Overreacting?

[dominiquew]

So I am 22 and I have an 11month old daughter and my partner (her father) has been less than helpful since her arrival last year. He doesn't change her nappies and he's never bathed her. He has recently started a new job this week and some mornings wakes in a foul mood. Some days he won't say good morning, or even address his daughter.
We have had occasions where he tries to hold ALL the finances, we have moved to a location of his choice so it's difficult for me to see my family or friends as I don't drive. He seems very paranoid in the relationship, especially if I miss his calls. He woke up this morning and first thing he says "it looks like you have been out in those new heels you bought" I hadn't, but that's not the point why are you inspecting my shoes first of all, and so what if I had been out?! I'm a new mum and always put my daughter first so I barely buy myself anything nice and new.

Please let me know if I'm being unreasonable or if I should tell him to sling his hook!

Tell him to sling his hook. You would have a much happier and mentally healthier life without him.

Are your family supportive? I'd be very tempted to go to them for help, if so.

My family have said many times I'd be better off without him, it's not a very happy household anymore. I just wanted some more advice before I make my final decision. I absolutely have to put my baby girl first

He does sound awful.

But is this the whole picture? He sounds controlling, jealous and moody.

He also doesn't sound like a great or attentive father. But are there any good sides?

I can't see my husband's good sides when he has annoyed me but he has loads.

What does he bring to your life? What are the benefits of being with him?

Don't get me wrong, he plays with his daughter but that is really about it.
We have shared some lovely memories together but also have been put through hell being with him, he has accused me of poisoning him, of smashing his phone... the list goes on. There has been some domestic violence within the relationship also, I'm just at the stage where as a young mum who has some friends that have had children the same time as I did, all I see is their happiness. Nobody is dealing with the things I have been, it's very sad.

You need to get out of there. Anyone who's in a violent relationship should get out.

He's clearly paranoid. Is he taking any kind of drugs?

I think you're at risk of further violence from him. The way he's asking if you've been out sounds very scary.

Thank you so much for your responses, I think you're probably right. He has been knows to smoke marijuana which I think has a huge part to play in his paranoia. But the way it has been getting worse and like you said, him asking if I have been out is scary. It's just hard on me as my mum has medical issues and my sister only lives in a studio, I need to get some legal advice and help because I'm at my wits end with it all

What is your housing situation? Did you move into his house, is it owned or rented, if rented is it private or HA?

We are private renting and are both on the tenancy

Definitely leave. This will end in tears. Build a happy life for you and your daughter
Women's aid are v helpful.

Thank you so much, I will contact Women’s aid

He has been physical with you too? Definitely leave.

You are still young, get out while you have your whole life ahead of you, don’t wait 20 years and regret not taking control of your happiness.

You only get one life, you don’t get a redo if it didn’t work out how you’d hoped.

The domestic violence in your relationship is woven throughout it. The things you described in your first post alone set off massive alarm bells. His behaviour isn't accidental, any times where it's escalated into physical violence have been part of the bigger picture of him trying to control and demean you at all times.

Abusers resort to physical violence when all their other tactics for controlling you have not had the desired result. It doesn't happen without all the other abuse and control. It's always part of a wider pattern of abuse. However, it can be hard to see that when you're in the thick of it and are being subjected to manipulation, mind games, being worn down by constantly walking on eggshells, and if you're not aware of how abuse works.

I'm glad you're calling women's aid. The Freedom Programme were a massive help to me as well. It would certainly settle your doubts about whether this is normal or not (it categorically is not). You deserve so much better.

Stay safe. Don't tip him off to what you're thinking until you have a safe plan to leave/get rid of him. Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time - it's their ultimate loss of control over you.

Don't be surprised if he turns on the fake grief and begging, pleading, apologising, wailing, promising the earth, as much as threatening and accusations. FP can really help you prepare and protect yourself from his manipulation and mind games. Once you know they're operating from the abuser's handbook it's much easier to stand firm and not be affected by it.

P.S. Getting you and your daughter away from him and building a happy, safe and healthy life for the two of you, where you will be able to model healthy relationships for her, is probably the greatest gift you could give your daughter.

Oh OP get out while you still can. This sounds so much like my neighbour's daughter, she's recently had a baby, there's DV, he smokes weed and is awful to her. She called the wedding off last month after he threw a tv at her, we all celebrated. Couple of days ago she announced the wedding is back on, we are all so scared for her, her parents, my mum, me, her friends have all tried to talk to her. He starts being nice to her, she goes back to him and the whole story starts again