Anger with (recovering) alcoholic sister

[DolceButNoDecorum]

It's transpired in recent months that my sister has had a serious alcohol problem - well hidden - for over a decade, most of her adult life.

She's sober now (I think/assume) and going to AA daily.
I'm really impressed with how well she's doing beating it.
But during all this it's also come out that she did some awful things during the time she was drinking. For instance, she stole valuable and emotionally salient things from the family (stuff of my parents', stuff my mum had set aside for me in the future, etc etc) and she has lied, and lied, and lied. And lied.

I'm so angry with her, but can't express it partly because there's this feeling that any stress will send her back to the drink. I also feel like I've lost her, and that her life and our relationship was built on lies.
I don't want to feel like this but don't know where to put my rage. The stress this has caused my parents is enormous, and has completely dominated them.
I want to be supportive, but I'm struggling.

Any advice? TIA

Find your nearest Al-Anon meeting?

I could be that sister. I am now sober for nearly 5 years but I did some absolutely horrendous things through my active drinking years and will live with that for the rest of my life. I have been forgiven by my family on the whole but it doesn't take the sadness and anger that I did these things away and never will to be honest.
Have you spoken to her about it? I'm not an AA person myself but I know that step 4(?) is about apologising to those you have hurt. I'm willing to bet that she is feeling equally devastated - maybe try to tell her how you feel? I know my family did and although it was bloody horrible to hear, its important for permanent recovery.
All you can all do really is realise that it wasn't 'her' and hopefully things can be mended

Has she honestly apologised and asked for your forgiveness?

Alcoholism thrives on secrecy and its also known as the "family disease". You are also not responsible for her alcoholism and the 3cs are again prescient here:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

I would also suggest you contact Al-anon and attend their meetings in person if at all possible. At the very least speak to them over the phone and read their literature. Be supportive to your own self, help you first.

Yes, I should probably do that, stargirl. I have very little time (young kids, full time job) so it will be a struggle, and tbh the idea of giving up something else I love doing (which this would involve) to go to a meeting also makes me cross.

Str4nge, thanks for posting. I'm really pleased things have worked out for you, and relationships with your family are mended. And I'm sorry for what you've been through.

My sister has basically said she'll apologise when she's ready/reached that stage. It all seems to revolve around when she wants to do things still, which I also find hard to deal with. I know I sound really unsympathetic. In real life, I haven't been like this.

bonnyshide - partially, but not quite. And I suspect there is a load more to come out.

Atilla thank you. Very useful to hear.

All you can all do really is realise that it wasn't 'her' and hopefully things can be mended

But it was her. Her sister did these shitty shitty things and the OP is the one left feeling shit about it. Being an alcoholic does not absolve you of personal responsibility. If a pissed bloke beat his wife, would you say it wasn't 'him' so he can't be judged for it? Would you bollocks.

We have an alcoholic in the family and they frequently make life hell and it is always, always, all about them and their needs. I think you are fully entitled to your anger and to express it any way your want, your sister is an adult and has to own her own shit.

thenavigator your post just made me cry with relief, for some reason.
I do feel like it was her. Because of it wasn't, then I haven't known "her" for a huge chunk of our lives together.

*if it wasn't

You can be honest with her. If she is doing an AA 12 step programme this bit is the hardest and most intense. Ideally, this stuff wouldn't come out until she'd fully worked through it and was ready to make her amends but it's not always perfect.

She'll be dealing with a huge amount of stuff / information / change right now - they say in AA you only have to change one thing: everything. It's a massive commitment and takes a lot out of you to a) admit and realise the full extent of your drinking and the damage it's done and b) start stopping the behaviour that fuelled it and completely relearning how to live life without needing to drink.

So I'd say be honest with her if that's what you need and also be patient with her whilst she learns her new way of life.

