Talk to me about recovering from an abusive relationship.
Well abusive is probably too strong a word but tomorrow my ex fiancé is 3.5 years is coming to collect her stuff and our dogs. I’m so angry yet so sad and even though I know 100% it’s the right thing to do for many many MANY reasons, I just wish things were nice again.
Our relationship was always turbulent. She had a pretty bad time growing up and we met when we were fairly young (she was 21, me 22) (think abusive dad when she was young who left then Mum died when she was 16 and she ended up living with her grandparents, then whilst we were together Dad was put in prison for some very nasty offences) and I guess I made allowances for that. We hit some big problems after about a year shortly after we started living together. She quit her job as she had a new one. Something went wrong and she spent a month lying to me about going to work when she wasn’t and took out a loan to pretend she’d been paid. I finally caught her out and she admitted it and said she couldn’t tell me because I’m so ‘wound up’ about money - I don’t believe this to be true . We were both low earners at the time and I budgeted carefully, that’s all. She got a new job. After 2 weeks she was let go from there and didn’t tell me AGAIN. I found out fairly quickly that time as a friend saw her shopping when she was meant to be at work and told me.
Finally got a job and things were well. Everytime something bad happened in my life, instead of being there for me, she would have a go at me about it. I had a nasty fall off my horse and had to ask her to take me to hospital (broken shoulder) and she turned up with a face like thunder and spent all night bitching at me.
I have a decent inheritance from my mum dying the year before we met and dug her out of a few holes financially. This started when we hadn’t been together too long (no lectures please, I have well and truly learnt my lesson) and accumulated to a lot of money being owed to me. I wanted her to pay it back (especially at the time when we hadn’t been together long). Strings of excuses why she couldn’t but eventually started paying about £100 a month.
We always had fairly vicious rows. Somewhere along the line, it became acceptable to talk to me like shit. Name calling, saying vile stuff about the horses (at the time they were a job as well as a hobby), wishing me dead.
I started a new job. Big payrise but also a big change with commute and shiftwork. The extra money was only enough that I could actually pay my bills instead of bailing myself out with inheritance. She threw a paddy that I wasn’t treating her more although after my commute (she walks) it was the same money. Technically in a way, she had more free money than me as I also had horse bills to pay - horses take a lot of time and money, I had them before I met her and I made it clear that wasn’t changing from the start. It’s not something you can pick up and drop, they need care whether you feel like it or not.
She would run out of money by the
Middle of the month then just expect me to pay for stuff despite me having to budget every penny. So I would end up having to do an extra foodshop despite us budgeting half each ect. All this time I also put a roof over her head for free.
I struggled a bit during the start of my new job and became quite low. Her response was to tell me to crash my car on the way to work or to kill myself.
She lost her debit card and I STUPIDLY lent her my credit card. She needed fuel and money for food and I trusted her. It just made sense. She spent £500 (mostly on food) in 2 weeks then refused to pay me back straight away and said I was obsessed with money when I got cross.
The one time I made a large, needed purchase with my inheritance she was vile. Really nasty that I wasn’t spending more on her to go ‘for cocktails and shopping’.
It was my fault that she failed uni (because she refused to drop down her work hours to actually have time even though we could afford it), my fault we didn’t spend any time together (despite my schedule being printed 3 months in advance and her days off being very flexible and her never asking for a day off with me and she never wanted to do anything unless It was a 3 course dinner out and drinks paid for by me) my fault that she was bulimic. Everything was my fault. Even the fact that she ran out of milk when I was away for work.
Deep down I feel half of this is because she’s unhappy. I tried so hard to help her get help but she wouldn’t help herself. She doesn’t really have any friends. Doesn’t have any hobbies.
We have 2 dogs which I voiced my concerns over (I adore dogs and always had them but my old girl passed away just before I started my new job and now I just don’t have time with 10 hour shifts, hour each way commute and horses to see to). I said I was concerned because we were rocky. But she wanted them so I bought
them for her. To be fair she does look after them well and as I work shifts I’m often here in the day or she comes home at lunchtime to walk them on the rare occasion I’m not.
When it finally became too much and we truly broke up, she agreed she would fix stuff they’ve wrecked around the house in exchange for me giving her time to find somewhere else.
I let her stay for 2 months as I knew it would be hard to find something in her budget that would accept dogs. We arranged a leaving date. She never did the work.
I agreed to look after them this Saturday night gone. She never came back. Now says she’s going to collect her things and the dogs tomorrow. I’m so angry about the whole thing but also so sad. I don’t even know why I’m sad (bar saying bye to the dogs who I adore but I just can’t give them a good life) because it’s a train wreck. I can see that myself.
If we stayed together, I could never trust her after all the lies she’s told me. Even her own sister said to me earlier that she’s fed up with her because she’s a compulsive liar and seems hellbent on wrecking her life. I would forever be the one paying for everything. I would be the one doing all the proper cleaning, all the hard graft.
So why am I still sad?