AIBU - I don't know

[Wankstain]

This is a two parter. A while ago I thought about posting the 1st, more trivial, part in AIBU for fun, but the 2nd part goes to the core of our relationship, and is currently playing on my mind.
1st part: DW won't accept "I don't know" as an answer, hates it, even when it is literally true. She thinks I am being intellectually lazy, or disinterested. I've worked around this, carefully avoided the phase for the past 10 years or more, preferring formulations like "I am not sure", "I haven't given given that any thought", "Ask X or Y, that's her or his field of expertise".
We talk a lot, DW and me; this is just wearisome. It is not that I am just trying to avoid conversation.
AIBU to tell her that I don't know, when that is just what I mean?

2nd part. I've never knowingly lied by saying "I don't know", until last week.
DW asked me the seemingly hypothetical question, what would I do if I found out that she had been unfaithful to me? I said I didn't know because the situation hadn't arisen and didn't know how I'd react. That was the lie.
In reality, I know with certainty that DW has been unfaithful to me on multiple occasions, with at least one, probably two, and perhaps more, OM, over a period of at least 8 years. AFAIK, she doesn't know that I know.
For context, our marriage had been more or sexless for a while, a combination of having 3 young DC and both of us having had medical problems. In the last year things have improved immeasurably, the tension has gone, and we are sleeping together regularly. The question about infidelity was part of post-coitial chatter.
I think that she wanted to start a conversation, perhaps confess, clear the air. But I am not her fucking priest! This is not a conversation that I want to have. And if we have to have it, I don't want to be guided into it gently with leading questions, to facilitate her confession. She should have the courage to just spit it out.
I really don't want to hear her explanations, or apologies, nor do I want to reassure her that everything is going to be OK. Nor do I want to tell her that I've known all along (and so have a half dozen others), and so that the answer to her shit disingenuous question is actually that I would stick with her.
Am I being being a complete arsehole? Am I morally obliged to discuss this with her?
Others must have stayed with unfaithful partners. What do you think?

'want to tell her that I've known all along (and so have a half dozen others'

I just don't know how this can happen without one of these people telling her

Plus you must have discussed her infidelity with these people for you to know they know about it

The whole thing is fucked up

She sounds horrible, arrogant and abusive. Who the hell is she to tell you how to answer?

To lie and be unfaithful with so many people means she has no regard for you and her family. To ask you what you'd do is for what?

If she's a nice person and you enjoy her company then you can split on amicable terms, still see each other as friends but you could move on to and be with someone who loves and respects you more! And she can be single and have sex with whoever she wants.

big chris

I think this was a mixture of ongoing affairs and shorter 1 or 2 nighters, when she was away on business.

There is plenty of evidence. Here are some of the sordid, stupid and revealing bits:

First came the lies. Verifiable, unnecessary lies. She was often not there where she said she was. One day she claimed she was going to a meeting in another city with colleague X. X turned up in the middle of the day at my business premises. When she got home late that evening DW cheerfully recounted what she and X had got up to that day. That was when I knew. How fucking stupid can you get? DW knew that X was client of mine, she'd recommended me to X. Why choose a mutual acquaintance? Why say anything at all if you don't need to?

Another colleague of hers, a friend of mine, warned me that she was a regular at a local hotel, not 400 yards away from her work. One of his students was working on the reception there and had started spreading credible rumours, making her a laughing stock. He spoke of different men, implying at least two.

I discovered that she had 2 credit cards and a bank account in the name of Mrs Wankstain. She's always used her maiden name. OK, this isn't particularly sordid , but it takes determination and forethought. I am not sure how easy it is for a married woman to have accounts in two different names. Nor do I know for sure that this was tied to her affair(s), but she kept it secret from me.

Then there was the soiled condom. I was spring cleaning when I discovered it behind our bed, a mangy used condom full of ejaculate. I've not used a condom for 20 years. It might have been the au pair of course, perhaps she got a thrill from shagging in our bed .

And the pictures - these are with my solicitor. Naked pictures of my wife smiling into the camera. Pictures taken on my pocket camera, that I lent to her. Pictures so good that I can read the name of the hotel on the room service menu on the dressing table in the background. The image data reveals the date, and I know she was there in that hotel, on that date. The serial number of the camera (or the SD card, I don't know which) is there too, the same serial number that is on hundreds of pictures of our 1st DC. And on dozens of other naked photos of her that I took - she like being photographed. That camera "went missing" and when I needed one I borrowed DW's, and discovering that the memory card was full, I rummaged around in her camera bags for a spare. That's how I found it.

My missing camera is one of the little trivial things that really pisses me off. I nagged her about it for a while, teasing, taunting, annoying her about it, but I never got it back.

Gosh, that was a bit of a rant, longer than the OP.

Got to do some work. My PA is hanging around the office door and looking a bit . Probably thinks I am flirting on tinder in something.

Oh gosh , thats awful

She has treated you dreadfully, how can you respect her at all?
I think you may just be at the beginning of leaving her tbh, allowing yourself to think properly about what she's done and how that's made you feel.
Just from personal observation (no actual research conducted) I've noticed that a lot of relationships that break up do so when the youngest reaches about 4-5. It's like an awakening of sorts, they aren't all consuming toddlers anymore so you have chance to take stock. That's just my own musings though, sorry to derail.

As an aside is their any question on the paternity of your children? Do you also have regular std tests?

I think you know that you deserve better and want more than this. My advice is don't waste much more time. Don't wait until you're really angry. It's much easier to remain civil if you don't hate the other person.

Seems like you’re both happy to live in this disfunction. Lots of people are. A surprising amount of people actually.

People make mistakes.
Marriage need work.
Some occasions more than others.
For you to move forward in your relationship, to be healthy in said relationship you have to let this go.
Let go of the anger and resentment.
Easier said than done.
But times heals.
Focus on the good stuff.
Lovely children, home , business, the good times you do have.
And next time the question start tell her the truth. ( you wouldn't stand for it - same as any other man obviously)
Like someone else said people confess to affairs to ease guilt.
It doesn't really help the other person though.
Maybe she is doing it for drama
Or has some kind of self destructive tendency.
Don't play these games / drama larma with her.
Good luck

She knows that you know.....I would bet my last £1 on it.

The evidence trail that she has created actually leads me to think that she WANTS you to know, she KNOWS that you know, and she loves the thought that she can rub your face in it, and you'll still stay.

I couldn't stay with someone who thought that way.

She so knows that you know-she's left a trail on purpose and wants to keep wiping your face it in.
If you can live like that then fair play, but I couldn't live with someone, much less share a bed with someone who so obviously had no respect for me.

i dont think she definitely knows but i think she might have an inkling..but i also think you can do better mate