Long Distance Relationship

[Agapi]

New to mumsnet, looking for different opinions! Married, 42 yrs old with a DD of 18. By choice I have been the main breadwinner in my family for the last few years since my job offers good pay and benefits. We are an expat family for the last 5 years, again my choice as I wanted to pursue my career. My husband has been incredibly supportive through our marriage of 19 years, supporting my career goals. He took up a 5 year sabbatical from his job so that I could pursue my current job. Now for the challenge....I want to continue living abroad but my husband would like to go back to our home country and to his old job. I would not be able to keep my job and would not find a similarly paid job. Daughter is moving to a different country to pursue her own plans, which we support. I am thinking of continuing my career for a few more years, even if my husband goes back to our home country. He says he wants to go back home, not to leave me. Still, I feel it is risky to our marriage, although we have done this already in the past for about 3 years. We had said never again but here we are again considering this. Back then I felt more confident about our marriage, having gone through some ups and downs these past few years, mainly because he wants to go back. I love him a lot and want to remain married, but am torn at going back to our home country with no job. At this moment in time, we want to pursue different things. Can long distance work again for us? Have you done this, any thoughts or suggestions?

Have you had the discussion about how the sex will work? Obviously you'll both be having sex with other people during the times you're apart, but will it be "don't ask don't tell" or the full details?

Eh?

Anyway OP, does he really want to split and this is his way of doing it?

I can totally understand his desire to go home and work after having put your career first for some time.

I think LD can work in a limited timeframe, but this is quite open-ended.

Sleeping with other people is not an option. We were doing long distance for 3 years and it did not even enter my mind at all to do that. I trusted my husband completely to stay faithful and have no reason to believe that he has been unfaithful.

Does he want to split? Well he has not said that outright. When he mentions going back home, I do become upset and tearful as I don't want us to live apart, especially not now that our daughter is moving out. In my mind this is the time for us to spend quality time together, to travel and enjoy things together. With my pay we can afford to travel etc. My husband says he is not bothered about money etc and would rather go back home. I am being selfish I guess, wanting it my way...

Sadly it looks like you're going to have to choose between your job and your marriage OP. If he feels so strongly about going "home" and you have talked it over as much as you possibly can, you both have difficult choices to face. It looks like one of you will have to compromise to save your marriage lifestyle. I hope you can sort things so you with both be happy.

Is there anyone living like this right now...? Would like to get more feedback on the topic!

I lived overseas around 6000 miles or a 12 hour flight from my partner for 18 months. It was very hard.. Not impossible but hard especially when I got pregnant and sick as he was unable to help me for the first few months until I decided to move home.
You've done this before and know.the difficulties. Btw I agree with you sex isn't one of them! But how will contact be managed ? Can he take regular breaks? How far away is away? Is his and your job felxible enough to allow for regular trips? Do the financials allow this? My situation worked as the answer to these questions was yes , so we saw each other every 6 weeks
It is possible and I know couples who have done this successfully including friends but it takes a lot of committed effort to make it work.

Thank you very much spanglyprincess1 for your post and thoughts. If my husband moves back home, we would need to fly 3 hours to see each other. It would not be a problem for either of us to take a few days out to see each other every few weeks, financially would not be an issue. I can imagine this set up for another 3 years max, and that would allow me to grow into the idea of moving back and giving up my current job. It has taken me 15 years to get to my current role and it is hard for me to just give it up, hence I would like time to grow into this idea and also to plan what I would do next. That said, if I thought my marriage would not survive this again, then I am left with no choice....Hoping that my marriage is strong enough that we support each other to both find our way and happiness moving forward, but staying together!!

Maybe don't fix a time limit of 3 years? Make it felxible. We used to meet in third countries too for ' holidays' so it wasn't always as bad.
Three hours is some people's lives anyway eg if they work in London but family live in Manchester so work away Mon - Friday so that does seem on paper to make it reasonable.
We also used to do Skype dates lol . Eg leave Skype on and watch a film or have dinner and chat so it felt more like we were 'normal' so to speak.
Also do not underestimate how lonley ex pat life can be without close family. It can be isolating esp if you get sick or everyone else is coupled up.

