Would YOU stay with someone like this?

[Maybe2under2]

Context: In a bit of a make or break situation with partner trying to decide if to leave. together 3 years, 13m Ds, renting but were planning to buy house and marry.

Positives

• He is good with money and the main earner, splits costs proportinally which is very fair
• his family are supportive, help look after DS and are good people, would be hurt if we split
• He loves and cares about me unconditionally, I know he would never hurt me or our kids
• quite a good cook
• Always willing to do things like go and do the weekly shop or make me a drink
• I do love him and care about him, don't want to hurt him. Just not sure if I'm 'in love' any more.
• He really loves Ds

Negatives

• I find him quite dull, his sense of humor is extremely different to mine
• He's very strong headed and if he decides we are/aren't doing something then that is what happens. He isn't a bully at all but he usually tries to get his own way.
• Sex isn't terrible but he's V lazy eg. me always on top, he lasts less than 5 minutes
• He complains about a lot of things e.g time it takes to drive to work, how his lunch was inadequate etc. I find his negative attitude very draining. Have asked him to lighten up but he hasn't changed and I find it very wearing.
• Never gets up in the night/morning with DS unless I ask him too. Has never done a night feed or had a night alone with him, although I have booked myself a night away in July as I'm sick of having no free time
• Lived in this house over a year and he has vacuumed once, never cleaned the bathroom, dusted, cleaned the kitchen. He does do most of the washing up. I cook 5 nights a week, he does 2. But he works 37 hours a week and I only do 16 so I don't know if that's a fair split.
• Never does things unless I ask. Will leave washing on the line if it's raining because he cba bringing it in.

What do you think? Am I overreacting and need to try and make things work for our son? would you/would you not put up with the above?

You had me at the first negative. Don't marry someone you find dull. Marriage is tough and a sense of humour gets you through a lot. I didn't read the resterms because the first is non negotiable.

With the split of working hours you describe, I would expect the lion's share of housework/childcare to fall to the 16 hours per week partner - but never for the 37 hours partner rings alarm bells.

The lack of compromise you describe is also concerning.

Different sense of humour/whingeing/sex being less than marvellous are things I think you could compromise on. I'm a realist, and think it's unlikely you will ever find someone who is perfect in every way.

The real threat comes in the lack of balance you describe. You are both working, so your partner should be picking up some of the other household responsibilities. It would be reasonable for him to do less, as he has less time at home, but not for him to do next to nothing, as your description suggests.

As far as decision-making goes, you should have an equal say. He should be the one to compromise on some occasions.

If you feel the split of chores and decision making could be fixed, the relationship is worth working on. If not, you will end up very miserable if you stay together.

Definitely forget marriage for now.
Can you imagine life without him?does it fill you with dread or excitement?
It sounds like maybe things have got stale,is it worth having some date nights and taking up a hobby together?i.e. Dancing,(salsa is fun)or swimming,running....
Have a proper talk,each taking a turn at holding the pebble(agree beforehand that the one holding it talks and other one concentrates on listening,not what they want to say themselves).
Do you think it's worth giving your relationship a really good chance before you walk away op?
If you do,then at least you will know it isn't going to work and that you tried your best.
I hope things work out well for you.

OP he actually sounds very draining. There are several of your negative points that are worrying.

The deciding that what he wants/doesn't want trumps anything you want is a very bad thing in a relationship (he's basically saying it's his way or the highway and that means that he isn't willing to consider your views as an equal partner in your relationship.

Being lazy sexually, again he doesn't care about how you feel. If he has difficulty lasting then he should make sure you're satisfied first.

I wouldn't marry him or buy a house with him.

He always gets his own way but isn't a bully? How does that work?

To quote Sleepless in Seattle: Marriage is hard enough without bringing such low expectations into it.

sounds like a 1970s marriage.

Tbh, if he's that dull, I'm surprised you were having sex with him.

You can't reduce it down to a list of pros and cons. Sounds like you've decided you want to leave and you're looking for reassurance that you've done the right thing?

Sounds a lot like me ex.
Maybe talk to him and list your above points, ask for his input on addressing them? The problem is he is probably happy with the situation as it is now, this is who he is, and any chats may give him chance to improve for a while but invariably it will slip back to this.
Give yourself a timeframe (don't tell him), 6 months for example, and reassess after that.
As a pp said if you are looking for reassurance you are allowed to end any relationship if you are not happy.

I feel for you op, over time all the points you mention kill the love and respect and you would probably be more than fine without this relationship. In addition if you did split he would have to step up with childcare so you would probably have a lot more free time than you do now (my ex now does his fair share of childcare and is a good dad).
Good luck, op

I think he sounds lazy in general and that will probably get worse as the years go on. However it is worth discussing and laying it on the line that you are unhappy and considering leaving unless there is change but work on that together.