Worried about dd, please help.

[Deadringer]

I tried to name change but it didn't work so I will change a few details but I could really do with some advice. I will keep this as short as possible. Eldest DD has always been very with it, very independent, knows her own mind etc. She is in her late 20s and emigrated to the other side of the world about a year ago. She had lived there for a couple of years previously and loved it. She had a boyfriend there but they split up as she said he was hard work and could be controlling. They are still friends and she stayed with him when she emigrated until she got her own place. She has a job she enjoys and has just come back from a dream holiday with one of her friends. Anyway the ex messaged us this morning saying that he was worried about dds mental health, and has been for some time. He said he is afraid that she is going to hurt herself and he needs help to keep her safe. He has never contacted us before and we have never met him. Obviously we were shocked and upset but we kept calm and messaged her asking if she would like to Skype later. He must have told her he messaged us because we got an angry text from her saying that she wasn't going to Skype, she is busy today and he was telling lies in order to control her. She says that she is sick of him causing drama and she is going completely nc with him. She assured us that she is fine and she wants us to block him. She has never had mental health issues of any kind. I messaged her friend that was on holiday with her and she said that DD was fine, she had no concerns about her at all. We don't know what to do. Either the ex is nuts or DD is mentally ill, either scenario is very worrying. We don't have the means to go to her and she would be really upset if he is lying and we are taken in by him. We chatted back and forth today and she seemed normal. Any advice or opinions welcome.

So much for keeping it short, sorry.

Oh goodness, that sounds stressful. I suppose the best you can do for now is try to keep an eye on her as much as you can from so far away, increase your contact a bit perhaps.

I wonder if you there are any more of her friends that you could contact? In what way was the ex controlling, night this be an odd thing that he would do?

Chances are, he's stirring.

Just be vigilant and open to talk if she needs to.

If you're really worried maybe ask her friend to keep an eye out?

She's probably right though - it's bringing gaslighting up to a whole new level.

This does sound like he's trying to cause trouble, although as her parents obviously you will be worried.
Her friend said she's fine.
What were his reasons for saying this? Has he wit eased her hurting herself before? Has he heard her talk about it?

Trust your daughter.

Being dismissive towards and second guessing your daughter in favor of someone you have never met would irreparably damage your relationship with her. Then she probably wouldn’t reach out to you if she really did need help.

Thanks guys. Yes my instinct is that she is telling the truth. I just don't understand what he has to gain by making this up. He didn't give details, he said he is trying to stop her from hurting herself, he said he called an ambulance and the police yesterday but she managed to talk her way out of it. Nothing he said sounds like her at all. If I contact him and ask exactly what is going on she will never forgive me. She won't even discuss what he said, she just says that she is fine and she seems like her normal self. Imo she would be the last person on earth to hurt herself. Her friend lives here, they met up for the holiday. I don't know any of her friends over there. She is quite a private person and never talked about the ex much. I know he drove her crazy when she lived with him she was delighted to get her own place. I trust her but there is just that niggling fear that she might in trouble and keeping it from us. I will definitely keep communication lines open.

You say she broke up with him because he was controlling and "hard work".

Combined with his latest behaviour it smacks of coercive control.

It's not uncommon for abusers to go down the path of trying to convince their target that they are mentally ill, and to also try and make it look to others like they are. Some have managed to get their targets admitted to psychiatric hospitals.

It's a control tactic.

If he can get her to question her sanity then it makes it easier for him to manipulate her and get firmer control of her.

If he can get you involved and potentially convince you then it can drive a wedge between you and your daughter, which isolates her and gives him more control.

If he can convince the authorities that she's mentally ill then it will make it much harder for her to get anybody to believe her about anything he may choose to do to her.

I can understand why it would be worrying you, but coming from somebody she had already told you was controlling, I would be exercising great caution about believing anything he says on this subject.

I wouldn't want to stay in contact with him, but I would be keeping the lines of communication open with her and not pressuring, so she can come to you if she needs to. About anything. I'd actually be more concerned about what else he is doing to try and get control of her back and whether she needs support with that.

Thanks shiny. I feel a bit happier today, it was just such a bolt from the blue and I was worried that I was wrong in believing dd. It doesn't help that i have been following the corrie suicide story and everyone is saying oh yes it can be like that, they appear fine until it happens. I can't believe anyone would be so cruel as to make up something like that, i don't think she could ever be friends with him again now. I just hope he keeps the fuck away from her, their relationship broke up about two years ago for goodness sake. Anyway its been great being able to talk about it on here, i am trying to play it down with my dh as he has been suffering with depression himself, and i have no one irl that i can discuss it with. Thanks everyone for the advice and support, it's much appreciated.

When I was younger, I was with a guy who did something similar to this. He found out I was going to a house party, and whilst I was there contacted my mum to say I was off my face on drugs, he thought I’d been spiked, I was a mess & with a bunch of guys that I didn’t know & he was concerned.

He wasn’t even at the party, at that point I’d only just got there. My uncle turned up in his taxi & was expecting a scene.

No idea why he did it. But it was obviously to cause me stress & people around me stress.

I would listen to your daughter.