A bit pissed off with Dh’s comment when I asked him to help out in the morning before school.

[CocoDeMoll]

We’ve got a newborn as well as rec age dd so we’ve had a few competitive tiredness and weight pulling arguements already which is why I didn’t start another arguement now, especially as we’d had a nice evening.

So I was just getting stuff ready for school run tomorrow when I said to dh ‘any chance you can get up with me to help out before I take dd to school’? He doesn’t work Mondays so I didn’t think this was unreasonable. He laughed and said ‘but I wouldn’t really be much use would i’. I agreed and said that he wouldn’t because he gets up and sits outside drinking tea and smoking for about half and hour before he can engage with me and the kids. He agreed and didn’t try to argue against what I said because he knows it’s true. By this time I’ve done everything and if the baby’s crying I’ve sorted it before dh would be any use. So what’s the point in getting him up? Not sure why I’m posting this but just had to get it off my chest. What would you say in that situation without causing an arguement?

Dd will always want me to get up with her in the morning. She’s not stupid and knows she’ll have a nicer morning with me than her Dad. I’m a soft touch too so she knows she can get what she want (for breakfast, screen time etc) with me.

midnight I know I’m on repeat but he’s not this crap all day. He’ll entertain dd, bring her back from school sometimes, let me sleep a bit in the day. I’m trying to be as objective as I can be at a three am feed when I think any new Mum wants to kill their happily sleeping partner

His attitude is quite poor isn't it? Does he not think it's his responsibility to sort out the children in the morning?! Does he smoke in the house?

My dh does everything with our reception age dd every morning to get her ready for school. Literally everything. I am with ds who is 3 months feeding him and getting him ready for the day. He gets her dressed, makes her breakfast, does her hair, etc. Today is a day off for him (his first day off in 3 weeks as he’s worked flat down 7 days a week for the past few weeks as he’s self employed and it’s the busiest time of the year). He’s not only up doing whatever with her, he’s doing the school runs today too (because he misses getting to do them with me on mat leave now, we used to share them when I was working), and then spending his day coming with me to get my coil fitted, bless him (ds can’t come in with me). Ds is 3 months now but for the first 6 weeks, he did the morning school run himself (plus everything else in the mornings) so I could feed him.

I don’t know what I’d say to him because I’d be pretty pissed but I agree it’s ridiculous.

Your DHs attitude is poor but in the kindest possible way I think you are enabling him - saying that your DD only wants you in the morning etc. That may be true at the moment but now is the time that he needs to step up.

Surely every Monday you can stay in bed with the baby whilst he sorts DD and takes her to school.

Has he made any attempt to give up smoking? That's pretty poor in itself.

Well he's got you trained, hasn't he?

Behave like an asshole and she won't bother asking for help and will tiptoe around him, instead of him trying to stop being an asshole in the morning.

He's got no reason to want to change things, it gets him what he wants. And you're buying into him being grumpy as OK and not his issue to fix, but yours to manage.

With that comment he's saying 'I like things the way they are, let's keep it like this.'

Sounds like he uses words to confuse you out of the request. Just repeat and bring him back to what you're expecting.

Agree with NotAgainYoda. I wouldn't want a smoker around my kids at all, never mind a newborn. You both need to know that your baby's SIDS risk is significantly increased just from having a smoking parent, even if he sleeps in a different room. Then there's the issue of his addiction coming above pulling his weight in his family.

You'll have to be blunt with him. Men don't get hints. He needs to straighten his attitude out in the morning and get up and take care of his child in the morning. Tell him that. Show him one time step by step what needs to be done so he can't say he doesn't know how.

Of course he is better later in the day, after you've already completed all the grunt work.

Yes, and the smoking; does he have any desire to quit?

Your poor daughter knowing her father can’t be arsed to get her ready for school, or if he does he’ll be stroppy about it.

I’ve taken the advice to not give him a choice and plonked ds (baby) on the sofa bed with dh. Obviously woke dh first and he’s not working today either.

It’s left me free to actually sit and have a cup of tea whilst dd is eating breakfast.

