Dilemma - perspectives needed please

[Sicktiredworried]

Hi, I’ve not posted before so forgive me if I’m unfamiliar with mumsnet etiquette.

I’ve been with my partner for 16 years (I’m 32). We don’t have children. Children are the biggest, probably only thing I really want in life - I have waited longer than I would have in order to have better financial stability and have a good work/life balance. I’m actually regretting that now and wish I’d just gone for it years ago as it’s my biggest priority. But I am where I am.
Having achieved a better financial position (we’re in no way rich but we are secure), it is the ideal time to start a family.
The problem being that the relationship is breaking down. I’m so unhappy. It has been poor for some time for various long-winded and miserable reasons that I won’t go into (very specific circumstances that would put me). Recently though, when circumstances mean things ‘should’ be getting better, it feels like it has dragged me right down, self esteem is low, I’m lonely - I’m just really sad and it’s because of my relationship.

Do I make the most of it, try to make it work (bearing in mind I am the one who has been doing all the trying - partner doesn’t seem bothered), hope things improve, and make my family? I do love him deeply.

Or do I end it, look for a new (hopefully) happier relationship, but risk not being able to have children when that new relationship is ready? Is my age as much of a factor as I feel like it is?

Any and all perspectives are welcome. Thanks for getting to the end of my mind dump.

Leave
Leave now
Having children is hugely stressful, please don’t bring kids into this.
You still have loads of time, although I know you don’t think so.

Good luck 💐

I would personally end the relationship pronto and hopefully try and meet someone much nicer. My mum had me at 38 and my aunty had my cousin at 42. You still have time. Having a child with someone
Who makes you feel sad and lonely is a recipe for disaster

Make plans to leave him asap and do not bring children into this dysfunctional mess.

The worse thing in life is not to be alone but to be with someone who makes you feel alone as he does. Do not keep on flogging the dead horse here by spending more time trying to make it work (read up on the sunken costs fallacy in relationships); this is really over bar the shouting.

You met this person when you were very young yourself and have also likely outgrown him. Being with this man stops you from meeting someone else.

End the relationship.

But in your situation I'd be looking at having children without bothering with a relationship. Plenty of single mums manage just fine.

Your age now is not the issue at all. Of more relevance is the age you were when you met.
There is some kind of ideal portrayed about childhood sweethearts growing old together but in my experience it rarely works out. People simply grow apart.

At 32, solvent and no children, you'll have to beat them off with a stick.
You do have choices here.

ATB.

Leave.
Date. A lot. And fairly ruthlessly (don't take on a 'project' boyfriend!)
And start saving up in case you decide to go for a non traditional way of making a family (they usually work out more expensive - if you decide to go it alone with doner sperm, there's no second income. If you adopt even with a partner, you might need to take more time off work than with a birth child / cut your hours more long term to support your children).
Enjoy!

If you left him now and spent the next 5 years finding the right person you could still potentially end up being a mum of 2 kids before you turn 40. Don’t stay with him because you’re afraid you might not meet someone else. Even if you didn’t find someone else to settle down with then you could get a donor if you had the funds

As everyone else has said, I would end the relationship now. Take a bit of time out to rebalance yourself, then start dating. Focus on finding the right sort of person for you - not just a potential sperm donor! You have plenty of time. My DSis gave birth at 41.

OP: I was with my ex for 21 years from the age of 17. I left him at 38, with two young boys. Whilst I don't regret having children with him as I wouldn't change my boys for all the tea in China I do have regrets I didn't have children with someone who really wanted me to be the mother of his children (he was never that bothered about kids) and in a relationship that although was happy at times wasn't what I imagined it would be like. I regret I didn't have children with a man who adored me (even though he said he did). He didn't really support me when I was pregnant, or post partum. He didn't do one night waking until I returned to work after 14 months. He didn't change one nappy without being asked to etc. Whilst now he has stepped up, he wasn't the supportive partner I needed at the time.

I have a lot of sadness about that. You are young at 32, I know loads of women who had children in theit late 30's and early 40's. You deserve to be with someone who makes you truely happy. Having kids in a strained relationship is never easy, and makes parenthood much harder if the relationship is not a solid one from the start. .

I loved my ex very much, but our relationship was never easy.

Good luck OP.

Or actually, thinking about it, if having children is the 'main thing' as you said, why not just go it alone and use a sperm bank?

Leave today. Get yourself to a fertility clinic for testing and think about freezing some eggs as security. If you know you want kids then do everything you can to achieve that goal. Having kids is the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. Wish I’d had more. Don’t let this lack lustre man cheat you out of it. So get yourself checked for any fertility issues so you know where you stand. Get eggs frozen then give yourself 5 years of intense dating to find the right partner. When you’re 38 if you haven’t found someone, go it alone with the eggs you’ve got. Be honest when dating. Say I’m looking for a life partner who wants to have a family. No time wasters. I know plenty of women who have done this and have met married and had kids within a couple of years. Time is still on your side but only if you get out now

Leave.

Good answer cawfee.

No it's not worth it

End it. You've got plenty of time :)

I think you already know the answer, OP. You have plenty of time ahead to have a child and you can look to freeze eggs as a PP has suggested. I hope you find some clarity soon and the strength to do what's best for you.

Definitely get out now, you are still young enough to meet someone and start a family. Although I agree with pp about considering other routes into parenthood if it’s your main aim, you could get started straight away.

You do have plenty of time.
My friend had her donor baby at age 39.
But if you do want kids then get out sooner rather than later so you have more of a chance to 'start again'

Thank you, everyone. It’s so good to get outside views. I do have some soul searching to do. I am considering the sperm donor option, it’s certainly not the way I’d choose to do it, but as a last resort it is certainly not off the table.