Parent guilt

[nearlysummer2018]

I'll try to get to the point quickly...

I'm married with a DC but did so quite late in life due to a lot of issues surrounding mental health such as eating disorders, suicidal episodes and emotionally unstable personality disorder. I didn't do well in relationships because I got paranoid a lot and assumed people didn't really like me.

I've been through therapy and it's been suggested that my upbringing was quite challenging and in hindsight there were some things that happened that I would never ever dream of doing to my own DC. Things like my parents (who divorced when I was two) would constantly tell me how awful the other was until eventually my father cut all contact. My mother would often tell me what a horrible man she had married and then tell me I was just like him. To a child that translated that she hated me too and it made me always a bit of an outsider. She married again quickly (when I was 3) and had more children. This led to me getting in a lot of trouble and being screamed at, smacked a lot (it was the 80's so more acceptable) and put in my room a lot.

As a child and teenager my parents would often keep me up till the early hours of the morning to tell me all the things I did that disappointed them and I'd wake up the following day with eyes almost shut from all the crying. This isn't normal now I'm a parent as when my children get upset I do anything in my power to make it better and would never ever be the reason they cry (except the times when I have to leave for work and I can't help them crying- it breaks my heart). Nothing I did was good enough and nothing I said was right. They hold a grudge well and love telling me how much better my younger siblings are because they have never got in debt, never needed help and generally have their shit together. It's held against me the fact I have had mental health problems and got into debt because I had to leave teaching due to being in hospital.

The reason for this post though is that I don't like my family as much as I think I should and I'm pretty sure they hate me. I adore my DC and sort of wish we could just be our own little family. I also think my in laws hate me too but that's another issue. I'm away with my DC, mum and sister this weekend and I'm on edge and nervous and can't enjoy myself. She's criticised my life, bragged about how amazing my brother is constantly and told me I am not feeding my son correctly (he's a grazer at 3yo). She told me I should make him sit and finish a meal and this morning when he didn't want to eat the breakfast she gave him said he couldn't come out with us for the day until he did. He got upset and asked to go to the hotel room so she said he was a baby and ruining the day already. I happily took him away and explained we would never leave him behind and if he wanted to just have a few bites of everything that was enough. Sure enough he managed. Tonight though she said he was tired and listless until she made him eat whilst out and I need to feed him. He's been tired all day though because he went to bed at 10.30pm last night and again tonight. He wakes up at 6am and was shattered. Not because he wouldn't eat a banana and a pain au chocolat at 8am!

I feel guilty though. I shouldn't feel like this about my parents. My mum constantly reminds me how much she does/has done for me. She remembers my childhood as me being spoilt and cared for more than the rest and that my siblings often go without because of me. I want to have the same relationship they do with her but it's so hard.

I feel so awful. I honestly don't know how to fix this because it's been my whole life. When I was 22 she told me she never wanted children and I was an accident. So it's literally been my whole life I've got it wrong.

Oh darling, they sound awful
And you sound like a wonderful mother despite not being shown how to be, you have it inside of you.
In your position I would think seriously about going no contact with your mother. She doesn't deserve to have you and your son in her life and it seems you get nothing good from her. You really aren't obliged to spend your time and energy on people who are so negative and toxic, even if they are related to you.

@PsychedelicSheep I've had a period of NC before but she guilt tripped me into coming back. She said everything growing up is all in my head and she remembers me always being happy. She's always saying how her relationships with my siblings and her husband suffered because I needed more attention and they don't like me because if it.

I wonder if it is in my head and I'm sick. How will I know if it's real given it's her word against mine and all this was done without people from outside the family knowing? Even the blame nights were done after my siblings were asleep in bed.

I'm hoping for a less stressful day today but worried the breakfast/lunch thing will be an issue again. We've been up a couple of hours so DC has already had a drink and an apple. Hopefully he'll have more. Hoping they do porridge because there's a high chance he'll eat that! If not I'll white lie and say the jam on toast is mixed fruit (not sure why it has to be that but he can't seem to tell the difference).

Thank you for replying to me so late. I guess I feel bad that if I have NC she'll want to see my DC. However I'm not comfortable with her being alone with him unless strictly necessary. She says he's a different child when I'm not around but I like the one he is so don't see why I should need to know that!

As to being a good mother. That's something else of an issue in the family. I have been tormented for breastfeeding him till 3yo (mainly nights) because I wanted to naturally wean and bit by big circumstance (him being more tired and sleeping through, both of us at school) brought it about. I also happily let him co-sleep and I'd rather have him carried on my back in the toddler carrier than a pushchair (I've always carried him since birth). In general I think I've gone down the attachment/gentle parenting route and she's told me how bad it is for him. I'll agree he is clingy but only when with me and needs that closeness. At school he's independent and his teacher has said how confident, caring and incredibly kind he is helping other children. I can't help but feel I've contributed to that (although she said I've just got lucky).

I think I know the answer. I just don't know how to move on. No one else sees her like I do. Part of me is glad my brother and SIL are having a baby because she will have a grandchild regardless and not worry about my DC as much. I don't know. I just know that feeling like this can't have come from nowhere and there must be a reason.

How lovely your carrying and cosleeping and extended breastfeeding is! Just lovely.

You can be your own little family. You can go NC again. There is so much shit to unravel that I think you need to continue with therapy to support you through that.

So I know me saying “do it!” doesn’t actually help you to do it. But I just wanted to pitch in to reassure you that the abuse they subjected you to wasn’t normal, was awful, and that you’re absolutely justified in cutting them out now. It will be the healthiest thing for you.

Good luck x

@Ellisandra I adore my son so having him close is natural. Hopefully her DIL and my brother don't take the same route or else she'll start praising how well they parent and deny ever criticising me.