How to deal with grief over a nc parent?

[MikeWyzowski]

My father has always been an angry man. He is extremely intolerant of what he deems to be fools (ie anyone other than himself and a handful of friends/family). As I am one of those "fools" who got tired of constantly being stupid and wrong we have not spoken for 6 months. My parents live 60 miles away, i have not been to their house for 2 years, so this nc has been a long time coming. I do now speak to my mother by phone every week or so although in the first few months we did not speak at all.

Most of the time I am fine about all of this, I am almost 50 and have teenaged children and a happy marriage. Mostly it is a relief not to be failing in someone's(df's) eyes all the time. But today I met a neighbour (who has been treated appallingly by my df in the past) who said "oh, i met your dad last week, and his dog!". I didn't know df had a dog which is neither here nor there but I feel crushed anew by the lack of a loving father. Maybe it's also all the stupid ads for letting your "wonderful father know how much you appreciate him this fathers day" at the moment. I don't want to feel sad because my father has never been a warm and cuddly dad but I am sad that I never had and never will have one of those.

Am I losing my marbles to be so upset? How do others with nc parents handle this. Also, on his birthday, do I send a card?

You are grieving the father you deserved and grieving for you for having got the father you actually got.

Sucks, but a really important process to be going through. If it’s been 6 months, you are pretty new to NC. So it is a rollercoaster of emotions.

Up to you if you send a card. Do what you think best for you and your feelings as long as you don’t go in expecting a certain reaction from him.

Surround yourself in your loving family and look after you.

I couldn't read and run. I'm almost 3 yrs nc with my Father. He said very hurtful things to me. He failed to show any remorse and made excuses for his behaviour rather than offer an apology or accept that he was wrong. He liked to think that he has excused himself of any guilt by saying 'the door is always open'. It may be, but I have no wish to be bullied and hurt again. I don't send cards (non convey the words needed). It hasn't been easy, it is like a grieving process. It hurts most when I see caring happy extended families together. We weren't like this before though so I'm actually 'missing' something that we never had. You must do what's right for you. I worry about the impact on my teenage children but their grandparents showed very little interest in them so they had no real bond to break. We concentrate on our own little family and close friends. It does get easier. Elderly relatives try to give me a guilt trip by saying "people die you know", they do and I have to prepare myself for this but his stubbornness is his problem, not mine.

Yes, I've considered how it will be if he becomes ill or dies. I won't change though, my siblings acknowledge how he is but one laughs it off (he is one of the few non-fools though) and the other says he just steps up when dealing with dad and does everything better and the way dad wants it done when dealing with him. Which is sad that he is always on edge.

Ugh! I hate feeling sad over this man!

It sounds like he's a narcissist and sadly I don't think you can change them x

Another here that is nc with parents.
My dad more recently a few years ago (after he lost his rag with me and squared up to me, pointing and swearing in my face while my young DC slept upstairs) because I gently disagreed with his political viewpoint.
I don't think I'll ever get over having rubbish parents, but I think it does get easier mainly due to not having to deal with them being in your life making you feel like you're shit.
Mothers day and fathers day are particularly difficult.
Ways I try to deal with it are:

• Speaking about it with a friend or my lovely DP
• Reminding myself of the horrible things they've done and said and imagining how crap I'd feel if i still had to deal with it I'm my life.
• Doing something nice with DC on mother or fathers day to distract myself.
• Remembering how all my life I used to browse card shops trying to find a mother or fathers day card that didn't sound sarcastic (e.g. "thanks for always being there for me dad" , "to a wonderful mum", "world's best mum" etc)
• This might sound a tad crazy but sometimes I like to imagine what my 'real' mum would be like, what qualities she would have, what job she would do, what things she would say to me, how she would be supportive and loving rather than constant criticism or nasty comments. Even down to her saying "Oh you look nice Rose" or "well done on your new job" or whatever. This started after i saw a warm nice mum looking type woman say something nice to someone at the checkout in the supermarket and started thinking I wish she was my mum I realise this last one is a bit weird though!

Ultimately it is just really shit and unless you've been there it's hard for other people to understand. I think it helps to acknowledge that it's really painful and be kind to yourself. Sending a handhold and

I have just gone pretty much NC with my dad. It’s been a gradual process since he split up with my mum, and married a Russian woman 30 years younger. I had no interest in meeting her. He married without telling me anyway. He has contacted me less and less the last few years, only turning up when he needed somewhere to stay for a few nights, and now it’s been 6 months and he doesn’t know I am pregnant. Dh contacted uncle to check he was actually alive. Turned out he was in the country and rang dh. Dh told him not to bother coming round, he accept that without a much of a fight. It’s the end of along road of him being a shit dad all my life. He now just looks like a sad pathetic old man and he is fast running out of money. Sure she will dump him once it’s all gone. But i will not be there to pick up the pieces.

I do feel jeoulous of people with good relationships with their parents. A friends dad is dying and she is devastated but she will get to go through the normal grieving process. I feel like I haven’t had that chance. And I feel strangely jealous of her.. Nobody apart from dh really understands or is able to support me like they would a friend whose dad died. I sometimes find myself filled with grief at what I have lost. He was a very full on guy when he was there, and I was a bit of a daddy’s girl. I am very lucky that I have amazing husband. I think I will find it hard when my son is born in a few weeks. But I am better off without him in my life now.

Been minimum contact for years since my father left my mother for another woman.

Have tried to maintain some contact purely for my kids. He very openly favours all his other grandchildren (step gc and natural gc) over mine which I find incredibly hurtful, he knows I'll hear about it via a sibling. Recently, he upped this behaviour and I've had enough so am stepping back completely.

My Dh is incredibly supportive, my kids are old enough to see him for the narc he is and they've been supportive too, even surprised I've not done it sooner.

In the past I've smiled and nodded at relatives passing on information about him, it doesn't really bug anymore but do change the subject cos I'm just not interested in talking about him.

Had a sudden death in our family last year, part of me did think what if it was him instead? I realised I'd be ok with it which is probably why I'm ok about going nc now.

Father's day we concentrate on my Dh, who is a superb father, unlike mine.

My way of coping is not to dwell on what he's done to me in the past, if I did I'd feel like he's winning. My mantra is "the best revenge is to live well". I'm annoyed at him atm due to what he's done lately but I know this will pass.

In truth I feel sorry for him, I have an incline that he is jealous that me and Dh have such a genuinely good relationship and a modest lifestyle while his 2nd marriage is not in a good way and all his pots of cash can't make it better.

I’m nearly 2 years of nc with my father. A culmination of preferable treatment towards my brother ended with him giving my brother the family home when my mum died and ringing me to rant that my brother was his no 1 priority when I was on my knees dealing with a teenage son who was extremely violent towards me after getting brain damage from meningitis the year before. It was actually the wake up call I needed to realise the man I worshiped as a dad was not and never was in my corner.
I still have moments of what I suppose you could call grief but I hear on the grapevine of his latest bout of twattery and it brings me back to the reality of it all, he’s an arse , hope can’t change that. So I suppose what I’m saying op is that what we hoped for and what we got as fathers are two different things. Be glad of your lovely close family and try not to give him any headspace.