he hit me and i told - advice?

[kristrose]

basically my oh and me argued yesterday and i found out he was on tinder. i cried and yelled at him,im pregnant and felt so disgusted in him and heartbroken. anyways he slapped me in the face not because of that but because i brought something up. he did mark under my eye,im 23 weeks pregnant with our second child. hes never been abusive before,he has kicked off and he is controlling. he has slapped me a few weeks ago. i forgave him,and obviously took him back.

anyways,i rang my midwife and told her. i have an apt tomorrow with her and she wants to speak about it. i don't know why but im feeling really guilty for telling. i don't want them to think hes a bad father,i don't wanna lose all contact with him forever. i do love him but im so confused about the whole situation. i felt like im doing whats best for my kids and for me. but for some reason i feel upset that me and him might have to call the relationships quits forever. i cant have him in my life and our kids lifes if hes gonna put hands on me. im really scared what my midwife is going to say? and im scared of social services? if my kids get token off me i don't even know what ill do:'( has anyone done the same or been in a similar situation? is he not gonna be aloud at the birth? whats gonna happen now? will social services take my children off me:'(
when i rung i had my childrens intrest in mind,i don't want them going up seeing what i seen as a child. i want them to not have to recover from their childhood. hes not a bad father or a bad person,he is under a mental health prof for psychosis. i just don't wanna stay with hin and have the abuse or be scared or have the abuse get worse? am i doing the right thing? why do i feel so guilty.:'(

1. Speak to the midwife and tell her exactly what has been happening
2. Abusers do not change. If you accept this behaviour now you will accept it forever, or until he permanently damages you.
3. At some point, he will probably hit your children too. Do you want that?

Your midwife will want to see you putting your children first. She will know you are taking the first step to doing that because you have told her. Now you need to keep putting them first by distancing yourself from him and asking him to leave. Even if you love him, he is not good for your or your children.

I had a family member who was under mental health team for psychosis - they never hit anyone.

Only an animal hits a woman only a monster hits someone who is 23 weeks pregnant

Just like you say, this is in your children’s best interest - be completely honest and open. Psychosis is a serious medical condition which can put himself and his family at risk. You and your children should be made safe and your partner appropriately risk assessed. He is already under mental health services which is helpful. Social services are not an agency to remove children, but to support families. There may be meetings and several different services involved, please follow the advice and guidance of professionals. Good luck with your pregnancy

You can't stay with him. You won't be safe and your child won't be safe. You need to report to the police and get him out of your home. Midwife should be able to offer support and advice.

Whether he is a bad person / bad father / has psychosis are all irrelevant. He has harmed you and that is unacceptable. He had already done it a second time - you know deep down there will be a third and you saw as a child what it is like to grow up with that.

You need to project yourself and your children from his behaviour. Speak to the midwife - she will be able to offer help and support. She (and social services) do not exist to take children away, they are there to help you to keep your children safe and healthy.

Op you have nothing to feel guilty about. Would you want your own dc to be treated how you are? Would you criticise them if they told their midwife they'd been hit?

Pregnancy is a well known trigger for escalating domestic violence. He’s following the script.

Well done for telling your midwife. Be very honest and she will help you to access support and keep yourself and dc safe. That will probably mean you need to separate from your partner. Being on Tinder is, in itself enough for most women to leave a relationship.

You are in shock but keep going and life will improve. Get RL support from friends and family and never, ever accept that any slap, punch or kick in the head is your own fault.

Remember that if a stranger slapped you in the face you would call the police. This is actually worse.

First of all, well done for telling your MW, it was absolutely the right thing to do and very brave.

Go tomorrow and tell her exactly what you’ve written here, your worries/fears and how it’s not the first time.

He has hit you, twice, while you are pregnant. He is never going to change. I know he says he’s sorry, and cries and says all the right things to make you believe he’s sorry, but he hit you. You are carrying his child and he saw fit to raise his hand and hit you.

That is not normal, it’s not acceptable and it is abuse.

The midwife will be about protecting you, not punishing you. Her priority will be you and your baby’s safety. She’s not someone to be feared, she’s the way to help you.

He didn't hit you because you "brought something up". He hit you because he is abusive.
He slapped you. That is also abusive.
So he's an abusive, controlling, violent cheat? He is a bad father (a good one doesn't hit their mother) and a pretty shitty excuse for a human being too.
You are doing the right thing in confiding in your MW. You need to keep you and your children safe.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation but it begs the question why bring more children to a bad relationship?
So sad. Violence will get worse unfortunately.

You said "he has never been abusive before" but also that he slapped you a few weeks ago. That is abusive. As other posters have said, you need to tell your midwife everything. You should also consider:

• do you really want to stay with a man who treats you like this? Is that best for your kids?
• do you have somewhere else you can go and stay to get some space to think about this? Is there somewhere else you can ask him to go?
• if you do want to stay with him, he has got to change. As a minimum he needs to come off Tinder and promise to be faithful, and promise not to hit you ever again. But you need to be strong enough that if he does those things again, you walk straight out of that door.

for you OP.

