Confused that dh has suddenly ‘seen me in a while new light’

[MrsJacksonBrodieTheSecond]

Dh and I are going through a rough patch. Resentment on my part, general fecklessness on his but right now we really are trying to work on our marriage.

Dh’s parents are soon to have golden wedding anniversary. They live 300 miles away, we have 2 young dc, eldest is autistic, so visits need a lot of planning. I’ve asked and asked dh if he will ask his parents if they want us all to come up or if they’ll be ok with just him going. He hasn’t because he doesn’t want to upset them and now it’s too late for anyone to go.

I said to dh that I’d be really sad if I have the relationship that he does with his parents when our dc are grown up. Immediately defensive and asks what he does that makes him such a bad son. I tell him that it’s nothng he’s done it’s just that he won’t talk to his parents about anything and they don’t talk to him about anything either. We only found out that his dm had a hip replacement because his aunt called me and asked why the hell we hadn’t even sent a card.

Dh and his parents would all say they have an excellent relationship and in a way they do - they never argue or fall out like I do with my family. But they never talk about anything at all. They will stay with us for a week and conversations are solely about weather, roads, news headlines, Duchess of Cambridge. That’s it. If I try to mention how ds is coping with his autism or that my dbro is struggling as his dw has a terminal illness they look at me as if I’ve suggested a threesome and immediately talk loudly about the weather (which you can SEE and FEEL, it’s there, out the window and you don’t need to fucking talk about it for 3 hours a day).

Anyway, the comment about me saying I’d be sad to have such a relationship with dc when they’re grown prompted dh to say ‘well, you’ve kept those opinions hidden well for the last decade. I’m suddenly seeing you in a whole new light.’ And he’s now not speaking to me.

I told him that I didn’t dislike his parents or anything like that. I just find their relationship odd and sad. Do I owe him an apology? We’re supposed to be opening lines of communication to save our marriage and he’s already ignoring me 🙄.

“I should’ve said that my dh openly dislikes my dm and will often bitch about her to me.”

Well he’s a big fat hypocrite then isn’t he?

I think resentment is a poison that will kill the love and joy in a relationship.

It sounds like you need to discuss that in counselling.

Out of order for him to call you by your mum's name like that. I can almost imagine the patronising tone he'd say it in! And then he can't hear a bad word about his own less then perfect family. Talk about double standards!

However I can see why asking your husband never to talk about his work was a bit of a death knell to the relationship. A decision made for the good of your family should have been one that you were all satisfied with. It's not ideal of course, and so very hard for you but asking him not to mention his work was never going to end well. I hope the counselling will help with the resentment.

Dh claims that he wants our marriage to work but I was the one who suggested counselling. He had to be talked into it as he hated the idea of talking to a stranger about our love life. But I was genuinely at the point where it was that or divorce. Actually properly talking is the one thing we hadn’t tried so it’s worth a shot at least.

Caring all fell to me as dh earns 10 times what I did. Such is life.

the going to therapy did really help us. When DH complained about the cost I pointed out it was much cheaper than divorce...

I was so emotionally detached when I decided to leave that I still get surprised that I really do love mine again, it has taken 3/4 years though.

I think people are being a bit harsh on the DH here, yes he has behaved like a twat but it sounds like he comes from a highly dysfunctional family. He can't engage unless they will, and suggesting he can control that is really quite unfair.

It is a little odd OP that you have been married for so long but you have never really questioned the impact his difficult family has on his relationship with them, and indeed on his relationship with his own family i.e. you and your sons.

Hmm. I don't think your marriage is worth saving, because your H is so fundamentally selfish. As long as his life is running smoothly (because you are picking up all the slack) he's not bothered - and he doesn't want to hear about the fact that you have given up your career and are doing the challenging job of looking after DC with additional needs, because that would mean he might have to, you know, give up some of his free time or comforts to help you.

fucked I’ve never really considered them difficult or thought about the impact of them on him to be honest. They’re just the way they are. As I said, I don’t dislike them or anything, they’ve always been kind and pleasant to me so I’ve never really considered them having an impact as such.

It was just listening to dh struggle through the weekly Sunday evening phone call that made me feel a bit sad. So I said it did. I didn’t really think that it would make him cross becaus I think of them as having such a superficial relationship that their doesn’t seem to be any emotion there. But obviously they’re his parents so of course there’s emotion and feelings there.

He’s away until late Friday now so now chance to speak to him about it until then. Not that he’d pick up the phone to me anyway at the moment. I will speak to him about it though. I will apologise for being thoughtless and upsetting him but I’m not apologising for actually saying it as such.

When a family member was diagnosed with autism I have to say it made me look again at the communication styles of a lot of the members of the family.

I have to say I would have been incredibly hurt if Dh had ever said that I could never talk about work to him again. I can see why it's so painful but tbh you did what your dh's family does - shut down communication about difficult subjects. Likewise, if your in laws will not tell you what they want (and I have similar issues and it's crap) then either enlist a brother or sister or someone to translate, or decide what you are going to do and just do it. I think it's really strange that none of you are going to the party, I would be upset if I were your in laws. I think there is such a huge history here that counselling is quite urgent.

Think he has over reacted but he obviously just doesn't see that his relationship with his parents is weird, I know a family that dont give any affection whatsoever to each other (no kisses no hugs no i love yous, absolutely nothing even when one of them is dying)

I said i wouldn't want to be in a family like that because no matter how lovely they all are (and they really are lovely people) i'm used to a family that is really affectionate.

I didn’t really mean that he couldn’t ever talk about his work again. It was just for a few months while I was getting used to it and he didn’t pick up on how hurtful I found it. I’ve now accepted that I can’t work again and always ask him how his day was etc. I even quite enjoy hearing about his work now as it’s certainly more interesting than listening to ds tell me the same 10 facts about extinct sharks 100 times a day!

I think both of you have fallen into bad ways of communicating and the most important thing in in counselling is working on yourself not on the other person. If inlaws have a big anniversary you go..no discussion. By even asking are they expecting ye all to go the joy is gone out of it. Family events are to be celebrated not endured. I think we all feel protective about our families as the ties are deep since childhood and something rises up in us when the other person critises them. My advice here is focus on yourself and how you need to deal with the grief of losing your opportunity to work and possible grief of your boy being autistic although you love him. I'm not saying all this to lecture you. I was in counselling myself for a long time and my biggest breakthrough came when l forgot about my dh and dealt with my own issues. Your dh will only engage with the counsellor if he feels safe and he won't feel safe if the first issue to arise out of it is critising his family.
And yes if a child has asd its helpful to look around both families and see if there are similiar traits there eg Fil or Mil. As your ds grows you will genuinely hope that people have compassion if his comunication skills are not great. Time now to practice that compassion on your inlaws who, if they are that long married, are not going to change now.

It sounds like the autism may have come from the DH's side of the family. (Not as tongue in cheek a comment as it may sound.. autism is very hereditary and a "aloof, untactful and unresponsive" atmosphere in one of the parents' families has been shown to be common.)

He didn't want to go, so he didn't ask. He now feels guilty about it. He's taking it out on you.

Oh I do so very, very hate the way in which difficult inlaws are armchair diagnosed with autism on these threads.

It is deeply unfair on people with autism and people with difficult inlaws. And just plain wrong.

Dh’s family have absolutely no signs of autism that I’ve picked up on. I’m aware that there is a lot of evidence that autism is hereditary but they don’t struggle to talk to each other - they just have no interest in doing so.