At what point do you say enough

[UncleGuber]

So weve been married 11 years, together for 13. I had a thread (that i cant find a few years ago under a name change) when i worried that things werent right and nothing has really changed.

From the outside everything is perfect. We are financially stable, nice house, 2 primary school aged dc who adore him. Pulls more than his weight around the house and we both have hobbies that we support each other to do.

But its like living with my best friend. Im a confident person but occasionally i would like an odd compliment or acknowledgment that im more than a friend. Maybe im expecting too much but a peck on the cheek every morning and the odd hug here and there ( that isnt me initiating)is not what i thought life would be like. Im not expecting 50 shades of bloody grey but sex more than twice a year would be nice. Any physical contact would be nice. Even the twice yearly pity shag is becoming excruiting because i always get that sense of duty from him. How we managed to have 2 dc is a distant memory

But generally things are fine, lovely, very nice. There is nothing to worry about and a lot to be very very grateful for (and i am, truly i am) and i realise i do sound ungrateful. Weve talked - and nothing changes. Ive cried and nothing changes. He refuses to talk more or go to a doctor. Counselling is a no. And so it continues and every night i lie in my bed and feel so bloody unwanted that it hurts.

So when do you call time on a marriage that essentially is fine but just really friends? Do i stick it out? Do i rock the boat? Im so unsure

These are years you could be spending having a physical relationship with someone else... Or ask for an open marriage, tell him you need a physical relationship.

My biggest problem is i try to ignore it - mainly because talking gets me nowhere. And it is always always me that brings it up which makes me think that its just my problem.

An open marriage would be a great option because (maybe selfishly im not sure) i dont want to leave althiugh its the one option ive nit had the courage to suggest.

On my last thread i was asked if maybe he was gay and it has crossed my mind on many occasions but hes always denied it when uve been vrave enough to ask.

But like most of the threads on here about sexless marriages its a bloody hard place to be

Excuse the typos im on my phone comforting a small dc!

If you really want to stay you could try some kind of open marriage thing but I imagine you’d end up getting feelings for whoever it was and end up in a worse mess. It’s such a shame for you and for your DC but if you’re not happy in a sexless marriage then that’s that really, you’ve tried your best and no one could blame you.

He doesnt care about your sexual fulfiment. He has made that clear many times.

How are you going to go about seeking fulfilment but without splitting? I mean he's pretty much made it clear what he wants.

Its taken me a long time to realise that perhaps things werent quite right but its not helped that the 2 friends i did talked to about maybe leaving were so shocked.

Its really difficult when its really the only thing that isnt right. Im not anything special but ive done the eat right, lose baby weight advice, have date night, nights away etc and it makes no difference. I am at a point where all i can think is he just doesnt particularly want me. And thats heartbreaking.

Lots of people go through life like this.
You have to decide if you’re one of them.
Hard but simple really

I'm not sure that an open marriage would be the way to go. It doesn't just sound like it's just more sex you want but rather intimacy, love and attention from your husband. I agree as pp said if you go the open marriage route it would end in tears as I think emotions would get twisted

Maybe take a look a the book, Too good to Leave, Too Bad To Stay via Amazon. It might be useful in consolidating your thoughts. Try not to read to much into your friends responses, only you truly know what life is like for you behind closed doors. Is it a life you want for the next 40 odd years?

Thank you for the book suggestion i will take a look.

Im my own worst enemy in that i go round in circles about this and thats probably why its rumbled on for so long. I need to make a decision one way or another and the neither leave or accept it is the way it is

I lived in a sexless relationship for 6 years (my ex did turn out to be gay). It was soul destroying. It influences everything - how you feel about yourself, how you interact with other people, your mood...if both partners are not interested in sex then that’s fine, but for me it was very difficult to cope with. The marriage ended, and I’ve been with my DP for the last three years. The difference in me is immeasurable. I love having sex with him. He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman on the planet (I’m almost 50 and no supermodel). I sleep better, I’m happier, calmer, and more relaxed. I also feel really secure and loved, and I love loving in return. You have one life. Don’t waste it trying to pursue something that doesn’t want to be pursued.

It’ll continue to eat you up & will only get worse. I really cannot see the point in a sexless relationship, you may as well be flat mates.

You deserve so much more

It may week be that he is gay op. Twice a year is strange when you have all the other things right.
But leaving does seem really drastic too - if it is just a case of tiredness / depression s not sexual preference etc
I would lay it on the line to him that he needs to go to the go to rule out depression or you are out. But the habits may still be there.

Has it always been like this?

I ended a 'perfect' long term relationship because though I loved him, I was no longer in love with him and felt more like a sister to him and I was starting to like other men. We had no kids so I don't know if that would have made any difference.

I've ended a 13 year relationship with kids because of other reasons and even though we're still together I feel so free in so many respects.

Maybe a trial separation would help both of you see?

I was in your position 3 years ago. 3 young children married to my best friend, and no affection at home. Actually affection yes as in a hug, kiss on the head etc but hardly any real intimacy. I am ashamed to sayI had an affair which lasted 18 months. It ended amicably and neither of our partners know. The feeling of being wanted gave me the confidence (and probably the guilt) to sort my marriage out. We are back to sex once a week ish. Both of us have put more effort in. As I felt so unwanted I realised that I had also stopped putting the effort in.
I am not suggesting you do the same. I know what I did was wrong and am still can't believe I did it. However, just wanted to point out that you can sometimes get that intimacy back. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I would also suggest a trial separation.
Is there somewhere he could go?
This will be your life for another decade or more if you stay.
It's a lonely place to be and it will knock every bit of confidence you have.
Life is short - sometimes way too short.
You've lived this for years.
It's time for YOU now!!!!