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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My near miss (A letter to..)

64 replies

IronNeonClasp · 10/06/2018 19:12

Thought I'd share this for the minority that might be going through something similar. Don't do it. Let me know what you think. Thank you 

In my 40’s with a failed marriage, then a relationship ending more recently, I realise now that I gave you the wrong signals and this is entirely my fault.

But, I met my match in you - a good looking, older, charming and wealthy flirt. A real man. I don't deny that there is definitely chemistry there. I initiated contact with you - a married man. But being younger, pretty, sassy and available, you immediately swooped on to me on the off chance I could become your potential mistress, grooming me at every opportunity.

But for me it could work so perfectly where I am in my life right now, a ‘no strings’ arrangement. I seriously deliberated over it.

I don’t have to answer to anyone. Why should I care about morals? I am not doing anything wrong. I am single. I am not married to anyone. I can choose who I want to meet or sleep with - when and where. I am guilt-free. And there’s the thrill of the chase until I meet someone. Then I could drop you. Just as you would me if your Wife ever got a sniff of what you were up to.

And the appeal of the spoil. Selfishly, this could be very lucrative for me, you - my sugar daddy. Once a week sex in a 'posh' hotel, no ties, just you to purchase my loyalty and my secrecy. Perhaps some sexy lingerie, or a skimpy dress or earrings. A dirty weekend away. Or a meal at a posh restaurant and some expensive vino. Good company and the guarantee of sex. Perhaps you would fall in love with me and leave your Wife..

My Father was a serial adulterer. He moved in with the other woman when I was a kid. Then he came crawling back to my Mother. A few more flings over the years. I remember it all very well. In the end he abandoned her completely for another woman. A younger version – just like me. Unlike your Wife and your disclosure to me of having previous affairs in order to get you through your marriage, my Mother always knew. Over time she recognised the signs.

Perhaps your Wife does know. Whilst you are downstairs watching porn or chatting erotically to someone like me, she probably does, but she chooses to turn a blind eye to your behaviour. Perhaps she finds you repulsive because you are like a dog on heat all of the time. Have been for years. A randy, dirty old man. Perhaps all of that pestering over the years has put her off sex completely. Or perhaps she willingly has to oblige due to her marital commitment to you. Perhaps you have a great sex life but you are just so greedy.

I’ll admit, your charm, determination and the chase has been very addictive. I have been flattered by the attention you have given me during the day and whilst your Wife sleeps for the last couple of weeks.

But having now reflected the proposal on a more serious level, the ramifications, potential detriment and deceit, I have come to only one conclusion. I am ending this now before it gets out of hand.

Resistance is not futile. I have to respect your Wife and your Children. And I have to respect my Mother and Myself.

OP posts:
MrsJacksonBrodieTheSecond · 10/06/2018 20:16

Also just a heads up mate..... women that want a sugar daddy don’t want sexy lingerie or a skimpy dress (especially if they’re in their 40’s). They want cash and the prospect of sex with an old man is not so tempting they have to write imaginary letters to stop themselves shagging you.

Drchinnery · 10/06/2018 20:18

If you respected your mother, yourself, his wife and children you wouldn't have done it in the first place

nibblingandbiting · 10/06/2018 20:20

What’s with all the drivel.
Hi you’re dumped.

I find that much easier. Chances are he would read it as blah blah blah you’re dumped.

iMatter · 10/06/2018 20:20

I reckon this "letter" will appear in Take A Break next week.

OP - stick to the day job.

loveablether · 10/06/2018 20:23

You waited to the end to respect his wife and kids? This was a bit like you're wanting to keep obsessing and trying to convince yourself that you are not just a shag on the side?

IronNeonClasp · 10/06/2018 20:24

Nothing happened. He's been blocked/deleted.
But it's how it begins. I posted it because I thought it might help someone in a similar predicament.
All got your judgy pants on. We should be allowed free speech. If you haven't been there what's the point of commenting?

Anyway it's going as soon as MN get on it.

Confused
OP posts:
Battleax · 10/06/2018 20:25

You asked what we thought. We told you. Confused

IronNeonClasp · 10/06/2018 20:26

I know. Thanks.
I get it.

