I fucked up.

[MsMarvel]

Been with dp for 6 years. I think i still love him. Or maybe i just love the security of our relationship. I just dont know any more.

I met a guy through work, doesnt work in the same region as me but sometimes is in the area. Met him twice during work, got on well with him and was in touch with him most days. Just friendly chat. Then he was in the area again at the weekend and we met up for drinks. We both ended up pretty drunk and kissed. Stopped almost straight away, and left, but it happened.

Dp knows about this and has kicked me out. Which i deserve. I just dont know what to do for the best. I feel like ive really fallen for this guy, which is ridiculous bevause ive only met him 3 times. Even the thought of throwing away a 6 year relationship for something that would never work, is crazy.

But the fact is ive fallen fpr someone else while in a relationship. Thats not a good sign is it? Ive hurt dp so much and i hate myself for that. I dont even know if we could work things out from this point. I dont know if dp can forgive me, which o can understand.

But then at the back of my mind i would he gutted to cut contact with this other guy.

I know ive completely fucked up. I just dont know what to do from this point for the best. I dont even know what i want any more. Im so scared in case i do the wrong thing.

Your posts are all “I, I, me, me”.

End your relationship kindly and without the kind of self pitying shite you’ve been writing here, it’s emotional blackmail and he doesn’t deserve that. Don’t make him have to comfort you, you did this and he deserves to be told it’s over gently and fairly without it being all about you.

Then you need to get a grip, you cannot go around messing with people’s lives like this. Stay single until you’ve got your shit together and can be sure you won’t be so cruel in future.

Here’s a grip. You need one.

Ive ended things. Was horrible, dp (ex now i suppose) has said that he will wait for me to chamge my mind, hes been so nice to me i dont deserve it. Said that the last 6 years were the best of his life. I feel so sh9
it. But its better in the long run for everyone

You’ve done the right thing.

Now please go and get some help. You need to understand why you keep behaving like this.

How much control do people have over emotions of "love" or "lust"? OP didn't choose to fall out of love with her partner, or fall in love with this new man. I don't believe humans naturally mate for life - it seems that the relationship with her partner had just run its course.

Scott i kinda feel like that too.

The reason my posts sound really self involved is because i need to figure out whats best for me in the long run. Its not fair on anyone if i stay in a relationship im not happy in because exdp wants it to still be a relationship.

Hes my absolute best friend and my heart is breaking that ive lost that, but if i step back and look at it, i dont think im 'attracted' to him any more.

Ive fallen for the other guy. But didnt even realise that until this had all happened. I didn't set out to cheat.

Exdp has said that he'll wait and give me some space, his mum has been in touch with me saying she hopes we can work it out. I just feel like such a monumental bitch for causing this.

But then im also thinking that i do need to follow my heart and my gut in this, if i regret it down the line then thats on me.

How much control do people have over emotions of "love" or "lust"?

You can’t control how you feel. You can control how you act on those feelings.

Two completely separate things.

Anyone who does something which deeply hurts another and then tries to explain it by saying they weren’t in control of themselves is a liar. We are all in control of our own actions, if we choose to do something profoundly selfish at the emotional expense of someone else, it’s a choice. To pretend it’s anything else is insulting.

I know ive gone about it all the wrong way. If this needed to be ended, it would have still caused a lot of hurt to exdp, but ive made it so much worse by not having the guts to say anything before it went this far.

I know thats totally on me. But now i am trying to deal with what ive caused to mininise any hurt to anyone.

In my previous relationship where it ended similarly, i was very young, no excuse i know, but i dont think im so bad that i need therapy.

These things happen.

Sometimes we seek a catalyst to get us out of things that make us feel trapped. It's dysfunctional but not uncommon.

I am pretty sure your feelings for the other man will wane now that you are free. I would suggest holding back from jumping into anything until you've had sometime to clear your head.

At some point you will have to end a relationship without using a catalyst, until you take responsibility for your fear of being alone you will repeat the sane mistakes.

OP you can’t change what’s happened. You also won’t help anyone by wallowing in self pity and recriminations.

Clean break, let your ex P move on without hope of reconciliation, and you need to move forward on your own too.

Work out what you want from life and then do it. Reflection is positive, but wallowing in guilt and self pity really isn’t.

I just feel that just now if i told exdp that there was no chance of it working out, then it would be like kicking him when hes down.

But im still in touch with the other guy, and i dont want to stop that contact. When it came to it, i ended my relationship rather than delete him off facebook. I had a choice and i made it.

I dont do being single well... But i need to get over that, being scared of being single isnt a good enough reason to stay in a bad one, or jump straight into another one.

May I ask how old you are? I'm guessing early 20s maybe?

I dont do being single well... But i need to get over that, being scared of being single isnt a good enough reason to stay in a bad one, or jump straight into another

Learning to be on your own is a valuable life skill OP. I spent 4 years (by choice) not dating or being involved with anyone after I left my marriage with DS1. It is only because I was able to be self sufficient, cope alone and be ok with being on my own that I was able to consider a relationship with DP.

That may sound ridiculous, but until you’re ok with yourself, with who you are, and know that you can cope without needing a man this unhealthy cycle will repeat, because a man won’t change how you feel about yourself.

Take some time, work on your own emotions and work out what you need and take steps to get there. Only then will you be able to have a healthy relationship.

Because otherwise, bumbling through life blowing other people’s world apart because you don’t have your shit together is very unfair,

Im 27, nearly 28.

I was in my first relationship from 17 years old, last about 4 years, went straight into my most recent relationship, was with ex within weeks of splitting up with first bf.

Never lived my myself, always had 'someone' there.

Never lived my myself, always had 'someone' there

I think it’s crucually important that you do live and be by yourself for a while. You come across a lot younger than 27, and that’s probably because you’ve never had to stand on your own two feet before.

If you can get out of this pattern before you have kids you will save yourself a lot of heartache.

A few pp have said it but you really need to take some time out for yourself and be alone. Jumping from one relationship to the next isn’t going to do you any favours in the long run. Figure out what it is you want from yourself and from a relationship.

I have a flat sorted, can move in in a couple of weeks. Actually looking forward to living myself for the first time ever.

That's really good to hear

do you have children?

'hes been so nice to me i dont deserve it'
No. You don't.
You seem to feel so sorry for yourself and the fact that you've done this before shows how little you learn and how selfish you are.
One day, I hope you get your comeuppance because that's the only way you'll learn

No kids

I dont think ive been completely selfish, obviously with the initial actions, but i started this thread to kinda 'think' out loud to get my head straight, so i needed to focus on my feelings/thoughts/emotions. Thats not to say i haven't been dealing wit other things outwith this thread.

Thank you for the posters that made me feel a little less shit about myself, but also thanks to the ones that gave me a reality check, think i needed that to actually make the decision to leave.

Actually looking forward to living myself for the first time ever

That’s great news!