I'm an idiot

[risottoforone]

So it seems like I've finally succeeded in pushing my partner away for good.

I don't know why, he is such a good person and was great, funny, a committed father.

Before having kids I gave him an awful time, took him for granted and felt guilty but couldn't resolve it. I knew he was a catch though and didn't want to let him slip away. I finally settled down, we had a child, I thought he would stick by me forever. But I was wrong. He kept telling me how badly I treated him but I just thought it was emotional abuse and kept upping the ante, making boundaries, blaming him for my own ambivalence.

Now, two babies later we are separating and he doesn't love me anymore. I don't know how I will cope alone. He has always been there and I've let everyone down with my selfishness.

My poor children. I just feel so stupid and worthless.

It does sound like you’ve pushed him away and even more so when he told you how he felt. What’s done is done now unless you think there is a chance at fixing things. You haven’t let the kids down as I’m sure he will still be part of their life, or do you think he won’t? You will cope though, although that would also be my fear if alone. Plenty of people do though and you could be one of them. Not much practical advice though, sorry.

Take it all day at a time

Op, I’m so sorry you are having a hard time.
Do you know what’s behind your ambivalence? I used to push my partners away because I couldn’t trust. That was rooted in my unsettled childhood. Therapy REALLY helped, I used to be mildly unhinged now I’m stable and boring, but happy! And most important , I don’t push love away.
Does any of that make any sense to you?

I just feel like I'm going mad.

I don't know what's real anymore. Most of the time I am so certain that I'm better off on my own, but then I have these flashes of lucidity where I see that I have been so horrible to him, so selfish and I'm just the worst mother for doing this to my kids.

He is determined to hang onto the parental relationship. I still need him.
I don't think I will ever be worthy of anyone's love, or if I can even love at all.

My dad was an alcoholic and my mum left me alone most evenings and weekends after my parents divorced to be with her new man. I was so lonely. I know that doesn't entitle me to hurt people but it does make me a codependent coward.

So sorry to hear you are going through this. But pls don't beat yourself up, relationship are hard work! It's easy to blame ourselves when thing don't work out, but it's true what they say, it takes two to tango.

As for coping on your own, if he is that great he will still help out with the kids. There are some great websites that will help you come to an agreement on co-parenting. My partner used one he found through citizens advice which was very useful when he was trying to communicate with his very angry ex wife.

As for coping, I think you will surprise yourself. Us women are made of tough stuff. Give yourself a break, let the little stuff go, don't worry if the house is a mess. My mum always says as long as the bathroom and kitchen are clean the rest doesn't matter. Be a lazy parent now and then, Let the kids watch a film so you can have a rest. I gave my step kids some chalk and they entertained themselves for an hour in the garden at the weekend, my garden patio looks hilarious but I got a rest!! I always go on Pinterest to find idea to entertain them so I can rest.

Good luck and remember to be kind to yourself xx

Just read your next post about your mum and dad, that's really tough. I think you would really benefit from some counselling. You should talk to your doctor. I had some to get over a bereavement when I was suffering with depression and I truly believe I wouldn't still be here without it.

You are doing a great job looking after your kids, the fact you have been through all that as a child and still being a caring mum is proof you can get through this. Perhaps your partner will reconsider once you get some outside support.

Good luck xx

I’m very codependent and worry a lot about being alone etc. It’s caused a lot of arguments, not directly but as a result of how I am. I can vouch for counselling, I was getting it for something else but we touched on my issues with confidence etc. I’m much better now and feel I can cope better when need be.

It's probably for the best if it was bringing him down. Work on yourself and perhaps try counselling. Gone are the days men or women stay in a relation ship because of kids ...if they are being treated badly.