Can’t forget my fling

[Helpmeplease1234]

Sit tight this is a long one!

So a few months ago me and my guy were having problems we grew apart and I started seeing someone else briefly I had a holiday booked with my ex and we decided to still go as we get along great. Anyway the guy I was seeing and I made plans that after the hols it was going to be and him making a proper go of it. Anyway we went on holiday and had a fantastic time we got close but nothing happened between us. There were a few happy family pictures on social media which I’m sure the other guy will have seen. When I got home he said he’d got back with his ex wife (which I knew was a lie) he’s not someone I can cut out of my life as our children are friends and play for the same football team so I see him almost everyday. Back to my partner we decided to make another go of it as we’d had such a great time on holiday and it’s been great for a few months but I cannot stop thinking about the other guy and the fling we had. I think given half a chance if I made a move on this guy he wouldn’t turn me down I think we both got hurt in the big mess that was out brief ‘relationship’ we completely fell for each other anyway now I feel smothered by my partner he’s constantly ‘popping in’ and always around he’s told me he’s been having panic attacks (I suffer with anxiety and depression) so I don’t need someone else’s mental health issues. I’m broken stuck with guilt and regret thinking what could have been. I just needed to get it out not sure if anyone can help but it feels good to offload

Why do you think he’s lying about getting back with his ex wife?

I think you need to step back from both of these men. It sounds like a headfuck for all parties.

We cleared the air me and his ex wife she said they weren’t together we’ve also been at social gatherings and they’ve not looked very much like a couple. I’m friends with her on social media and he never gets a mention. I honestly think he said it to save face

Whatever the case, he clearly doesn’t want a relationship with you.

Why are you back with your partner? It’s very unfair on him to string him along when you want to be with OM (who you also rejected). Also, this:

he’s told me he’s been having panic attacks (I suffer with anxiety and depression) so I don’t need someone else’s mental health issues.

Is harsh. Have you considered your behaviour may be causing or contributing to his anxiety?

I feel smothered by my partner he’s constantly ‘popping in’ and always around he’s told me he’s been having panic attacks (I suffer with anxiety and depression) so I don’t need someone else’s mental health issues

No wonder he's like this, you've cheated on him and played him like a fool, you're not even committed to the relationship. Leave him instead of selfishly stringing him along just because you don't want to be alone. Your poor DP shouldn't be a consolation prize because OM no longer wants you. My sympathies aren't with you!

I did not cheat on him we had a break for a few months and I never said I’d go back to the other guy either. I’m trying to move forward with my partner now but I’m stuck in a cycle of guilt! For your information I’m helping him through his panic attacks and anxiety problems and have pointed him in the direction of help. I’m not a horrible person all I’m saying is I’m finding it hard to forget what happened! Thank you so much for making me feel a million times worse than I already do.

I’m not here to win anyone over and say aww poor lass she’s in an awkward situation I just needed to vent and say I feel guilty and I’m really trying!!!

If you didn't cheat on your partner, why are you stuck in a cycle of guilt? I'm not sure I understand.

Because I made a silly mistake when I should have been trying to patch things up. I was selfish I know that. We have talked at length about it and we’ve decided to put it all behind us. I feel guilty because I slept with someone else and I shouldn’t have I wasn’t in the right frame of mind and feel stupid because I was made a fool of and yes to all the haters your right it serves me right.

Maybe clarify in the first place that you had broke up then because your OP reads that you drifted apart then you cheated.
Either way, your DP is going to be feeling insecure and worried you'll leave again/is probably scared you'll have an affair seeing as you have to see the other man so often and you're still not over him. Why feel guilty if you were both single?

You shouldn't have got back with your OH, it's not fair on him if you're still thinking of the OM in such a way and hoping thinking he'd jump at the chance of being with you. You're not committed to being with your OH. It doesn't sound like you're being supportive with his MH issues if you're moaning on here that you have enough of your own issues without his on top, you're resenting your OH because you left, got with someone else then jumped straight back with him (seemingly because OM was no longer interested) and now he's anxious about your relationship...

You need some time alone to adjust yourself rather than jumping between men.

