Mental health and relationships

[Lozxx]

I have a one year old son with my partner. I had a lot of violence in my past from my dad which I have never got over, even after lots of counselling. Ever since I had my son I became ill with Borderline personality disorder, it's been a hell of a year and I feel so useless sometimes. I feel like I argue with my partner so much and I'm turning into my dad, which I prayed I wouldn't. I get so angry, aggressive, sad, lonely, needy, vulnerable and scared. I love my son more than anything and I know I'm a great mum but I don't want to bring him up in this environment. I've tried medication, CBT, DBT but nothing helps :( all my anger is aimed at my relationship and I don't know what to do?

I'm sorry - I have no advice at this stage but I am sure there are others who will come along who have. Sending you a hug

Are you happy in your relationship OP?

Does your partner understand borderline personality disorder at all?

Is there anything specific about the relationship that you feel most angry about?

Also, is he ever abusive towards you (if he is, just get out)?

You aren't your Dad. You are totally different person, even when you are fighting and losing your temper. He had such a (horrible) influence on you though, it's natural that your first though goes to him when you see yourself losing control.

There's loads that can be done for BPD. As i understood it (and I'm sure someone will correct if wrong), multiple dbt courses can be needed. It's not that you've failed if one didn't fix things. There is hope, don't give up. The fact that you are so self aware and motivated to change bodes really well for you.

Thank you for the comments.

@BifsWif I am happy most of the time but having BPD does change my moods and I never know what person I'll be day to day

@SnowGoArea thank you for that lovely comment, I really appreciate everything you said. My partner does understand, we've been to couples counselling and he's been really supportive, he isn't physical.
This is the thing, I know all my triggers and what my problems are. I just feel at a loss at the moment. I hate the anger that builds inside me and I don't know where to put it

Are you on medication? This can help to stabilize you when in crisis mode.

I am afraid DBT only works if you can separate yourself from events and look at things objectively. This is what DBT is, a method of thinking. Borderline treatment requires a massive overhaul of your entire life. I really understand how much work it is.

Here are some things I did:

I worked on my sleep issue (two children under two. Being rested helps). I did sleep hypnotherapy free online.

Meditation - free with an app

Mindfulness - free from many resources

Exercise - Bikram yoga to rebuild my mental and physical strength

Journaling everyday to write down how I feel, how I perceive things. Reflecting on what is good.

Intensive DBT - not just with the therapist but at home with the medical textbook

Read everything you can find on borderline

For as long as it takes, no alcohol (as this can make me upset).

Go for relationship counseling.

Make a plan, set a goal, as an individual, as a couple and as a family.

This worked for me. You have to be relentless with BPD. It's hard but it is worth it to live life with less stress, less raw pain and more harmonious relationships.

I meant to ask, are you on the right medication? There are many.

Are you struggling with any other medical issue (physically I'm thinking exhaustion or fatigue, or perhaps mentally - depression or anxiety). Everything needs to be treated separately.

This book helped my family.

psychcentral.com/lib/stop-walking-on-eggshells-taking-your-life-back-when-someone-you-care-about-has-borderline-personality-disorder/

It is also fine to take a break from your relationship, even living under the same roof. Accepting you don't have to mend something in your relationship right away is okay if you focus on getting through each day and allowing yourself to parent effectively. Or allow yourself to get well first. If the relationship is strong and your partner understands you then he will accept this for a while.

My therapist also said something to me in therapy relating to my relationship: 'In Amy instance, always ask yourself if it is more important to win your point than to protect your marriage'. You don't need to fight every point, and not all at once. This took me a long time to accept. I am a lot more introspective after DBT and I pick my moments. I never let anger build though because that is also toxic.

@whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 wow thank you for all these helpful things. I will definitely look into these all, I have tried medication but nothing so far has helped. Are you on meds? I also tried meditation but I find also with having BPD I find it so hard to concentrate. I do have depression too and have been in the darkest of places. I like the last piece of your advice, I do feel I want to win arguments but then I always feel crap and sorry after. I do need space sometimes but we are struggling in a bed one flat so I feel stuck. I appreciate you taking your time to write all that information 😊 I just want to feel "normal" whatever that is

So sorry you're feeling this way, it must be so frustrating as it sounds like youre trying really hard (which I'm sure your partner appreciates).

I wonder if some standard anger management techniques might be useful in addition to the BPD stuff you've been taught? Just things like how to notice your anger physically before letting it just explode out, learning how to take a time out, that kind of thing. You could probably find some books at the library (or some helpful stuff online) if you're on a budget.

You sound very strong - hang in there.