Is this fair/ equal

[lots33]

This thread is kind of inspired by another one where i am interested to know Mnetters views on the division of labour in our family as i feel quite resentful and I don’t know if IABU.

Here goes:

The basics - we have 2 children 6 and 8, 2 dogs. DP doesnt work and I’m self employed full time. Usually work until children are home from school and then stop for a while to spend time with them / dog walk / home work etc. Depending on how busy I am I often work again after they go to bed. Once a month I work away for 3 or 4 days.

We have a cleaner 4 hours a week and send ironing out as caused loads of arguments when we didn’t.

DP does: meal planning, shopping , cooking, school runs 7/10, school admin, homework, garden (small), bins, fires in winter, DIY but usually have someone in.

I do: laundry, household admin inc banking for both, bills, budgeting, holidays, car insurance and mot etc, school runs 3/10, dog walking, most bedtimes.

Both do tidying, birthday presents etc. DP is tidier but I’m more thorough.

I feel as though DP gets loads more down time than I do; DP says she never gets a break despite seeming to watch rather a lot of daytime Netflix.

Thoughts? And how to broach if it is unfair?

Depends... sorry! Why doesn't she work? Was that a joint decision?

Can't really tell if it is inheritantly unfair, but would err towards it not sounding all that equitable!

Is there a reason why she can't do cleaning and laundry? P

Admin is easy once set up. Don't make it anymore than it is and you do laundry and a few school pick ups. She does everything else and she may watch TV in the day because her evenings and weekends will be taken up with kids stuff. Maybe she should get a job and you can take on a 50/50 share of the chores? Or would that not suit you!

I'd expect more to be done by the non-working partner. Your children are at school, so what is she doing all day while you are working?

Someone wise once said not to compare what chores you do, but how much down time you have, as in, you should have equal down time. Might be hard for you to measure if she's at home, when you are at work!

What is it you are unhappy with?

Admin is fairly easy - especially when you have laptop access at work?

Children to bed - yes you should since the other looks after them all day

I’m in your other half’s situation and I certainly have lots of free time - more than my dh - but I’ve earned it after doing all the early years childcare/night wakings

I believe that even if you work full time you should be coming home and participating in family life I.e chores and parenting

That’s life

Doesn’t seem fair to me. I’d suggest she gets at least a part time job and contributes to the cost of the cleaning and ironing.

Interesting range of views thank you.

The not working is driven by DP but I am ok with it, we can manage and it means that we don’t need childcare. Until a year ago, I worked less hours and DP worked full time - i was the main carer for the children then,
But my earning capacity is greater so this made more sense. I miss being the main carer though!

Cleaner /ironing stemmed from then and when we didn’t have one, when i was on both maternity leaves, I did it all and it caused rows. So I wanted to avoid that.

DP gets a couple of hours down time in the school day, and then every evening. I probably work 3 evenings a week and work flat out during school hours.

I guess we are very lucky compared to lots of families and I should count my blessings...

She doesn’t look after them all day. They’re at school.

Mellie, I did all the early years, breastfeeding, night wakings.

Are you a same sex couple, or has there been a typo somewhere?

So dc are at school for 6 hours. Does dp walk dogs during that time, shop etc? That leaves 4 hours ...

Both DC were terrible sleepers and DP moved into another room so I had them all night until yongerst DC was 2 - they slept by then!

Yes same sex couple.

Lizs,I walk the dogs after school with the kids on their scooters. DP shops, cooks etc.

I think it is unequitable.
You sound to be doing more than your DP, especially if you also did all the BF and night wakings.
DP should probably aim for a part time job.
She isn't doing much cleaning if you have a cleaner 4 hours a week - just tidying.

I'd struggle to fill 5 hours a day doing just that which you have listed.

I think it's very unequal. There is no way I'd be paying for a cleaner and ironing service whilst another adult is at home all day and the children are in school. I'd expect them to pick up all the household stuff on my working days and for the weekends to be shared otherwise they would have to go back to working or find some other sucker to fund their "do little" lifestyle.

A very interesting subject but I am in your situation, OP. Not resentful though.
We have a small child, my DP does not work, the child is in nursery couple of days per week and we do have a cleaner.
I do the bills and house admin but everything is easy once set up.
DP does shopping, cooking and laundry. I never understand what does 'doing bins' mean so I guess i am doing it? (I take them out on the way to work).
I'm at home four days a week and out of the house 6:30am-7pm the other three. I feel my DP js resentful and complains about the amount of work as she counts my 2hr commute each way as 'downtime' but actually I am either at work, on the train or looking after the baby.