I'm not coping

[Whathappensnowthen]

I posted a month or so ago how me and my long-distance boyfriend were having a difference of opinion over his online 'flirting'. Things got worse and I eventually felt I had no choice but to end things.

Since then, a succession of things in my life have gone pear-shaped. He was always the person I turned to for support and I find that I am desperately missing that now. I have very few 'real-life' friends and I have no-one else I can really turn to.

I have also recently found out that my estranged husband has met someone and our 4 children have been spending happy weekends with the two of them. I actually don't see the point of anything any more. I have no friends, no partner, my children don't need me, I'm struggling just to keep a roof over our heads, I'm just taking up space really. I thought maybe I should see a doctor about depression or such like, but no pill will cure the agonising loneliness and silence in the house when the children are with my ex. How do I actually keep going? Is there even any point?

I'm so sorry OP.
You need to build your life. Hobbies? Things you look forward to? Things just for you?
You can't pin your happiness and wellbeing on any one person. Not totally.

If you're at the point where you think your kids dont need you then you absolutely need to see your GP OP.

You really do matter and you're needed. This stage in your life won't last forever and I know that's little comfort

Hi.
You'll make it through this, my friend. How long is it since the DC have been away at the weekend? I think it's normal to take at least a year to get used to an empty house.
I bet there are people on here without the trauma you have experienced who feel the same about the quiet house when their DC leave home for college.

Keep going, you will make it. You left him because it didn't work for you.

Thinking of you x

Reading what you wrote has struck a chord with me as im feeling the exact way you are, i left my ex after nearly 17 years and we too have 4 children he has them twice a week and hate that lonely feeling when they are away and i too think they would be better off living with him. Just feel like giving up as he makes out hes father off the year since i left, was actually thinking off going back to him for the kids sake but that is a depressing thought, just feel hes trying to grind me down because he has no control over me anymore.

I now love the time when DC are with their dad. It's on a regular basis and it's my me-time. My DC aren't that young and I know that they have adapted to the changes fairly well.

Rather than focus on loneliness, try focussing on the things you want to do. Change things in the house, start swimming, visit a library, do late night food shops, get out and see that other people are walking about alone.

Learning to be happy to be alone can take time, but can be really rewarding.

Hi What. I am reading a book at the moment which may interest you. It is very much evidence-based and has been a real eye opener for me mental health-wise. It’s called ‘Lost Connections’ and is by Johann Hari.

What you’re feeling sounds very understandable to me given the circumstances that you describe. I don’t know anything about you or your children but I would stake everything I own on the fact that they absolutely do need you now and will continue to into adulthood.

Although it’s probably the last thing you feel like doing, try and put yourself in positions where you interact with people in a positive way. Do you have any hobbies/is there something you fancy exploring learning how to do? Have you got any interests that you could volunteer with? Are there any sporting teams that you would consider joining (there’s usually every level from beginners upwards)?

I hope that I’m not being patronising in any way. It just very much sounds like you need to re-find your place in the world in your new circumstances. Everybody needs a purpose and to feel like they matter. Please be kind to yourself, the ground under your feet won’t always be so rocky x

Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm not being flippant or trying to be funny. Can I suggest you get a dog? I've never had one before, but I wouldn't be without her now. She's my best friend and loves me unconditionally. Follows me round the house, upstairs and downstairs, very good company. AND you can take a dog out for walks, get fresh air, exercise, talk to other dog walkers and get some chat going. A dog is always a reason to stop and talk, you'd be surprised! A dog makes you feel needed, wanted and valuable.

I just don't know where to start.
My husband refused to look after the children by himself in the early years, always insisting they had to be with me. So I had to turn down trips out with my friends, coffee dates etc. It was just too difficult taking 4 children under 6 anywhere by myself. So people stopped inviting me round. When I left my husband he refused to move out, so I have had to try to buy somewhere and get a mortgage by myself. The tax office are making life difficult re tax credits, as one advisor said, they'd never come across a single Mum of 4 working almost full time. I had to send 60+ pages of documents to prove I was supporting myself. I'm sure I can't be the only one. My husband pays little in child support and my boss makes my life difficult for being a Mum. I even had to use holiday when I was off ill because it was the children that had made me poorly, so apparently that didn't count as a proper illness. I am just fighting too many battles on too many fronts. I would love a hobby or an interest, but I don't have the time or money to actually do anything. I pay over £1k per month in childcare so that I can work, I can't afford a babysitter on top of that to go out in an evening. I've tried going out at weekends by myself, but I just... can't. I know I need to learn to be happy by myself, but right now, I don't feel like that will ever be possible.

