, he didn't with his other children ??

I doubt he will change when the baby arrives and you sound utterly miserable.

Your eldest son deserves not to be turned into the family scapegoat and this will ruin the relationship he has with the golden child, they will be unable to get on because your dh is fostering such an unhealthy relationship with both of them.

He sounds awful, and if it were me I would be looking for him to leave. There is no love, no bond and no trust. Why do you want to live like that to the end of your days?

All the prayers in the world won't change him into a better person op.

Seeing as you cannot answer what you get out of this relationship now in terms of having your own needs met, I assume its nothing of any real substance. So what does that tell you?.

No, such men do not change. He has I would argue not changed fundamentally in all the years you have known him. Hoping for different from him now is a triumph of hope over experience. When someone shows you who they are you need to listen. He is neither the husband nor the father that you and your children respectively deserve. You cannot stay in this marriage for the sake of some distant Christian ideals so what if anything else is the reasoning behind your "divorce is not an option" comment?. Who or what are you staying for?.

Its not your fault your H is like this, you did not make him that way and you did not drive him into doing these actions.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what do you think they are learning here from the two of you?.

Honestly I would be planning my exit from your marriage asap. You in all likelihood do not want to read that but really what other option is there for you and your children?. He is emotionally abusive to you and your children, including the eldest whom is himself favoured. Being the golden child will be no picnic for him either, its a high price that such people pay in such families and the damage to them is long term also.

Is desperation a possibility - if not divorce? Very few branches of Christianity would compel a woman to stay in a situation as you describe. I understand that for many Christians divorce and re-marriage is not an option, but that isn’t what you’re suggesting.
Your relationship will be affecting your children’s ideas of what a healthy relationship is; and staying in an unhealthy relationship will make it more difficult for them to have good relationships and marriages when they are older.

Thanks. PinkDaffodil2 - What does deseparation mean?

My dd is who is the middle child has asked me a few times if my husband and I will split up. Despite me never saying anything directly to her. Children are perspective to problems in a marriage. She has also asked if her father loves ds1, which I feel so sad to answer that I am not sure, as he never shows any positive affection or interest in him at all. I work very part time and when I go to work I loathe leaving ds1 in his care as leaves him on his xbox all day and often fails to offer food to him or gives the uneaten food to the other dc if ds1 doesn't come down from his room after calling him once to eat it.

I try to raise these issues with my husband usually get shut down or ignored by him. I feel vulnerable at the moment, being so close to giving birth.

My lovely dm has offered to be a birth partner to me as I just don't think my husband will be the support I need in the throes of labour and I need someone who will advocate for me.

My father had to come around to put up the cot for the new baby, as despite having the opportunity my husband did not help as usual. He hasn't bought one item needed for this dc and left it all to me. Last night I asked him to put the bin out, as it is to heavy for me to lift and failed to do that.
My husband attends church weekly with the dc and has fortnightly Christian meetings, but in real life he seems not to uphold those values and live it out at home.

Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time.

I agree with PPs, he's not exactly living up to his responsibilities as a husband - Christian or otherwise.

It sounds like the branch of Christianity you attend is very anti-divorce/separation, but not every type of church subscribes to this thought. Are you worried about what your congregation would think if you left him? There are plenty of other churches who would welcome you, should you choose to go elsewhere.

But I'd hope that your church supports you - can you speak to your vicar/pastor? Maybe he/she can offer some advice, or spend time talking through the situation with you both.

Hope you get the support you need.

Sorry - I meant separation! Autocorrect. I’m glad your mum is so supportive xx

Someone once wrote that the worst type of bad man is the religious bad man. Your H is a hypocrite to his church as well as an abuser to your kids and you at home.

Your DD is right, she is very perceptive here and she was right to ask you those questions. They can and do indeed pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken at home.

You really cannot afford to stay with such a person thisismydilemma and you would be a fool to your own self if you did choose to stay with him for your own reasons. Your H is also neither of use nor ornament, he cannot even be asked to put up a cot for his as yet unborn child nor take the bins out. Its sad and pathetic as well to read that you had to get your dad over to put up the cot for your child.
Your H really is the epitome of "street angel, house devil".

It may well be that you do not get the support you need from your church or even worse you are offered counselling for you both within the organisation. Refuse this if this is at all offered. I would instead suggest you contact Womens Aid and get their support and help asap. 0808 2000 247 is their number.

I think it's a matter of priorities. You can prioritise you marriage due to religious reasons but this will detriment your children, especially DS1 and potentially the new baby. I really struggle to believe that inflicting this man's behaviour on your poor DS is what God would want. What does your church teach women to do in cases where staying with their husbands would harm the children?

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If he is going to Christian meetings, is here anyone who could talk to him about his behaviour at home, towards you, towards the dcs?
Is there someone within the community who he particularly respect and could be your voice?

he sounds horrible and as a christian he should be ashamed of his behaviour.
If he didn't want a 4th child he should have used a condom or had the snip so it is his fault as well.
It sounds to me that he needs a very sharp wake up call such as you moving out without warning with the kids to your relatives and leaving a note to say you can no longer cope with his behaviour and your loveless marriage.
In my opinion men who behave like this need a short sharp shock to come to realisation about their behaviour.
Get your local pastor to go over and talk to him, men like this hate it when someone else is involved as well.
You need to do something to wake him up even if it is drastic.

He's no Christian. he's abusive and horrible. Why stay with him??

Attila has given you sound advice. I won't repeat it. I hope you will consider acting upon it.

You referred to not seeing how "breaking up" the family will help. I don't understand how you can possibly think your family isn't already irreparably broken, just because you still live in the same house.

Your husband is abusing you and your children. How is that not broken?

I grew up with an abusive dad who treated me as the "scapegoat" and my younger sibling as the golden child. He would punish me for things my sibling had done wrong, and in between screaming bloody murder at me it was like I did not exist. I grew up believing I was inherently unlovable and that there was something terribly wrong with me.

As I got older I watched as my mother continued to let him do this to me. I pleaded with her. I asked her why she never defended me. I had both parents in my home and still I was desperately alone and abandoned.

If you think your family isn't already broken, and that you are doing something positive by keeping your children in this toxic, destructive environment for the sake of other people's judgement and outward appearances, you are very sadly mistaken. I could cry for your children.

As your daughter has demonstrated, your children are far more perceptive than you give them credit for. I wish my mother had had enough courage and love for us to leave our father.

It's your job to protect and nurture your children. They are vulnerable and dependent upon you to protect them. They have no choice to leave to escape his abuse. But you can do that for them. Why won't you?

I'm sorry if you think this sounds harsh or isn't what you want to hear, but it's frankly devastating to read that you intend to force your children to continue enduring your husband's abuse. Growing up in a home like yours destroyed me. I am still picking up the pieces. Please don't let that be their future.

Please put your children first here. They should not be brought up in this environment and especially your oldest.

Men are quite selfish, but pray for him. Also FYI: ALPHA is a cult .

I think you ought to put your dc first, and this favouritism/scapegoating dynamic will be very damaging to them. You don't have to divorce. You also don't have to live together. If your dh cannot treat his dc equally and cannot be a good husband and father, then you owe it to your dc to take them out of the situation.

I had a friend in your situation, she stayed way longer than she should have for religious reasons. The children suffered badly & their relationship with their father broke down completely. She is ok now but the mental health of all of them has been impacted greatly.