Husband wants me to cut ties with my brother who has done time(prison) and used to be a heroin addict.

[JK123]

Ever since the birth of our DD (now 1 yr), my husband doesn't trust anyone and thinks everyone is out to abuse our baby. My brother has been to prison (petty crime) and used to be a drug addict but is no longer. Has been clean for about 2 years now. We were visiting my parents yesterday and my brother happened to be there. My husband couldn't wait to get out of there and then forced me to ring my parents teling them that we would never go over to their place if my brother was there because we don't trust him. My parents are extremey upset. I'm upset. I know my brother isn't taking drugs - he doesn't have a relationship with my husband so that doesn't help matters. My husband just will not let it go that he has been to prison and thinks my brother will end up harming our baby. If I thought my brother was a danger I would never let my daughter anywhere near him. When we got home, we had a terrible argument about this, to the point that he said he wanted a divorce. Right now, divorce would be the best thing for me. I really hate my husband at the moment...am miserable. We are not talking...I didn't cook him any dinner and I just can't stand him. He think every man/woman is a danger to his daughter and its doing my head in!!! Please give me some advice.

Is couples counselling an option? He does sound a bit ... overwrought? about this, but suggesting that he needs counselling on the subject probably wouldn't go down that well.

Fact is, this is your brother! And it's not like you're leaving your DD with him! You just saw him at your parents' house!

At 2 years clean he is no longer an active drug addict and people change a huge amount when they clean up. My brother has spent a fair amount of time in prison for various petty crimes and it wouldn't occur to me that he would harm ds. I think your husband is projecting a fear he has onto your brother, as he doesn't seem to have a basis in reality for his feelings. Do you know why he so fearful for your dd's safety? Is he generally insecure?

it sounds like he hasn't come to terms with your dd's birth properly yet. could he be feeling inadequate fathering-wise?

it sounds like your dh needs some sort of proffeaional help.its normal to be protective but he seems to be taking it to extremes.

its not fais that your brother should be denied a relationship with his sister and neice,espaecially when hes trying hard to turn his life around(and doing a good job of it,by the sound of things).

My brother for someone who is 32 years old lives off my mum and dad. At the moment has no job and is spoilt rotten. When we have gone over to see my parents he won't even come downstairs and say hello to us. My husband on the other hand is to be honest a responsible man, brought up well and I think just can't stand the way my brother is. My brother is careless but not an abuser. The reason for my husband's insecurity? I think it could be the fact that his sisters accused their father of sexual abuse. Nothing was ever done about it. Thanks so far for the advice.

Sounds like your husband doesn't like your brother, first and foremost?

I think elements of this sound a bit worrying. I don't like that he 'forced' you to phone your folks, and I don't like the implications of him 'seeing' abuse everywhere. Can you seek counselling yourself, if he won't go with you? Is there a health professional (GP?) you could talk to for advice?

Hmmm.

Does your husband think that his father abused his sisters?

Does your husband (maybe) fear that he might do the same?

The combination of his family history, and his strong paranoia about abuse would worry me more than a bit. It certainly can't be good for your DD to be raised in an environment in which everyone is thought to be a pedophile.

(I can see why he might find your brother annoying or strange. But asking that you stop speaking to him because of this is a bit OTT.)

Blimey, the stuff my DP has put up with from my brother (stemming from alcohol dependency, mental illness, and an occasionally aggressive nature)... he'd never ask me to cease contact.

NotQuiteCockney - yes my husband thinks that his father abused his sisters. I never thought that he might perhpas think that he might himself do the same. And yes, I don't want my daughter raised in an environment where he thinks everyone is a paedo.

Surely people always worry about turning into their parents, partiularly their same-gendered one?

I assume you're no longer in contact with his father?

I wonder if, in the context of his sisters' (likely) abuse, you might be able to talk him into getting some counselling?

Alternatively, if you go for couples counselling, the counsellor might suggest some solo counselling for him, on this subject?

I know you say he was 'brought up well', but surely being raised in a house in which children are being sexually abused is not being brought up well.

NotQuiteCockney - when I say husband was brought up well, I mean in terms of education. He is decent guy despite his paranoia and certainly has more good points than bad ones. He's not the jealous or possessive type. But I suppose thinking about it now, all of his sisters are divorced, which I'm certain has be related to their father. Their upbringing was a strict one and I know my husband did not really have a relationship with his father. Yes father passed away some years ago. I've just been looking at the relate web site and I think the time has come for us to both attend and then perhaps he needs to go on his own. I just can't be with him anymore if he continues to behave like this. Me and my daughter are better off without him.

I figured you meant manners etc. It sounds like he has some very good qualities, but he really does need to sort his feelings out. It's hard, raising kids when you know you don't want to repeat the mistakes your parents made, even when those mistakes are relatively small (a bit of smacking, or shouting). When the mistakes are big ones, you find yourself entirely without a clue how to go about parenting, imo.

NotQuiteCockney - yes husband has some good points. He's ever so good with the DD - changes her nappy, feeds her, etc and cetainly pulls his weight around the house. I'll probably speak to him in a day or 2.

It sounds like he does need some counselling. His reaction is out of all proportion, and his behaviour towards you is too controlling: these are not things that get better without intervention. Obviously the poor man has suffered in the past, but that doesn;'t give him the right to pass the suffering on to you or your children.

How are you today JK123? My brother has become violent as a result of an abusive family. It sounds as though your bro really wants to stay clean and is taking responsibility for his life, which is fantastic. It may bring up all sorts of issues and insecurities for your husband - it's quite hard leading a normal life when horrible things have happened to you, but there is a lot of help available. I do hope he can find some. I have been reading the Womensaid website, but that's pretty much about DV and its effects rather than sexual abuse. I expect there are similarities. There's a link on it to an organisation called Respect, which is for men. I haven't looked at it properly, but it may have something helpful.

I apologise in advance if I'm way off beam. I'm still slightly reeling from how horrible things can be behind closed doors! I do hope you can resolve things and start to feel better.

Hi Jk,

Not sure if my post will help you or not but i hope it does perhaps give you some insight into how your dh may feel.
My bil (dh's brother) has been in and out of prison for various reasons. Violence and drugs being the main things. He has acted in strange ways towards our dd and i will not let him spend time with her as i think his behaviour is erratic and cos of the drugs he is unpredictable. My dh does feel this is unfair but he also realises that his behaviour does scare our dd and she must have priority over a grown man.
I have not said that my dh cannot see his own brother, nor would i. That is unfair. It is his brother at the end of the day. I have however said that our dd is not allowed to spend time with her uncle without me or both of us being there. (the reason for this is that other members of dh's family do not watch our dd and also bil scares her and she probably wants her mum around if she gets scared by his erratic behaviour - ie tipping her pram up) Obviously my scenario is different as my bil does have violence in his history and does not show any remorse for his behaviour.

I believe your dh needs to take stock of the situation - we all make mistakes and your bro seems to be proving that he has learnt from past errors and maybe just needs a chance to prove it. There doesnt seem to be a chance that your bro will hurt your dd. Why would he? Please talk to your dh - i think he thinks he has to protect his dd (and of course he does as do i with my dd) but there needs to be an inroad for the sake of you all.
It's really not worth the upset.