I would write a well thought out letter, therapeutic for you, then give it to the sister explaining that you don’t want to slow her recovery but these are things you feel to be said, then ask her to discuss it with her sponsor and open it when she feels strong enough. It’s tough on families, been there, get to the meeting if you can but there’s also a phone line for families affected by alcohol. Good luck OP.

So hard for all of you, and I do sympathise. They do lie, I'm afraid. My sister was an alcoholic but hid it well. She was taken into hospital once after her stomach swelled up with ascites. She stayed in for six weeks and had to have the fluid drained constantly during that time. When she came out, she was warned never to touch alchohol ever again. Ten years later she was rushed back in, and died after two weeks when her organs failed. No one knew (although admittedly I live 100 miles away and could not have known).

So what I'm saying is that yes, they do lie all the time, and they are very successful at lying. I doubt it's important for your sister that she apologise. That's the last thing on her mind. I know you're upset, but your dsis is in the grip of a very dangerous obsession, and I do hope she can beat it. We still miss mine, four years later.

I'd also like to add that, if her experience is anything like mine, she will also have just realised the same as you ie she doesn't know the person she thought she was. It's a massive realisation to admit to yourself exactly what you've become and how badly you behaved. We are masters at hiding and denial from ourselves as if we truly admitted it, we could not continue and the alcoholism pushes us to keep ignoring so we can feed our addiction.

So she's probably reeling but if she continues with her recovery, apologising and then making amends for her behaviour will form a huge part of her recovery.

Yes, I also suggest you go to Al-Anon. And wait until your sister (hopefully) reaches Step 9.

My sister has basically said she'll apologise when she's ready/reached that stage. It all seems to revolve around when she wants to do things still, which I also find hard to deal with

Well, it is her recovery. It’ll be hard for her.

Al-Anon would really help you process your conflicted feelings and give you space. And, most importantly, allow YOU to be heard. That’s what you need -your feelings validated.

But your sister might not be the person able orbest-placed to do that.

I worded that really badly. I'm sorry. What I meant was that the drug, bloody alcohol, does make us - us in us alcoholics- behave in a way that we wouldn't if we weren't alcoholics.. I am only realising who I really am now and would never ever do any of the things I did when I was drinking. My family, although furious with what I did, have seen that it was the actions of an out of control and thoroughly vile person during those years. Doesn't make up for it and I'm not saying absolve her of her responsibility but this thing makes us monsters. Probably still not making sense!!

You are making sense str4nge.

Dolce you have every right to be intensely angry. Absolutely bloody fuming, full of fury. Then it's STILL all about her, when she feels 'ready' to apologise. Meanwhile you can't say anything bcs it'll tip her back into addiction ffs. Grrrrrrrrr

I'm an addict (not booze) and I know this vile disease from both sides. Go to al-anon and vent your fury. Really, it's the best place for you. Go to a meeting somewhere else on another day so you don't have to give up your other meeting.

Al-anon meetings UK

Thank you all.

I totally get what you're saying str4nge.
Thanks again for posting.

I've really appreciated the understanding on this thread. I've read and reread all posts. Thanks to all

But you don't have to forgive some things. I will not speak to or let a distant relative back in my house, after he stole valuable and irreplacable items from me while I was actually at the funeral of my father. And it wasn't the monetary value but the fact that these were things given to me by my father. I am not interested in his story because ultimately it is only about him making himself feel better. I won't say it is ok because it isn't. He needs to live with the guilt.

You are absolutely entitled to your feelings. And you do not have to forgive or forget. It will actually be harmful to her recovery for her not to feel the consequences of her actions.

That said, I also recognise where she is now, where just trying to stay sober is the only goal you are capable of pursuing. I would maybe write down what you're feeling now - either here on MN or in a letter, so that you have some catharsis and so that you have your feelings to show her with the acuteness that you're feeling now, at a time when she is better able to process it. None of what you are feeling is wrong, or unsympathetic, and you absolutely should not tip toe around her forever. Recovery is a long, long road - I think she is much closer to the beginning that you really appreciate. How long has she been sober for?