As the title suggests basically.
I had posted on here for years under different names, wondering if my husband was abusive and whether I should leave him and every time I did there was a resounding yes from the mumsnet community.
Looking back I can't believe I even questioned whether he was abusive. Being punched in the face should have clarified that for me (but it only happened once so I questioned it). Being told when I could see my friends, harassing me at work until my boss told me it was him or them (he didn't like that I worked in corporate finance in an office full of men). Calling me names, expecting me to look after our kids singlehandedly - he had never done a night feed or changed a nappy or got up with them in the morning. Yelled at me for hours for spending too much money on christmas decorations (I was pregnant). He would wake me up if I rolled over in the night to face the same side as him because he didn't like our faces so close together (instead of rolling himself over). The list goes on and on, but you get the drift.
We have 4 kids. He had told me that if I ever left him he would get 50% custody so he would'nt have to pay child support. That he would quit his job and move to another country so he wouldn't have to pay me etc...
SO.... last year I found out I was pregnant for the 4th time. I was on the pill so it was a huge shock. On the same day we found out our youngest boy was autistic. We have another autistic son and an older son who isn't autistic. They are 5,4 and 2. This was the catalyst in me breaking up with him if you can believe it. He was so horrible and unsupportive and spent most of his time out on our farm rather than being with me and the kids. I understand that this was his way of dealing with the pregnancy and finding out 2 of our kids were autistic, but that was the final selfish straw that broke the camels back. Oh and him deciding to buy a $105,000 sports car on a whim even though I said it was a terrible idea (we have 4 kids and needed a bigger house).
One morning when I was 4 months pregnant we got into a huge fight because he wanted me to give him a haircut as I was trying to get the kids ready for school. He was yelling at me, calling me a selfish bitch because I wouldn't cut his hair (here I am trying to dress my kids and feed them breakfast because they can't dress or feed themselves). He stormed out to work, slamming the door. I sat there in tears. Then I wrote him a note saying I wanted to separate. I left it on the kitchen bench and took the kids to school....
I am 31 and we had been together for 11 years.It has now been 6 months since we separated and only now do I see the extent of the abuse, control and manipulation. I am so glad I got out when I did. After having 3 boys I had my beautiful baby girl 10 weeks ago. He still hasn't even held her. He wasn't at the birth and he hasn't even had any of the kids to stay with him. He got himself addicted to cocaine and xanax and spends his time partying rather than seeing his kids. But I don't mind because it means I have them with me all the time, which I love. His threats were totally empty and I was so scared he would go for 50% custody it took me a lot longer to leave him than it should have. I should have known he wouldn't miraculously become a parent just because I walked out. He liked having the kids around, but hated everything else that went with it.
I moved out of the family home because he said he was going to move in and get it ready for sale, this was 4 months ago and he hasn't done anything and half the mortgage is coming out of my child support. I am trying not to fixate on the unfairness of that because I am free. I have my children with me. I have the rest of my life to live without his toxic presence ruining it.
This is probably a total rambling rant, but it felt good to write to down :)
So if anyone actually got to the bottom of this,I am single, I have 4 kids, 2 of them have autism, I am 31 years old, living in a rental property for the first time since I was 19, getting child support and I've had to claim benefits for the first time as I have a newborn baby..... but I have NEVER BEEN HAPPIER.