When to broach a split with DH

[Wobblytoof]

DH and I decided it was over. Then we decided we were going to try working a few things out. Now I’ve decided it’s over.

Last time we decided to split he got shitty about stuff and got angry, heated discussions, arguments, him sobbing etc. I don’t want to live with all that as it causes great anxiety... as you can imagine. He knows that when I was leaving that I would be taking the children with me and going to live with family two hours away.

So how long do you think is a reasonable amount of time before I tell him I’m leaving and taking our children? I don’t want to tell him too soon because it’ll be an awful atmosphere at home again and I can’t cope with that.

Has anyone just up and left? Is that an awful thing to do simply to avoid the emotional fallout? (As opposed to leaving suddenly due to fear of domestic abuse)

It would be quite cruel just to tell him on the day. It sounds like the split is more something you want. And it's natural for him to be upset if he doesn't want the split.

Maybe start to organize the practicalities, but give him at least a couple of weeks notice before you move the kids two hours away, he probably wants to spend time with them before you go. Is it not possible for him to move out and you stay in the house with the kids? Maybe then he can stay somewhere close by instead of having to travel for four hours a day to see them?

Why do you think you have the right to take the children away from their father?

If a man came on here and said he was going to leave without warning and take the children with him, he'd be lambasted, and rightly so!

I need to move for work/support/affordability.

I have as much right to have them with me as he does.

Yes, but you realise if you move, the courts will find you responsible for doing the pick ups and drop offs? So you'll end up paying a lot of petrol costs.

And you don't have a right to your children - they have a right to a relationship with both their parents. Taking them away from their schools, home and father is not going to look good if he decides to go to court for shared residency (or any kind of contact).

And they will have a relationship with their father. I’m not denying that.

Anyway. I’m going to drop this thread now. I feel like you’ll continue to roast me if I don’t.

Thanks and peace.

If a parent has to move away in order to support their children or because they can't afford housing in your current area, the courts will NOT force you to transport the children the whole way "because you're the one that moved away" - although it sounds a bit punitive in OPs example, it isn't always - I had to move away because I couldn't afford housing where I lived as I was getting divorced, so north and westward I had to go. It wasn't my first choice to move away mind, but no other option.

At worst the courts might say that OP has to meet half way (I did that for over 8 years EOW , a 70 mile round journey for each parent EO Friday night and EO Sunday evening. That's what you do when you've got children, both people may need to make an effort with the travel to make the best of the situation that they have.

However, I think also that a lot of what OP writes is just normal part of splitting up - it's no fun, it's difficult, it's full of angst, it's heartbreaking and you can't expect there to be no emotions involved - it's never going to be that easy a ride. You're not in an abusive situation OP and therefore it seems really unreasonable to just try and avoid the emotional bit, to just up and take your children away. Even if it ends up that you do need to move away, you can at least do it with dignity and appropriate involvement in the planning of it with your other half, not a moonlight flit.

The bit that really bothers me isn't the moving away - it's the doing it without telling her husband. So taking her children from their home, scchools and parents without giving them the chance to say goodbye to any of their friends or, more importantly, their father.

Nobody likes ending a relationship, especially when children are involved, but to just up and leave without any prior warning and taking the kids with you is very poor parenting imo (unless you're fleeing abuse, which OP mentions isn't the case).

*home, schools and friends, that should read.

Thank you DoIt I know that deep down.
I don’t want to do that really I’m just so exhausted with the constant talking and emotion of it all. We had three months to sort everything, he was on board and cooperating.
Then after months of saying there was nothing he could do, it was over, he’s now decided we can work on it. I feel a little bit manipulated.
I want to avoid the emotional manipulation next time.
I was considering giving two weeks as a worst case scenario but I think that’s harsh and unfair... although I wish it wasn’t. I’m thinking of 6 weeks.
I just want this to be over rather than the constant back and forth and changing of minds. I want to make my decision and stick to it!

Why do you get the children? Is he a bad father? If not then I don't think that's reasonable at all. So aswell as leaving him he also loses his kids. You just said yourself you have just as much right to them as he does, which would make it 50/50. Just because you want to leave him doesn't mean you can take his children, quite strange too you think it would be ok to leave without telling him. If it was flipped and he did that to you all hell would break loose. Sick of women thinking they can just do what they want cause they're the Mum. If the children aren't in any danger then it's totally unfair. If my partner and I ever split up I wouldn't just leave with our children and take them 2 hours away. That's their DAD.

