Can I get out

[Trappedandstuck2018]

I have been thinking of leaving my husband for a while,he is emotionally and financially abusive and I've finally had enough!!!
But financially I can't see how it will work,I have no family and friends to help with childcare,live rurally so no breakfast club and after school clubs, making full time work very difficult.
Also we live in an expensive part of the country,if we sold our house it wouldn't stretch to 2, even very small properties.
I can't rent, because I can't claim benefits while I own a property, I just can't see a way out!!!

Who told you that you can’t claim benefits when you own a property?

Are you in the UK?.

Who did tell you that you cannot claim benefits when you own a property; get proper advice instead and do not rely on your H or mere supposition. Presumably it was his idea in the main to live rurally; that was part of his further plan in abusing your to isolate you socially as well.

There is always a way out and you need to be safe and plan your way out of this. Do not keep on showing your children that this sort of relationship could become their norm too.

UK based organisations like Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and the Rights of Women are well worth contacting in your particular circumstances and they can and will help you leave safely.

I went to the local citizens advice ,they said I could claim housing benefits for 6 months,but only if the house was on the market,and possibly for another 6 months after that as long as I could prove I was trying to sell,But I'm going to be in no position to buy anything else in 6 months time or even 12 months time,even if I went back to work full time.
Usually story he has a very good job,I have supported that by taking care of our children,but even he would struggle to buy something else,It's very unusual round here to buy property with one income unless your a very high earner or have inheritance,help from family.
It's also complicated with by the fact,he works at a high level with in a benefits department,so it makes it difficult for me.
He wants 50/50 childcare,so wouldn't pay maintenance,I wouldn't need childcare (there isn't any!!) So I wouldn't get much in the way of tax credits.
I'm not trying to come up with problems,I'm trying to see if there is something I've missed,I've been on entitled.com to work out what I could get and it just doesn't add up.
I'd finally got my head in a good place to start the process of getting my ducks in row and leaving and now I can't see that I can.

Yes Attilla it was his idea,he has family support here and a network. He has always refused to move closer to my family ,who are about 7 hours away by car on a good day!!!

You need to speak to people who will be able to advise you. Do you work? How old are your children?

Yes I work 3 days a week, my children are 5 and 8,I thought the CAB , would be able to help.
I have very little money and I'm in a fair amount of debt, having to buy or pay for things he doesn't like/want or need,not firvoulous things, but things that he doesn't see as necessary. So I can't afford a solicitor.
Thank you everyone for their help,It makes me feel less alone.

Would you move to be near your family and get their support?

I would, but as much as him and I don't get on,I couldn't deprive my children of the chance to have a relationship with their Dad,they have a good relationship with their Dad and his family,It would be hard to take them away from that.

Make it your priority to pay down as much debt as you can whilst in the marriage. Even if you can't leave right now, get yourself in position.

You should save copies of all paperwork (financial/ID) somewhere they can't be found.

Open a new bank account and keep it private.

Start saving cash and keep it aside. You will need access to money in the immediate aftermath of a split.

Put all benefits for the children in to your own account now. If possible. And reduce any outgoings you have (find cheaper utilities/mobiles etc) and start keeping those savings. Slowly build a fund.

Get some free legal advice. Increase your hours. Consider re-training. Keep a diary of any abuse you suffer as a result of your husband. Tell friends or family you trust, but only if you trust them.

Even if you can't leave now, get yourself in a good position.

If your DH refuses to pay for things for your child together then you shame him in to it. You tell anyone and everyone that 'he leaves you without or the child without'. You have to be really hard faced about it and not react when he tantrums.

Do not get further in to debt because of him. You want to leave him.

If he is violent then have him thrown out. All these things are possible but you have to be brave and have conviction.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

He is financially responsible for his children; do not let him off paying maintenance. I would also keep your children well away from him and his rotten family of origin in the long term as well; they do not need to be subjected to his emotional manipulations. He will continue to be obstructive after you have managed to separate from him as well. I would personally leave this whole area behind and return to the area where your family live.

He has probably also cited 50/50 childcare as a further way of punishing you; many abusive men really do have no real long term interest in the kids and use them as weapons against the mother. I also doubt whether he would receive anything like this but again you need legal advice on such matters.

You need a Solicitor and one who is well versed in dealing with manipulative men. Do call some in your area, the whole costs thing can be sorted out later. DO not let costs stop you from leaving this man.

CAB were not of much use here and importantly they were not likely made aware of the abuse within your relationship. They may well have advised you differently otherwise.

Do call Womens Aid and contact your local domestic violence charitable organisation.

I’ve been in this situation OP. I’m still here. I also got told by CAB I couldn’t claim while I own a house. Then if the house is sold and I get equity I’d have to mostly expire that until I could get benefits, effectively ensuring I’ll never own a property again.
I went to women’s aid who told me that they could get me a room but they couldn’t tell me where I’d end up and the lady there actually said to me I would find it very difficult. I would also end up with 50:50 care and you don’t get maintenance for that. Some men would rather the dc suffer than pay for them unfortunately. My dc does not go without unless I am not agreeing to the financial abuse so here i am.
I’ve now started to put money aside whenever I can and hoping to have a stash to get away one day. Sorry you’re going through this.

OP and desertsnowman:

Is there enough evidence for a non mol order in either case, or an occupation order? If so you could go to a refuge and claim housing benefit while the order was considered and served, then go back home when it was safe. Would it not be possible to get solicitors to ensure a decent portion of the equity under Schedule 1 of the children's act to enable you to afford to buy sooner?

It's so frustrating, before universal credit capital was not taken into account with working tax credits/ child tax credits etc.

Now women are trapped even more, especially with refuges being closed. And you can't get a place in a refuge without housing benefit.