URGENT HELP RE NEW RELATIONSHIP and children please as what to do

[tobias123]

As I write this message I am crying and very upset.

To cut a long story short I have been in a abusive relationship for yeras. I have been with man for years and although do not actually live togther my daughters have treated him as a father faigure. He can be lovely but also very agreesive with shouting and also gives me no respect at all and recently hs made me feel so little.

Okay I have met a neighbour and have been going round to see him for the past few months, it started off as a friendship but now I have strong feelings for him and think I love him to be honest. My daughters have been horrible to my new mans son who is 8, they have said nasty things. My ex keeps sending me flowers, buying the girls things sending me cards etc... My youngest daughter is finding it very hard indeed- she is 14 the older one is 16.

This is the email that the man has sent me tonight.... please let me know what I should do. I am the sort of mother that is kept shut away, never goes out

Hello sweetheart, no you havent done anything wrong. I was a bit taken back by what the girls said in front of ryan about how if you sent the flowers back that hollie would do something to herself and emily would never speak to you again. Also that they dont want you to be with me in a relationship.I must admit that those words have really hurt me and the last thing i want is for them not to be happy. I dont know how you feel about things but with the flowers and him telling you he loves you all the time, i cant see ryan getting hurt. I really want things to happen between us and even though what i have just said it doesnt mean that im wanting to end it. You have made me really happy and i enjoy being with you and treasure your company. God this is a serious e.mail lol and yes i am laughing but as you know i have been hurt to many times in the past and just dont want it to happen again. Finally can i just say that i dont want our relationship to end as you have made me so happy as of lately and i love being with you. Look for ward to hearing what you have to say and if we can work round these problems with the kids. Lots of love and kisses John xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

i dont understand...are you still in a relationship with the abusive man?is he not the father of your children?if not,why are you with him?

Poor you, it must be awful to have been in an abusive relationship and so brave of you to of ended it.

I would just throw all the things he sends you & the girls in the bin, i would change your email address so you can't be contacted that way. I would guess he is after a reaction from you by sending the flowers etc, i would just ignore him.

Maybe you could get some tips from an organisation that deals with victims of abusive partners?

so if i get this correctly, you've ended it with the abusive ex but he won't stay away and your teenage girls seem to want you to get back with him.

you've got the chance of a relationship with another guy who has an 8yr old son but is concerned about how your daughters are relating to him.

tricky. do your girls know about the ex being abusive? is he their father?

either way, do you want them to grow up thinking his behaviour is normal and what they should expect in their future relationships?

the new guy sounds very caring and thoughtful and protective of his sone. i can't tell just from that email but he sounds like a better example for your daughters than your ex does.

really really tricky but i think you have to have a serious talk with your girls. explain as much as you feel you can about the ex and tell them how happy this new guy could make you.

they're scared of change, if they're aware of the abuse from your ex they may even be stuck in a "better the devil you know" feeling. they don't know that there are better more caring less abusive men out there.

it's difficult to comment with only the info you've shared. you deserve some happiness and your girls will benefit more from that than anything else.

bring the girls into the situation by being as honest as is appropriate and stick with it. change is scary for teens.

really hope you can work things out.

when I say abusive he lloses his temper, gives me no respect, shouts etc but he can be lovely and has been agood father figure. The girls father left when they were tiny.

Yes the girls just want him back but think forget the times when shouting and swearing and saying they want him out.

Yes I have finished the relationship with the man and started a new one with this other man. They ahve not seen us kiss or anything as yet but the mans son has.
The other mans son has no mother as died when he was three. The father does his best that he can. He just wants my girls to be happy.

okay in a bit of a rush but here's what i'd do.

put new man on a bit of a backburner for now.

concentrate on your girls and build a closer relationship with them. help them to get thru the departure of the ex. spend some time reassuring them that just because he's gone you won't be going and nor will you be jumping straight into something serious with new man - even if that wasn't your intention anyway.

when they are happier and more secure then, hopefully, they will understand why the ex has left and not feel threatened by the prospect of a new chap.

i think this situation just needs some patience and time invested into it to make it work.

good luck, really hope things work out. your girls will get to a point where they understand that you have a right to be happy and secure as do they.