DP just grabbed my wrists

[Somekindoflove]

4 yr old wouldn’t go to bed tonight for the fifth night in a row. His behaviour is really bad. After the last two hours of getting him to bed he’s still kicking off. Husband shouting at me to put him into my bed to get him to sleep but it’s getting s habit. Finally I give in and get him out of bed where my son starts screaming and crying. I get him into our bed and go to cuddle him to stop him being upset. DP barges into room and tells me to get out. I told him I calming the situation down but he keeps insisting. My son is in my arms and I’m cuddling him. Dh grabs me by the wrists so violently and hard and takes him off me. I leave the room and I’ve got in the car and left. I’m in such a state. I don’t know what to do. I’m parked up in a car park

Where's your son? Please don't leave him with your partner! Your partner seems volatile if not violent. Please get your son then leave

He won’t do anything to our son. I’m not worried about him at all. If I had stayed it would have got really bad. My last relationship was very violent and this has really triggered me

Imagine how scared your child will be in this situation. Do you have anyone you can call? If not call the police so they can remove your partner from your home

Oh dear, you both sound very tired, stressed and are at each other's throats. Two hours to get a screaming four yo into bed must be completely draining, maybe your dh should try and get him to go to bed in the future for a while. Have you spoken to your dh since you left, is dh normally like this or has he reached his limits too. You must be very upset, hope you are ok and everything has calmed down. When the time is right perhaps you and dh could see GP about your sons behaviours if you think it might help.

Is there anyone you can call, family or friends to come and be with you.

Can you call a relative to help calm things down ?

The shower backs on to literally where our sons head is. DP is in there laughing at something really loud. He has no awareness apart from himself. It’s 9 o clock and he bursts in our daughters room saying you ok. She’s asleep for Christ sake. Drives me crazy. I’m parenting on my own. He never puts them to bed

My mum is still convinced us kids were never in any danger too
How absolutely terrified must your child be and you leave them alone with him immediately after doing this?????

Either that or I would have punched him myself I left for my child. So he didn’t have to hear any more arguing. What a mess.

Op you need to take a few calming deep breaths, and GO BACK NOW.

Don't react or be anything but calm. Check your son is fine. Go to bed to think this through, GO NOW.

Your dh shouldn't have done that.
You both sound exhausted and stressed
Your son is getting a huge amount of attention for this behaviour though, isn't he?

The problem is you don't have a clear strategy and you aren't working together.

After 2 hours of playing up I wouldn't be cuddling him in my arms. I would be a stuck record "bedtime now" and a return to the bedroom. If he's screaming make sure the room is safe and leave him to it. Sit on the stairs to return him. Expect a horrendous first few nights, but it should improve within probably 4 nights at most. Keep a strict rules around your own bed - either he can go to sleep in there and be moved later, or not, but don't start off saying no and then change your mind.

Dh needs to apologise. If he's usually a good sort driven to the brink by your DS testing you out then where you go from here would be different from if this is not an exceptionally isolated incident.

I'm so sorry. Nobody has to tell you how this story will end, do they? But you have survived and got out before, so you can do it again.

Of course it's exhausting and frustrating when a child won't sleep, but he could have left and gone out in the car, or for a walk to calm down. Instead he assaulted you. I agree that you should call the police.

I’m home. I do all those things but dh like tonight takes over

somekind
If dh takes over then he's not working as part of a team. To be honest the strategy is less important than that you support each other in it. Not make a plan, then have someone change the rules half way through.

Oh yes I know this. He’s the parent they want, I’m the parent they need. It’s like trying to rationalise with a frog. Listens but doesn’t ever work as a team

Don't listen to people saying your child is naughty or playing up. For some children there is a genuine reason why they cannot sleep. If this is a regular event it needs looking into. You need to start wondering why you child's behaviour is 'really bad'. Is it a result of your and your partner's strained relationship? Or did your child's behaviour come first?
Behavioural problems in children can have many causes and you need to start unpicking what's going on here.

And just to reiterate, 'bedtime now' will not work.with children whose sleep problems are due to a disorder such as ASD.

bye actually it worked very well for my autistic son. Gently done, rapid returning.
Autistic people are capable of learning routines. I can't make him sleep but I can teach him when bedtime is, that he needs to rest and stay quiet unless there is an emergency. Of course if her dc is severely autistic and non verbal then a different plan might be needed....

Where did OP state that her son had any sen?

That’s truly shocking. My OH would know better than to try and grab me and remove my DC off me. If your doing all the night time routines and most of the parenting he needs to leave you to get on with it. My OH would mutter away about what he thought I should be doing with my DC. However as I said to him, you don’t feed them, bathe them and or put them to bed so if you fancy taking over that’s brill I will go and get the tv controller and grab a seat. He can’t choose to interfere, be aggressive in his attempts to enforce his opinion as and when he feels like it. I feel for your DC.

It's totally out of order that he grabbed him from you by force, overriding your choice of how to handle the situation.
Does he behave like this a lot?

Never done that before. He also knows I was in a very bad violent relationship before. We’ve been together over a decade and he’s never done anything like that before. We aren’t speaking at all this morning, I can’t even look at him.

How are you this morning OP?

Oldbirsy's advice is really sound but husband needs to be on board. He needs to grow up a bit but will only come from a rationale discussion when you are not wound up with a child playing up. Kids are really good at divide and rule, even young ones so you need to be having a common approach but after two hours this needs to be firm....in fact once you have gone back up and comforted him once, you need the firm approach. Believe me it does work but you need to be consistent and not arguing as parents

I’ve done this. I have three kids so I know how forceful to be. Unfortunately, no matter how many times I try it always gets sabotaged by DP who can’t cope with discipline. He wants to Pacifiy all the time. Last night I stood my ground and look what happened. I feel sick this morning, my eyes look like I’ve put my head in a sack of pollen and I’m exhausted. Can’t even look at him.