What,
So, in summary:
You have turned your back on at least 2 relationships because you recognised that they weren’t working, you have (and continue to) raise 4 children more or less on your own, you are financially able to support yourself and your children and buy a roof to put over your heads, you’re battling a government agency and dealing with a boss who is an arse - not all heroes wear capes! Read that list and give yourself credit where it’s due and then some more credit.
With regards to building yourself up socially - start small (you must be shattered). Maybe find something to do for an hour or so at the weekends when the children aren’t at home. Just try to make sure that it involves other people. We all need to find our tribe. Community and connections are a very base need. Without support we can become hypervigilant which is exhausting both mentally and physically.

i agree with Puffer. when the children are away can you focus on your physical health? use that time to eat as healthy as possible (no snacks for example) and exercise a little (walking jogging etc).
not sure if church would interest you but it's a great way to meet others in the community without having to go each time (easy to go every second sunday)

You sound so tired, yet you are doing SO well. You are managing the workload of 4 children, pretty much single-handedly from the sounds of it!

You deserve to feel better. You deserve to be happy. Can you make a GP appointment asap to ask for help?

I'm sorry you're feeling so low. It must be really tough for you.

But as PP have said, you have proved that you're actually a really strong woman!

I think, though, now it's time to get tough as well as strong. Why is your husband paying little in child support? Do you mean you have no formal arrangement? If so, time to make sure that you get things formalised, and he pays what he should be. And read up on your rights at work in terms of parental leave etc, so you can deal with your boss properly. Or look for a job where they treat you better!

Have you checked out if there are any Mumsnetters who live near you? Look on the MN local pages to see - you could always try a meet up at a weekend you're free? I've met some lovely women through MN and even if they're people who aren't going to become your best bosom pals, it's still a chance to get to know people. You can continue/develop the relationship here, online, too which makes it easier if you can't get out a lot at other times.

You sound amazing

I take my hat off to you op. What a situation and somehow you have managed to keep body and soul together.

Please see GP and get on ADs. They aren't a magic bullet but you need a break from your very understandable feelings of desolation - so that you have just enough space to start building a life.

Once you are on them, come back here again and look at this thread and take the suggestions on board with fresh eyes.

But you must do what you can for now just to get some space in your head so that you can concentrate on yourself.

What were your pastimes when you were a child? Reading? Drawing? Sporty things? Try to remember the little girl you were. What did she like to do? What made her feel peaceful and absorbed in an activity?

What saved me was exercise and (sounds silly) drawing. I loved drawing as a child and hadn't done it in decades. I got on Instagram and followed loads of amateur/semi professional artists and started to copy little thing they did. Over time it became my hobby, it was something cheap and accessible and it gave me something to do.

Please get help from gp, and stay here with us on MN. We will take care of you until you can take care of yourself. Don't leave this world just yet. Your children love you op xxxx

Have you seen a solicitor? Make sure you are getting everything you are entitled to from your ex H. Why is he only pay so little? Have you applied to CMS? I’m going to PM you

I had some of this but only 2 DC's. I turned my focus to them and my job. It was hard. It was painful. They are in their 20s now. They are with me still and love me very much. They were 2 and 4 when the marriage broke up. They grew to learn where their real support was.
Take heart op DC's mature.

I agree that it would help to make sure ex pays all you are entitled to,sounds like you are drained and exhausted but try taking tiny steps.Cooking and gardening can be very rewarding,being outside is beneficial -try to make yourself go for a walk most days.Smile at people and start conversations.And your children most certainly do need you.

Is he paying everything he should do? Can you see a solicitor? You're doing so much, of course you're tired but you'll be ok