Honestly I’d rather be snuggled in bed with my baby after a shit nights sleep but this is better than before.

About he smoking: I’m not happy with it and I’m aware of the risks. That’s why he’s in a separate bed at the moment and has never smoked in the house. It’s not up to me to try and make him stop. It doesn’t work that way.

He only acts useless so that he isn't required to do anything or be of any help. Bit like when they do housework badly so they won't be asked again. Make him pull his weight!

I don't really get why you agreed with him; just seems passive aggressive and pointless tbh.

He probably wouldn't be a lot of help if you are both there, no, as you will already be doing the stuff he could have done before he thinks of it. Have you ever tried "helping someone out" in the kitchen when they are cooking a meal that they do all the time and you don't know, and they start busily cooking away, so all you can do is hang about hoping they will give you an onion to chop?

It would be much simpler if you said "You can do the kids on Mondays then", then you stay in bed and ignore what he is doing. If your daughter is late for school, it will be his problem. You do not make him get up; you remind him to set an alarm the night before and stay in bed with your eyes shut until about 10 a.m. Don't tell him what to do; it's not rocket science. If your daughter goes to school in her pyjamas the first day, it's not going to kill her: if she doesn't like it tell her to complain to her dad, not you.

I’d come back and dh would be flustered saying he’d been crying hungry the whole time.
Can't you just say "Of course he's not hungry, I just fed him, try rocking him next time"? It takes practice getting used to looking after children on your own; I remember not knowing what to do at first, but the more you do it, the better you get at it. If he feels rubbish at it compared to you, he needs more practice, and fewer comments on him doing it wrong or being useless.

To be honest, a lot of household chores and family things are easier when one person is solidly in charge and can crack on with it, so I'm also in the "get him to do certain days" camp. Most households will divide up the chores so even if you get DD ready every morning for school, he might always be the one to pick her up from afterschool clubs, or some similar division of labour. If not, maybe you need to find some such jobs for him to own.

he gets up and sits outside drinking tea and smoking for about half and hour before he can engage with me and the kids

This is why I set my alarm for a bit earlier than the rest of the family gets up. I like my cup of coffee and peace and quiet before I have to jump into the school run and going to work.

Didn't realise that I could just say "Sorry, I'll not be much use, good luck though!"

He laughed at you? Because you asked him to parent?

Fucking hell OP, why do you put up with it?

I’ve been floored the last 3 days with some kind of vicious infection and DP has done everything, and gone to work. When he doesn’t have to leave until after the bairns go to school/nursery we do the mornings together.

I cannot wrap my head around being with someone that fucking self centred and immature.

I'm glad you got your cup of tea. It seems he's only useless because he can be useless, plonking the baby on his was a good move, definitely do more of that.

I'm not sure what you want us all to say, yes he's a useless git but you enable him to be one, so...?

He smokes weed too, doesn't he?

I think certain mornings being in charge sounds sensible. I can see how he might feel a bit useless when I’m in my school morning mode! I hate that I’m passive aggressive sometimes and it obviously a trait that comes out when I’m stressed or tired. I Couldn’t help myself to make a comment when he came in from a morning fag to find me having a shower and dd trying to comfort screaming ds. He said that it was so sweet that dd was rocking him in his chair to stop him crying and I just muttered a load of passive aggressive ‘someone’s got to’ stuff instead of being constructive .

raven and barbara I agree with both your comments.

queen yes, but I don’t see how that’s relevant to the issue. He going out in the morning to have a fag not a spliff!

I don’t think you should be putting baby next to him in bed as he is a smoker.

That was first thing in the morning. He’d last of smoked about midnight. I thing that’s ok fume wise. He’s in a different room altogether whilst I’m co sleeping.

I agree he has trained you not to expect help from him.

If talking frankly doesn't get a response and I suspect it won't, then I think counter training, eg, going away for 48 hours so he can bond with the baby better and get used to meeting their needs.... shoud be on the cards. It will be torture for you. Not a break but good training for him.