Sleeping with other people is not an option. We were doing long distance for 3 years and it did not even enter my mind at all to do that. I trusted my husband completely to stay faithful and have no reason to believe that he has been unfaithful.

😂😂😂

i hate england, i hate that i have to live like a poor person here. I totally understand your love of freedom, travel, etc...... Your husband may have been quite bored, without anything to do. Could he have a role internationally that would give him freedoms too since DD is flying the nest? Could you come home and have a roving role with Oxfam, or a job that gets you out. I hear your cry. It's a tough one.

From my own experience with the United Nations, temptations come in many forms.

What is your DH saying about this? Personally, I don't think it'll end well if you do long distance. At the life stage you're at , with your DC flying the nest, it's time to re-discover each other as a couple again. Long distance is so hard and I think younger parents are held together then by the children, or pre-children by the desire to have them together. At your stage, if you don't fullfill each other's relationship needs , what's there to stay for? Someone else would come along and fill that void. Also, wouldn't ten marriage be destroyed by resentment either way? I understand his point of view, he's given this a fair go. But I'd try to make sure it's not just his way of wanting to end the marriage. It would be a waste gojng back home then.

Mountainsoutofmolehills, thank you for your post. Husband does not necessarily need to work. He has other interests that keep him occupied, although not with any financial gain. I think he just wants to go back home, to his old job, to have a sense of security and as he says to be closer to his parents. I can understand this but feel our current quality of life is so much better and allows us to travel often and live well. Since our daughter is moving abroad, we will also be able to afford going to see her often. Financially at least for next 3 years, would be wiser to stay in my current role.

SusanDelfino, thank you for your reply. Yes, I am very much aware that at this stage in our life, we have many things to look forward to as a couple. He has many interesting hobbies and I was looking forward to supporting him with this, traveling and just enjoying being together. I think we need to have a talk again and try to clarify things.

I think you need to ask him honestly whether this is his way of splitting.

Whether, if you decide to stay put, if he has any intention of staying in the relationship for another 3 years.

Be honest with yourself - are your life plans just incompatible at this point?

If he goes back home I think he’s likely to find another relationship tbh.

Actually. I’ve done the whole LDR thing and similar. However reading your thread it’s all about what you want?

You wanted your career so he gave up his, he’s given up quite a lot. Yes you have the material things and a nicer life but is HE feeling fulfilled? Does he feel like he’s achieved anything? Or maybe now the children have flow the nest and you are putting your all into your career still. He maybe feeling lonely or even resentful.

He now wants to go back home and work for himself. You’ll find the kids getting older or flying the nest is a turning point. He may not want to be a kept man forever. You say he’s supported your aspirations throughout the marriage, maybe it’s now time to support his?

He’s obviously not happy in the current situation which is why he wants to go back, you are. So I think you need to decide what’s more important. Your job or marriage.

I don’t see LD working at this life stage, especially when he’s given so much to support you and you won’t reciprocate when he’s wanting his turn. It’s compromise so you can keep your career again, rather than support him. I’m sorry if that reads harshly however it seems like he’s given up a lot, maybe it’s his turn to be supported or you may lose him.

Thank you Tatiana Larina and Masterbuilders for sharing your perspective. It is very hard for me to quit my job, it has been my dream to do what I am doing now. But at this point with our DC leaving, I do not feel confident that living long distance will benefit our marriage. It will be a parting of ways and that is totally something I cannot consider. Our marriage is very important to me and maybe this can be an opportunity to strengthen our relationship. I will still discuss this with my husband as he may be hiding his true feelings for the move not to upset me. Am also considering IC to prepare myself for these changes. With DC moving on and me potentially quitting my job, I am totally not sure what the future will look like!