Was your child there when he hit you?

If they hit you once and you accept that, then that opens the door for them to do worse. It escalates. So yes you've don't the right thing. You should have done it the first time to be honest.

Just be completely honest with the midwife and go with it. You can't cover it up or be seen to. Because that way lies losing your kids and all sense of self as the DV escalates.

Oh yeah and they are always sorry, always promise never to do it again.

Sadly abuse often begins or escalates during pregnancy. I can't remember %ages but think it might be around a third of abuse.
They will not take your child away from you because he is abusive. You will be expected to follow any advice given to keep your child safe.
Personally I'd leave. If it isn't that easy for you, keep one foot out of the door so that you can leave easily if you need to down the line.

thankyou everyone,im a very bad over thinker. all i thought was my children would get took off me:( he was on tinder to quote as he said 'wind me up'. i have been distant with him but if your girlfriends being distant if you loved her that much youd be trying to mend the relationship and trying your best to sort things out. not going on a dating site to wind me up. i do question sometimes if he actually loves me or if hes just comfortable with me. his mum knows this has happened and hasn't even said anything to him. she picked me up and he was over her house and when she seen him she was acting like nothing has happened. shes like it all the time. i just think what the f*. if i knew my son was controlling,bullying and hitting his pregnant girlfriend id be disgusted with him and go nuts. im not excepting her to go mental but at least have a word like? instead of turning a blind eye to your son being mentally and physically abusive. it annoys me when she acts like shes the best nana cause i think if she cared that much about my children and me whys she allowing this? it pisses me off.

ive been with him 2 years and weve been by each others side for 2 years,i do love him,and i do love our family. id like to believe hed change but does an abuser every change? i need to do whats best for the safety and well being with my children. i feel so bad cause my lg is such a daddys girl. she says his name all the time,crys for ages when he leaves. i know shell be upset but she wont understand. and im sure shell be thanking me when shes older. i feel like im contradicting myself,sorry if i don't make sense. my heads spinning,just don't know what to do. all im trying to tell myself is this isn't gonna happen all tomorrow. like im not gonna cut all contact with him,never see or speak to him again and have to get on with my life. this is gonna be a long and hard process to decide what is best for the kids and for our relationship.

does an abuser every change?

No, never.

You’ve done the right thing OP, you really have.

Stop blaming both yourself and your mil, she didn’t hit you.
You have absolutely done the right thing and if SS does get involved they will want what is best for your children ( as I’m sure you do too)
Try and be brave and strong and imagine in 18 years time your daughter is in a similar position, what would you tell her to do? You dint want her to grow up thinking it’s ok for a man to hit you

OP he will not change. He is a danger to you and your DD. You can do this, one step at a time. You have been so brave telling the midwife.

It worries me that you're pissed off with his mum but you're prepared to forgive him for slapping you. Can you see the problem with that? You should feel very angry with him.

If your midwife feels that you are not acting protectively then she will make the decision to make a referral to children social care.

You need to think about how you are going to get out of this relationship and focus on protecting yourself and your children.

I think that if your MW makes a SS referral it would be solely to support and protect you and your children, not to frighten or intimidate you. It’s important that you know that, and that if SS do become involved it’s to help you, not to take your children away.

if i knew my son was controlling,bullying and hitting his pregnant girlfriend id be disgusted with him and go nuts.

You are his girlfriend and you are still all over the place looking for a way to excuse him. Why are you blaming his mother for not doing what you are not doing? You are his girlfriend who he has abused and hit. He is trying to fuck other women, not in order to 'get at you' but because he wants to fuck them and your feelings don't matter to him.

You don't love him, you are scared of a future without him. You are a good, decent woman and no-one has ever taught you how to love yourself, how to feel proud and valued and how to respect yourself. Don't look for that from a man who will take take take all that from you and will then take your children's love and self respect as well.

You have a chance at a future without all that grinding drama, fear and shit going on in your life. Show your children how to value yourself. You are brave and you are strong.

why are you blaming his mother for not doing what you are not doing?*

Yep. He's an adult. It shouldn't take his mum to tell him off. If he doesn't know how to behave by now then I can't see a healthy future for you and the dc. It seems like you feel he'd listen to his mum more than you. Doesn't that strike you as odd? That you think your partner would care more about what his mum thinks than you about him slapping you. And it's not even her he's hit (as far as we know).

You have done exactly the right thing, well done for showing strength and seeing it through. Please be open with your midwife and listen to her advice. If you do that you have nothing to fear about your children being removed because you will have shown that you are putting their safety first. Good luck