To clarify. I wasn’t considering giving zero warning, just very little warning or a matter of weeks. Kids would know before end of term, we’d move end of August ready for new school year.

I was asking for people who have done something similar or simply up and left. My wording was shit, I get that.

Yes I agree adaline, doing it without his knowledge would be really unacceptable unless it was a desperate and carefully timed exit from an abusive situation.

What I would say to OP though is, Christ almighty, it was really really hard work maintaining that contact! Total exhaustion at the end of a working week and then (an often, nightmare) journey down the motorway and back again, all in heavy traffic, every Friday and every Sunday... EOW after EOW after EOW after EOW.

When I moved away I offered to meet half way as it seemed fair, even though I had care for the children all the time, was effectively the main breadwinner, etc. I never varied that arrangement at all.

It is a bloody awful situation when a family, especially with children is splitting apart.

I think having a timescale in mind will not only help with preparing yourself, the children but also for all the preparations with new school places, new housing, all that sort of thing, and thinking about how and when their dad will see them that sort of thing. It will take a little time to sort all that out. I can see how you feel manipulated by his change of heart with the relationship and maybe you can just be really really clear and say that it really is the end and you want to work with him to sort it all out, you know it's difficult, but can you both work together for the sake of making the best arrangements you can for the children, and have as little dramatic emotion in front of them, for their sakes.

That's not so bad, but are you prepared to do everything it takes for them to maintain a relationship with their father? If you're going to move a four hour round-trip away, you need to be willing to do at least 50% of the driving - so a two hour round trip, every other Friday and every other Sunday at a minimum.

I still don't think it's right that a parent can end a relationship and take the children away from their father (or mother in some cases). He loses his relationship and his children and you can just up sticks and start over.
Seems very unfair on your children as well.

Is there no way you can stay closer for your children's benefit?

Yes absolutely driving will be split 50/50. That was never a doubt in my mind.

I will do whatever I can to facilitate contact. Skype, phone, we’ve even discussed contact every weekend to begin with then reducing as and when it becomes unmanageable, if it becomes unmanageable.

I don’t want to do this but I really have no choice but to move. I really need the support of my family. I’m completely isolated here and property is not affordable. The only way is for him to stay in the family home and for me to move. Which we’ve discussed and agreed.

I hear you all loud and clear. It’s shitty. It’s shity for me to take the kids away, it’s shitty me to even consider it. It was shitty for me to even consider doing it at short notice.

I will discuss arrangements with him and make sure we’re in agreement.

I’m not a shitty person I promise. Just a normal person in a shitty situation.

Have you got the dc school places where you’re going? If he goes to court, do you think court will award you 100% custody? Can’t you stay nearer than 2 hours away?

Yes I have a school place. Other DC is preschool age.
We’re trying to avoid court. Which is why I know doing a runner is a bad idea.

He is in agreement about me taking them. We have a plan for contact.

I think I will tell him and make it clear that we are to only talk at certain times and outside the home. The daily stress and anxiety has been crippling... for us both!
I just want to get it over and done with so we can both begin to process and move on. I accept that that might not be in the children’s best interests though.

It's incredibly tough and I wish you the best with it all and glad you've got a school place sorted as required for the older one.

It sounds to be moving a bit more positively already - sometimes it's worse the contemplating how shitty it's going to be than when you (for want of a better term) 'get stuck into it' and then it starts moving forward a bit more.

Honestly I think the every weekend probably won't be sustainable (not only from the parental travel commitment POV) but for the children it's a lot of time in the car plus means any friendship building and activities to settle them into their new location over weekends would be lost.

He of course can always come up to see them a few weekends on the trot if he could come to where you live for those 'extra' weekends that might be better but it will be hard enough doing the EOWs - I wonder would that be confusing for the children and set an unrealistic expectation either that he's part of their life up there or, even just having the 'every weekend' scenario, again will that set an expectation that then turns out to not be sustainable (time-wise, financially etc).

It's fine at the start and I thought EOW wouldn't be too bad, but when you've been doing it endlessly for several years it grows very tiring.

As the kids get older and their friends and peers become more and more important to them they will likely stop wanting to go quite so often but that's to come a lot further in the future than where you are at the minute.

Personally I'd ignore a lot of these replies OP. Unless there is a very good reason, I fully believe that children are better off with their mother and that 50/50 is not ideal. Very few men are the primary carers.