OP posts:
tierraJ · 10/06/2018 20:27

I dated a younger man then found out he was married so dumped him, shame as I really liked him.

Im 41 I prefer slightly younger (SINGLE) men rather than married men in their 60s.

MrsJacksonBrodieTheSecond · 10/06/2018 20:28

I’m not sure MN delete thread just because they’re a bit rubbish.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 10/06/2018 20:28

We ARE all allowed free speech. You explicitly asked what we thought. You invited opinions and then when used our ‘free speech’ to tell your what we thought, you didn’t like it, because our opinions were negative.
What’s the point of inviting judgment & then whining about it?
The whole thing is just a bit immature.

blackeyes72 · 10/06/2018 20:32

I am afraid the first thing I thought when I read this was that you are a man..

As a woman the same age as you, I just can't relate to the tone of your post at all, but appreciate everyone is different...

IronNeonClasp · 10/06/2018 20:33

I understand.
I reiterate - it was to help a small minority.

OP posts:
IronNeonClasp · 10/06/2018 20:35

And it's crap. I get that too and I do appreciate all of you who have commented- I really do. Thank you

OP posts:
PositivelyPERF · 10/06/2018 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Trytobehappy · 10/06/2018 20:38

It helped me and could’ve been written by me. I felt vulnerable and he must have picked up on that. I had months of messages and felt almost as though I’d been groomed.

MsHomeSlice · 10/06/2018 20:41

awww, not very good reviews for you huh?

Maybe the chapter where he woos you some more and professes his true love for you and you alone and promptly leaves his wife with hilaaaaaaaaaaaaaarious speed will be better received?

nibblingandbiting · 10/06/2018 20:42

I don’t understand how that would help anyone.
Not everyone who has a sugar daddy has a parent who cheated. I didn’t.
Not everyone who gets involved with a married man gives a shit about the wive and kids. Or do they want the commitment. I didn’t.

So who is it this supposed to help? Aside
From you trying to rationalise the affair you had

AFistfulofDolores1 · 10/06/2018 20:42

I think you're having a very hard time on here, OP - but this really isn't the place to post about being a mistress, even if you have regrets.

What struck me about your post was a certain something (which might be unconscious), where a part of you isn't quite as contrite as you think you are. There's a kind of revelling too much in the details that feels raw and immediate enough for it not simply to be ironic.

Perhaps that's what others have picked up on too. You're still too close in to see it.

IronNeonClasp · 10/06/2018 20:49

Thanks Fist.
Yes. Raw. Could have been so easy.
Could I reiterate I didn't go there with him. Nothing happened. And in all of the negativity (which I understand - completely) I posted in case another Mumsnetter might be going through something similar.
Can be a harsh place. It may have been been badly written but it was an honest account.
Still feeling positive I got out of it tbh

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 10/06/2018 20:54

I hear you, and I still stand by my words - I think you're not extricated enough to write about it yet. I know this sounds harsh, but it feels true to me - and I may be wrong. I don't think I am, though.

I'm glad you feel positive you got out.

RainbowHash · 10/06/2018 21:02

Op - well done on not letting it go anywhere. It's very easy for people to judge, but people forget how intense and powerful matters of the heart can be. And how they can effect you when you're 'in it'. You've had some nasty responses here. Stay strong. You're worth more than that.

Fuckwithnosensesauce · 10/06/2018 21:02

I kind of skimmed it enough to know it was badly written shite. I did the same thing with 50 shades and gave it no more that one paragraph before i chucked it- rather waste my money that my time!
I think you come across as incredibly self obsessed in the way you have romantised this rather sleazy encounter. You do a fair bit of cock massaging too. You are taking it in (mostly) good humour though, so well done.

TemptressofWaikiki · 10/06/2018 21:07

Gawd this is all to cringetastically crap writing!

IronNeonClasp · 10/06/2018 21:08

Thanks for the positive comments.
It's totally not a self indulgent post.
I wanted to post in case another woman out there may have been in this situation.

OP posts:
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