Stay in a dead marriage or risk leaving?

[ohfecknuts]

I'm married with 3 young DCs and I've not wanted to be with my H for a good while now. We've tried separating from him a few times, but I felt so guilty I gave it another try.

He's not a bad man, he does everything he can to help around the house and with the children and he works hard. He is a liability sometimes with our children, which is a concern if we split when he will have access. He will be much less likely to listen to me then and I wonder about the effect on our children and also their safety.

We're currently renting and I'm worried about what I will do financially if I do leave. I am a care leaver, so I haven't got any family to fall back on and I don't have any money. We don't have any assets except a car which is in his name.

I was thinking it may just be easier to stay together for our children's sake. I'm not miserable but I'm not happy either. I would prefer to be a single mum, so I didn't feel the pressures and guilt of not wanting sex or physical contact, but I think I can stick it out for a good while longer. My shitty childhood I guess has given me the resilience for that sort of thing.

Is there any realistic option out there for someone like me to get out of this marriage?

What do you get out of this relationship now?. It seems that none of your needs are being met at all here in this relationship and emotionally at least you would be better off apart.

There is always a way out, you just need to be brave and take the first proper steps out of this marriage. And you will have to do that on your own, the first step is often the hardest.

You are married and you do have legal rights here, I would seek legal advice as to where you stand re your current situation. You may want to consider formal arrangements re the children and to use a contact centre. Knowledge is power, do not rely on mere supposition that could be wrong. Use the government website's entitledto calculator too.

Staying solely for the children is not a good idea. It teaches them that their parents marriage was based on a lie, they are not going to say thanks mum to you for staying with him if you choose to. They could well call you daft for staying and worse accuse you of putting him before them thus damaging your own relationship with them going forward. I would also have thought you would have liked your own parents to have gone their separate ways too if their own marriage was miserable.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. Do not do your bit here to teach your children that a loveless marriage will become their norm too. Its not your fault you had a shit childhood, that is all on your parents and they did their bit here re you having now your own crap marriage (you may well have married a carbon copy of one or other parent). Look at what you learnt about relationships from them, do you want that crap cycle to continue wit your own children and stay within such a marriage for your own reasons?. Your children cannot and must not ever be used as glue that binds you and your H together.

You now have a choice re this man, they do not and they will have to follow your lead. If you are miserable in this marriage they will certainly see and hear far more than you care to realise and they do pick up on all the vibes. They will certainly become more aware of all this as they get older and you cannot protect them fully from this.

The Rights of Women organisation are well worth contacting re your own legal rights.

I would prefer to be a single mum, so I didn't feel the pressures and guilt of not wanting sex or physical contact, but I think I can stick it out for a good while longer.

I'm going to go a bit out there, but if this is the primary reason for your unhappiness, have you considered:
A: Seeking therapy with a properly trained counsellor who can help you work on your issues (I'm assuming they are a result of trauma - if you identify as asexual then this obviously doesn't apply)
B: Telling your DH that he is free to seek a discreet arrangement with a fuck buddy or sex worker (would recommend SW as no danger of getting emotionally entangled) in order to meet his sexual needs and take the pressure off you

Can you expand about him being a "liability" with the DC?

If he's a 'liability' with the children, is that because he's doing drink or drugs?

Don't tell him he can go to a fuck buddy or sex worker unless your marriage is completely dead and you are making plans to separate in the very near future. You don't want him coming home to you and expecting sex when he's been with other people. It's nasty.

Is he a liability to the extent that a social worker would be concerned about his parenting? Examples would help.

I think NotTheFord makes some great suggestions

This is such a sad thread OP

FWIW, I think renting makes breakups far easier.
Also, I'm sure he would be a much better father during his access, as you wouldn't be there to do whatever it is he doesn't. He would have to do it. I've seen that happen loads of times.

No he's a liability because of reasons I put on here recently but the daily mail nabbed it so I had to have it deleted as it was outing. He has done things that put our children at risk, such as leaving the house without telling me when I was upstairs, and my children getting out and one nearly being ran over. Lots of people on the thread suggested he may be ASD.

Also, I'm sure he would be a much better father during his access, as you wouldn't be there to do whatever it is he doesn't. He would have to do it. I've seen that happen loads of times.

What about when he lost my 3 year old in our town? He was alone with the 3 of them then, and it didn't seem to kick him into place.

Ok

Do you think he would agree to supervised access, you being there?
Would you be comfortable with that?

Yeah, I'd be fine with that. I have nothing against him and he's not a bad father. He just doesn't think his actions through and seems to have no concept of 'what if'

"Hes not a bad father"..."he just doesn't think his actions through or have any concept of what if"
...
OP if he doesn't put the children's safety first and formost then he's either a) selfish irresponsible and thoughtless
Or b) incapable /intellectually stunted.
Either way absolutely NOT a good parent he may not be an abusive dad but he most certainly not a good dad - and with respect, it's a bit insulting to all caring considerate good mothers and father's to have the bar set so low, as to classify someone who cannot even think about or consider their own children's safety as 'not bad'.

I mean he's not a bad father as in that he's fun, the children adore him, he's kind and does his best to make them happy. They are unaware of his stupid and dangerous mistakes.

That wouldn't have made him a good father though. Not unless Bodger and Badger was some kind of criteria.