I Cheated… Cant forgive myself

[Jenny221]

So my heading says it all.
Almost a year ago I cheated on my husband. I met the man during work and he could not leave me alone I did enjoy the attention as my husband is really a sexual nor emotional person. We were having some issues in our marriage days would go by without us even talking to each other he was always at work and when he got home he would fall asleep on the couch. I kept myself busy with work and our children but I felt incredibly lonely and lost not just with my marriage but with myself.

Turns out he was always giving me the attention because he and his girlfriend were in an open relationship. Me and the girl started talking and ofcorce things escalated the 3 of us participated in a sexual relationship. It just happened once and I was fine with it as I did however say that it was not my thing and I would not do it again. We stayed friends and her boyfriend still tried to get me to do it again but this time just with him.
So during this time I found out I was pregnant. (not the other man’s we did not have sex the first time) I then later had a miscarriage my husband took me to the doctor and it was confirmed a miscarriage he dropped me off at home and left for work. I was broken I hated him for doing that. I continued talking to the guy and we eventually had sex two times. I was still friends with his girlfriend and we became really close. We needed to move to another town after and I still kept in touch with them.

One day we started texting again and he told his girlfriend had started to develop feelings for someone else. I don’t know why I did this but I sent him a picture of myself and said hope you feel better and that he should go and win her back. He took the opportunity to completely blow up our conversation and he sent it to her.
She called me telling me about how messed up I am and all that. I did feel completely horrible a sorry excuse of a wife and mother and I deserved every word she said to me. She even threatened to tell my husband. Nothing has come out and I pray constantly that it never will. Things have gotten so much better in our marriage. I have devoted myself to him completely again and I am trying to be the best wife since I made my mistake.
Now my question is how do I live with this guilt! Do I tell him just to make myself feel better putting the pain and guilt I have onto him which is completely selfish or do I keep it a secret and just hope and pray that he will never find out?
The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt him I hate myself for doing it!

You owe it to your poor DH to tell him the truth about you.
Then it's up to him what he decides to do.
He may choose to stay with a cheat which many people do and to work on your relationship or he may choose to not want to be with you.
But it should be his choice.

I would also suggest counselling for yourself.

That’s the thing with cheating on someone else - it may seem fun and harmless at the time, but the karma you always end up getting is that you either have to live with the overwhelming guilt and paranoia that your partner might find out one day, or you have to tell them and risk them hating you forever.
If the shoe was on the other foot and your OH was having 3sums and sleeping with another woman he’d grown close to, would you want to know or would you rather be completely oblivious? I know which i’d rather

my husband is not sexual or romantic. he always works. he would fall asleep on the sofa. I felt lonely.... it's all about you. stop blaming your husband for you affair and take responsibility. you either work on a marriage or end it. don't use him as an excuse for your behaviour as an affair was not the only option. as for being selfish telling him... pull the other one. your behaviour is appalling but your justification, excuses and claiming that telling him would be selfish of you are just laughable. stop pretending to be a martyr. tell him and face the consequences or don't and always be afraid of what's around the corner but don't pretend your doing your husband any favours

Agree with PPs that you should tell him. He has a right to know and he can decide what he wants. Stop blaming him too, this is all on you. Lots of people have issues in their marriages and they don’t all rush off to have threesomes, so take responsibility for your actions.

You will never have forgiveness or peace until you tell the truth and work on your marriage.

There have been lots of similar stories to yours and my advice goes against the MN consensus: tell him nothing. There's a huge difference between what you should theoretically do and the real-life reality. You will destroy your life and his and for what?
And if you're serious about your marriage don't do it again.

OP, what's done is done, there is no point in continuing to beat yourself up about it. Surely if it was going to come out it would have done so by now?

Personally, I'd try and forget about it unless you feel like you're living with the sword of Damocles above your head and it's making you feel worse than telling him.

Do whatever will make you feel best, and don't keep beating yourself up. There's no reward for guilt.

1. You say your husband is not a sexual person. Yet you had a miscarriage after you engaged in a threesome and your husband was the father. There's a contradiction there, isn't there?

2. Did you use protection with this other man? If not, the you absolutely must tell your husband in case you have unknowingly given him an STI.

There are always people who say you should keep quiet and live with the guilt. Thing is, that is basically taking the choice away from the person who has not broken their wedding vows. They believe their wife or husband or partner to be X. They are entitled to know that they are Y and chose what to do with THEIR life, just as the cheater decided what to do with their life by fucking someone else.

Often the person with the guilt keeps quiet but their behaviour is such that their partner realises there is a problem anyway. In my experience, if the affair comes to light via someone else, the marriage always breaks up; if the guilty party comes clean of their own volition, they may get through it after a lot of shouting, talking, more shouting, perhaps some time apart.

Say nothing and live with your punishment. You will essentially cause him dreadful emotional pain if you tell him.

People saying you made excuses well not really she is just explaining why she went elsewhere to get her needs met.

Live with the pain and it will fade

@ShatnersWig

Number 1 is the standard MN cheat slip up

OP, if you're missing intimacy so much that you're prepared to cheat on DH, then I think you need to seriously think about the future of your relationship. Is this how you want to live the rest of your adult life - constantly on your best behaviour because you cheated on him, whilst still not getting your own needs met? That doesn't sound like a healthy loving relationship to me.

Don't tell him.

Do not tell your husband
It is your cross to bear - dont make it his as well. Work on yourself and why you did this and hopefully this will never happen again.
However if he ever asks directly or finds out please come clean.

Oh my god, do not tell your husband! Selfish and short sighted.

Guilt is a completely made up emotion invented by humans to give themselves permission to wallow in their poor choices. If guilt was real then fewer people would do wrongs.

There's a lot that went on in your story. A lot of hurt. On both sides. You were unfaithful and you do need to carry that guilt now. You need to shoulder it, and learn from it. Do not tell your husband to drag him and your marriage back down. And certainly not to unburden yourself.

There are other things you can ask yourself though. What made you contact the other man behind his girlfriend's back? What have you done since to change yourself to make sure you don't do that again? What happened in your marriage for it to disintegrate to the point that it did? How can you make sure it never happens again?

What has happened has happened. Move forward and grow as a person and as a couple.