DSis is planning kids with her manchild - I can't say anything, can I?

[TheVampiresLife]

He doesn't cook, I've never seen him offer to make her a cup of tea or a drink. She does the cooking, the washing, the cleaning. In the mornings she makes his coffee, breakfast and then packed lunch (she tells me all this btw, I don't ask!). There was one morning where she was ill and struggling to get up to make his breakfast and he refused to get up to do it, apparently he's just "not a morning person".

When she gets back from work (later than him) she makes the dinner. She does all the admin, she sorts out his work admin too.

Of course a baby might make him up his game, but AIBU to be a bit cynical?

Apart from anything feminist about being equal etc, she has had health problems in the past relating to fatigue etc and I worry that she will burn herself out by doing everything plus looking after a baby.

Do you think he can/will change? I will definitely be seen as the interfering older sister if I say anything, won't I?

I'd have to say something. Bad it up with real life examples. Even without a baby she's being a fool. How can she shag such a pathetic specimen?

I think there's absolutely no chance he'll change, but sadly I also agree with you that trying to warn her is unlikely to go down well. Do you know whether she plans to work after having a baby? That might be one way to very gently raise the topic of how work around the house would be distributed. But I'd tread really carefully - if she thinks you're criticising him she's likely to just stop talking to you about it, and if she does end up with a baby and absolutely no support from him then the last thing you want to do is isolate her further.

Yes sounds like a disaster waiting to happen but also I can't think of any way to say anything!

What do you think you are going to achieve? Your sister saying ‘omg, you are so right. I won’t have a baby after all’ or more likely she will go ahead with the baby and cut you out bit by bit because she knows you know it was a bad idea and when it’s hard she is embarrassed to complain to you and unwilling to leave him.

I personally would do a mixture and say ‘I’ll support u whatever you do, it’s your choice and you’d make a fab Mum. He’s the person you have chosen and although we both know he’s totally rubbish help for you and unlikely to improve with a baby, if you’re happy enough, I’m happy.

I'd have to say something. She won't listen though probably, but I'd just say it once and then not mention it again.

Maybe probe a little as to what the division is labour is going to be like whilst she is pregnant and after the birth (er and forever more! But especially when she physically wont be able to do what she can now). In a non-judgmental way. "So, how does DH feel about being responsible for the washing?" In a "haha" way, but in a way that impresses your expectation that he will have to start pulling his weight. Make it clear that it is the norm that he starts doing more. Because I am sure he will have a million excuses and try to convince her its normal to be a lazy bastard.

I do agree that she may not take your input well if you are obviously "trying to put her off". She is presumably keen to have a child, and may be quite "blind" to anything about it.

Also, is she moaning she does everything? If she is, I think you can say "remember you always grumble that...etc". If she is just stating it as fact then there is a chance she either encourages his reliance upon her, or at least doesnt care. In which case she is an adult and thats her choice.

Given that she currently does everything, it at least sounds like she will be a good mother and cope quite alright on her own if he doesnt buck his ideas up in the future....as depressing as that outlook is.

If you are going to say ANYTHING, do it very carefully and with a lot of tact. Maybe ask her how (not if) he is going to help out when the baby arrives - e.g. if she's up all night with a crying baby he's going to have to get his own breakfast etc - rather than just pitching in and criticising him.

But be prepared for her to relate this back to him, and him then getting pissed off with you/not wanting her to have anything to do with you. Depends how controlled by him she is.

It's awful isn't it? When you can see it's all going to go tits up, but you can't really do anything to stop it. You're right, you can say anything. It's her life.

All you can do is keep doing what you are already, be a fantastic, supportive and caring sister.

You could try the sneaky technique of telling her things that are wrong, and which she will (hopefully!) disagree with, e.g.:

"Well, you are clearly a well suited couple, as he hates housework but you don't mind doing it all. And you are so tough that you'll have no trouble juggling all the household duties and a newborn baby. These days it's fashionable for men and women to share duties equally, but there's nothing wrong with being a traditionalist; if you prefer a strict divide and are happy with a woman's pace being in the home, then that's your business and you should stand up for your views."

I like it ravenmum
Great way to put it across.

That's a great idea raven, I never thought of doing it that way.

It's to get a handle on whether she minds or not. Sometimes she does complain about it and other times she seems to enjoy it all and having a man to mother.