DH and I have been together for 37 years and both come from dysfunctional families. I was fostered at a very young age with older siblings, then foster mum (FM) took on another child with foster dad (FD0 who had learning disabilities. They then had own birth child and FD died when birth child was 2. We all had to move and start again in another part of the city. FM fostered one more child long term, then started short term fostering alongside. Result-very chaotic home life, and I was the scapegoat for everything. Left home at 18, went to uni, never to return living home again.
Still kept in contact with family, until recent death of FM. No contact with birth siblings since age of 22 due to various reasons, and not bothered by that, but still close to their birth child. Grew up knowing my background was unusual, but rose above it and DH at uni.
He got that my family were unusual and has always been a great support and helped me distance myself from all the nonsense.
DH was also adopted by his father, but did not know until he was 12 that his dad wasn't his biological dad. Not an issue at the time, and has only become relevant in last few months since death of his birth mother. DH was told that he was originally put up for adoption, but his mum changed her mind and kept him. All well and good, except that he then went to live with his aunt until he was four, with birth mother (BM) and adopted dad visiting on weekends when they could.
Meantime they had a son together and still did not have DH to live with them until he was four and brother was 3.
So we now find out that DH was born in an unmarried mother's convent, not where his birth certificate states.
DH and I knew his dad had adopted him, but his 2 brothers (in their 50's) also only found out a few months ago. Younger brother is fine and DH gets on really well with him, but middle brother is being a bit odd about all.
Our DC have known for a long time that DHs mum did not really like him and was always rude about him and to his face and we know that this can be explained by their history, but it has meant that over the years, DH and I have not received the same level of love, support and interest in GC as his brothers. We have always dealt with this and have not go too upset when we and our children have been treated less favourably.
However, what has really upset us recently is that DHs parents sent grandchild £200 pounds per month whilst at university for 4 years, gave GC £1000 pounds towards buying a car, whilst our DC receive £20 on their birthday if they are lucky. What rubs salt into the wounds is that for three years until last year, we were giving them £200 per month as they said they did not have enough to live on,
On top of that, a few weeks after the funeral, FIL decides that he shouldn't have to pay for the second funeral car (for the GC) or for the buffet, because the funeral cost too much money, so DH and youngest brother ended up paying £500 between them to placate their dad. The icing on the cake is that last weekend, DHs dad went out and spent £12 000 on a second hand two-seater sports car and he is 80.
I don't know what my point is really, but we are both very hurt and just asking for advice on how to deal with family without falling out.
Apologies for the essay.