Absent parent not attending children’s hospital appointments

[Pixikitten0123]

Hi, my daughter had a couple of pretty major hospital appointments this week and even though I’ve made her father aware twice of them he didn’t show up. Her consultant yesterday was asking me why she’s never met him and that she felt he should be there to support and also be fully informed of her serious medical conditions and treatment going forward. This obviously put me in an awkward position. I personally feel that to not be there for her is morally wrong and a form of child neglect. Am I correct in thinking this? Is it legally child neglect to not be involved?

I don't think it's legally child neglect because she has a parent there but it's shitty behaviour from him

When you say you "made her father aware of them", did you specifically ask him to come? In my experience many men need to be asked explicitly,
otherwise they think you're just keeping them updated.

Why should he need to be specifically asked to come to his child's serious hospital appointment? Shouldn't he have enough compassion for his child to want to go? Sorry but that argument doesn't work for me.

Morally wrong - yes.
Legal neglect - no.
Tell the consultant you have told him about the appointment and he has chosen not to attend.

He was informed twice by text message - yesterday’s was to get some important test results back. She’s high risk of death due to her conditions. He’s not made any form of contact to find out how it’s gone either. As it stands she’s got to have two further investigations done with one being of significant danger to her - I’ve been warned that she could die if she develops complications. Then if all goes well she might be having pretty major neuro surgery which also runs risks. He knows how serious her condition is and personally I don’t think I should have to ask him to attend. As her father he should be concerned for her well -being and educate himself about it and be able to have any questions answered by the medical professionals dealing with her.

I did show her consultant the messages I’d sent

It’s shit of him but not legally wrong. It would only be legally neglect if neither of you were bringing her to her appointments. how much contact does he have? I would mention it to him when he comes to pick her up, as in “are you ever planning to come to her appointments?” Do you think it might be a way for him to bury his head in the sand as to how sick she is?

to you for having to deal with this awfulness

Of course he should be there and of course he should show he cares but unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do to make an absent father be an actual parent.
Don't expend any further energy on this man who seems incapable of thinking beyond himself concentrate on your DD.

Not the same but my ex was in complete denial of one of the dcs learning difficulties and subsequent ASD diagnosis. Ex didn't want to know because he didn't want to deal with it/his dc. Blamed me rather than parent.

I’m so sorry you and your daughter are going through this

It’s not legally anything. You could still be together, he could be working abroad, he could be at home looking after other children, there are lots of reasons both parents might not be at the hospital with a sick child.

He is an absent parent. Which is shit but he isn't legally obliged to attend and it's not neglect.

I do however, think your consultant should not be commenting on him showing up or why she hasn't met him. Or be reading your texts messages.

I have had lots of medical appointments for my kids and the consultants have never asked where their dad is.

Also it's not awkward for you. Just tell them he isn't involved.

These are the only children he has, he didn’t show up for contact last weekend either. It’s a pretty messy divorce at the moment and I honestly think he’s using the kids to upset me and get back at me - very immature behaviour in my opinion. All the divorce crap should be put to one side to deal with her.

Contact is eow and the kids have a phone for contact whenever he chooses - not one call/text made as of yet

It’s not neglect, he’s just an arsehole.

Of course any normal loving parent would want to be at their sick child’s hospital appointments, barring illness, emergency or being physically unable. My ex husband is a knob but always tries to be there for our DDs appointments, despite being in the military and sometimes physically unable to attend.

The consultant can ask why she hasn’t met the child's father especially with such a poorly child, but you are not responsible for his lack of interest! You are not responsible for explaining his behaviour. He is an adult. All you have to say is “I told him about the appointments but he hasn’t replied and obviously isn’t here”. The consultant can then draw their own conclusions which are in no way linked to you.

I think she has already. She did mention that she was worried about me - the stress is immense as her condition could change at any point

So sorry you're dealing with this.

Your ex is just scum.

I wouldnt say he is absent if he has contact with them. an absent parent is someone who doesnt have any contact with their kids. its not neglect and legally he doesnt have to see them at all. although it is wrong morally.

Not neglect no, couples who are together may only have one parent attending due to other commitments etc.

You'd like to think he could put aside the messy divorce and be there but there are two sides to every story.

The consultant was out of line asking where the father was, it's none of her business and not relative to the treatment or care.

Tbh i think it was wrong of the consultant to pass comment, regardless of how serious her condition is. He would have been better of asking if you had any support from family in general.
My children have had hosp app and their father hasn't attended or made comment even when he has seen consultation letters. Given though that they were not serious.
This is his problem and not yours and certainly not your children, if he understands the seriousness of these app but doesn't get involved there is nothing you can do.

Dont waste your energy on him you need it for your children, continue doing a good job.

I suppose it's of relevance to the consultant because the father has parental responsibility as well and might suddenly decide to get involved without understanding the dc's condition properly.

I think that as the non resident parent the EX has a parental responsibility to be present at these important medical appointments to learn how to care for child with very serious medical condition during his solo caring time with drudgery. His absense could through wilful lack of knowledge endanger drudgery due to her medical condition.
The consultant has raised this issue from a coencern for the patients welfare.
It isn't enough for the resident parent to be there and know what needs knowing because she won't be there when Dd is at contact with non residents parent.
Therefore I personally think that yes EX is failing in his PR to dd.
I think OP should email this concern to the EX detailing the consultants adobe and findings and make a specific point that the EX is potentially placing dd medically / welfare at risk by his non involvement which impacts on contact due to safeguarding implications.

Dd not drudgery.

Advice not adobe

I agree and think the consultant does too. She only asked as my ex went to see her epilepsy nurse and without asking me told her that the family were experiencing difficulties and we had split up - he’s asked for copies of letters sent to him but I think I should have been asked before he told medical professionals - her treatment is completely separate to our family issues.

How does your DD feel about her dad not being there?