Digging deep, finding the reserves to weather the storm and work on relationship

[1234hello]

How do you do this?! Where do the reserves come from?

I don’t want to split, despite the relationship being in dire straits. Don’t want to put th kids and all of us through it.

Tagging @adventuretime as I think you might be adopting this work at it approach.

To anyone who has done this - was it worth it, where can I find the strength when life is already busy/tiring etc?

Thanks

Why is the relationship in such dire straits?.

Why don't you want to split?. Would you want this current model of a relationship for them?. If not, why is it supposedly good enough for you and in turn them?. Do not use a fear of change to keep yourself and these children in a rubbish relationship.

The children as well likely know and have heard far more than either of you care to realise. Children are also perceptive and can and do pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken.

Relationships should not be such hard work honestly. That is a myth and also can keep people in poor relationships. If you have not already done so, I would consider counselling for yourself only so you can speak freely without him present.

Thanks for the reply. Useful questions for me to ponder.

Interested to hear from anyone who is/has done the digging deep big thing, and also if others agree that relationships shouldn’t be hard work. If that is the consensus then we probably just need to split. Crap.

I think I read on here the wise words about there being a difference between working at a relationship and it being hard work.

When you say "digging deep" what exactly do you mean?

I mean if things have got a bit dull and strained, but you're both prepared to change your communication styles, compliment each other, be a team, have date nights, share workload more evenly - those things shouldn't be hard work. If they feel like hard work, then I'd suggest that's because you're doing them with someone you don't love.

If by "dig deep" you mean shut out your feelings about some big event, and pretend it's all forgiven and forgotten, sure it's possible, but it's certainly not healthy.

I used to think relationships should be hard work. But I was misguided. Yes, they can be hard - but that shouldn't be a defining factor for most of the time.

I then realised that I had believed they should be hard work because that's what I was taught by being in the family I was in when I was growing up - so I kept choosing partners who were equally inappropriate. Couple this with my own poor relationship model and skills, and relationships were enervating, demoralising, and often painful.

Not so much anymore, thank goodness :)