Agree with Sweatymoose, you need time out to sort yourself out as you are not being fair to anyone.

Can you make a go of it with your partner? Do you love him enough? Do you want to be with him long term? Not just because you had a great holiday together. Holidays are easy, living together for years and years isn't. If you want to be with someone, you hope that they will take into consideration your mental health issues & likewise you'll do the same for them. Your harsh attitude to him suggests that you don't care for him that much at the moment. Maybe that is your gut telling you that the relationship is not going to last?

Do you like the fling enough to progress things with him? Does he like you enough? Is he really separated properly from his ex-wife? Is he just on the rebound? Do you actually care for him as a person, or were you both just looking to have a bit of fun?

Stand back & take a long hard logical look at it all. Take your time and don't rush. Think about what you want and what you are looking for in a partner and what you have to offer. You may come to the conclusion that neither man is suitable - but at least you can say you thought about it, them and yourself properly.

Thank you Margo your the only person who hasn’t jumped on me right away.

A little more to add probably. Me and OH are making a real go of it now we have been together for a while now we live in separate houses this works for us. I lost my husband (my children’s dad) four years ago as he passed away unexpectedly. My OH has been amazing with me and my boys. It was a mutual decision that we took a break as he was in a bad place and couldn’t commit to our relationship. We have discussed marriage and living together but this is just not on my agenda right now or in the next few years at least. I struggled with my husbands death and so did my boys. We are working together to make our relationship work and we’re getting there.

This OM isn’t even an option to me it was just a bit of fun which a lot got said and we rushed into things. I’ve absolutely drawn a line under that experience and it’s not something I’d do again! I was silly and felt let down and unloved I was shown some attention and made a silly mistake lots of people got hurt and I’d never ever want OH to feel like that again.

The point of this thread was to say I’m struggling to get over what happened, not that I’d do it again or I want to be with OM. In all honesty he’s not a great person And no someone I’d want to be full time or have as my children’s role model!

To clarify...I LOVE OH and we’re making a go of things. And as MH issues go if you struggle yourself and are having a wobble with your own MH taking on someone else’s MH issues isn’t great for your own mind! I’ve helped him and given him advice and pointed him to a men’s talking group where he can go and speak to other men with MH issues. How can he air his feelings to me when I’m the one who caused most of it? :(

I'm sorry to hear about your ex-H and I'm not surprised to hear your struggled with it all.

Maybe this thread is a useful way to work through your thinking as already you seem to have made a mental leap away from the fling chap. This was what you said in your opening post:

"but I cannot stop thinking about the other guy and the fling we had. I think given half a chance if I made a move on this guy he wouldn’t turn me down I think we both got hurt in the big mess that was out brief ‘relationship’ we completely fell for each other anyway"

I'd just say slow down a bit. Slow down and relax and don't rush things with your partner or anyone else. 4 years still isn't that long after the death of someone so significant in your life.

So you've basically told him to go talk to someone else about the issues you caused? Nothing like supporting each other through difficult times!

You need to be single for a while and sort yourself out. You're messing with people's heads and that's not on.

4 years is not long after the death of a DH. Your OP is missing a lot of relevant info that would make your problem easier to understand.
You can't have been with your OH very long, or if you have, then you were most likely still grieving when you got together which isn't the most stable of beginnings. You're contradicting yourself about the other man now, are you still obsessing about your fling or are you completely over him and don't like him anymore? I do have mental health issues myself, and if I was with someone who also had problems I'd be trying to support them - if I was the root of them, I'd be giving us both some time.

Still stand by what I said about being by yourself for a while

i am helping him! I’m here for him to talk to when he needs to but because I have issues too am I the greatest person to be talking them through with?! He’s self harmed and yes thank you I know it’s my fault but I’m not a doctor I cannot prescribe medication and I’m not a councillor!!! I can only offer advice to him that I’ve been given to help me. Is it wrong that I’ve helped him find help more relevant to him I’d say that was being supportive in my opinion. But thanks for your input.

I do not want to get with the OM no my post was unclear. I don’t want to be with him I’m just struggling to get past it.