Realities of splitting up.

[NickyNora]

Been with so almost 19 years. We should have parted 3-4 years ago but both too scared. There's nothing left & do told me ladt Friday he will be moving out after the family holiday. (I won't be going).

We have 4 dc. 2 with ASD & ADHD. I am very worried about how I will cope on my own.

I don't have family or close friends locally.

I am worried about money.

I am worried about when stuff breaks down etc

I am sure it will be really difficult. But i can't continue as i am. I don't love do, I don't even like him. I can't wait not to have to see him every day

What did others find the hardest when they split with a long term partner?

There are loads of benefits.

Practicing self love. Clean sheets, pyjamas, candles, really change around your room, hair cut.

Tackle each obstacle as they come. Isolation is a problem, so look for ways to include other adults who are POSITIVE into your life. Get lots of movement in- I think you will actually find things are tidier. I also found listening to meditations at night really relaxing and distracting.

Make some plans about how to bring more money into your life... that's a big one. Do lots of stuff together as a family, to heal you. It's the summer, so visit parks, walks, pic nics, to bring a new environment into your lives....

Have you got advice on your SO's child payments etc?

SO?

Do will give me as little as possible!

Lovely ideas regarding getting out & working but not possible due to dc with ASD & ADHD. Dc9 only attends school 4 hours a day.

Excuse my typos I'm very tired.

Who have you got to help you? I think you need some moral support. It's time to recreate, it's rally hard for a while if you chose it to be. I did and it was really unhealthy. There are fb groups such as The Break up project, which have some helpful tips.

See any changes to your benefit entitlement and the citizens advice for legal help with money from SO. Has he been much of a help up to this point with the kids?

Can you move to somewhere better. Complete change. Cheaper? Or really bad idea.

Sorry what is SO?

No I can't move my LEA find both my ds schools. If we move to a diffetent LEA, it's very likely the dc will lose their funding & specialised school places are incredibly difficult to get.

I will be entitled to benefits as I'm the dcs Carer. They both recieve DLA.

Dp is my only source of help. He does very little with the dc but at least it means when he's home I can't take my dds out or go shopping.

The ds do have Personal Budgets. Literally taken 2 years to organise & finally started last month so at least I can pay Carers now.

Thanks for responding. I think my reality is quite different to most, as having dc with SN totally changes everything. I don't have the same choices or stresses as other mothers.

I'm worried I will split up with dp, won't be able to cope & quite literally fall apart.

As someone else said isolation is the most hardest thing I had to deal with, I had no family around, friends disappeared, it wasn't so much I missed him more I realized I was really now on my own, just getting the WiFi on, the Tv for the kids, the weekends when he had them. I felt so alone and that is part why I went back. I'm not ashamed to say I really struggled, but I'm slowly trying to build my life, friends ,job etc so of I leave again I will be in a better position, don't underestimate being prepared for leaving, its vital X good luck OP x

SO means Significant Other. A better acronym might be STBX or Soon-To-Be-Ex. Do you have any idea what kind of maintenance he will be obliged to pay? If he's an ex-partner, not ex-husband, will you be entitled to any asset split?

Will your STBX take the children for weekends / a weeknight so that you get a break then?

You are justified in your worries op but I don't think you will surprise yourself.
My circumstances are very different to yours, but I was isolated before my Dh left. I was happy he when after I had got over the dhock, and have started making small changes to my life that bring me a lot of happiness.
I think mountain is absolutely correct about finding a new support network, can you connect any local parents groups or charities to get yourself started?
Use the carers to provide you with proper respite, and the chance to have fun with your other dcs.

Sorry: you WILL surprise yourself

@Babycow Thankyou. I can't imagine how hard it was to go back...

We split up for 2 months about 2 years ago. I took him back because i felt so guilty. He kept going on about money etc but now I know he has-£40k hidden in the bank do i don't feel at all guulty.
He did something else last year that changed my view of him forever.

I have been ill for 10 days with an infection in my eye (had an operation 2 weeks-ago). He hasn't even asked me if I'm ok. He went back to work on Friday without even discussing it with me. I couldn't drive or attend a school appointment but he didn't care. He's done sod all around the house. His lack of care is shocking, even by his standards.

I regularly daydream about him running of with someone so I wouldn't have to deal with him anymore!

I very much doubt he will have the dc for weekends. The ds won't go out with him. Dd is 17 so it will be mainly about our youngest who is 4. He only has 1-weekend a month off work.

Thankyou all for your replies.

I used to go to parent groups but they weren't my thing really. I probably should try them again though.

Dd4 starts school in September so I will make the most of that. I suppose I'm really on my own anyway & have been for years.
But at least I will have 5 hours.everyday to do stuff or go out. Visit my mum.

My house is rented from the council. All in my name. Everything is in my name. He didn't deal with any financial stuff.
I don't expect child maintenance to be very much, dp doesn't earn very much. Possibly £400 a month at the very most.