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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I end it? Marriage

20 replies

Chz1981 · 09/06/2018 10:05

Hello,
I am so nervous about writing this as probably the first time I have actually thought....it could be ending! Here goes,
I have been with my husband coming up to 16years, we have 3 children together!
Over the last year we have had so many disagreements and I just don’t get answers he shuts me down so the issue gets put on the back burner UNTIL I have had a drink and it’s explosive, I recently found an email on his phone that he signed up to dating website and another app called kik!!! Apparently that’s all in my head and it’s not first time I have saw this stuff in his phone first time was years ago!
So last night he said ‘I have been thinking of leaving you’! And I TRIED to have a conversation about it but again shut me down! I feel like I should just walk away from our marriage and don’t try and work this out for my own sanity

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 09/06/2018 10:29

I agree it sounds like you should walk away from the marriage.

Original poster
Chz1981 · 09/06/2018 10:32

sad times

OP posts:
Nellia · 10/06/2018 08:13

Dating sites and kik. Not a good sign looks as if you are both unhappy together.
You know you dont have to tell him you are thinking of leaving unless you want him to try and fix things you could just pack up and leave.
However if your children are still young and you need him to leave the house go and see a solicitor to start proceedings you dont have to ask his permission.

Original poster
Chz1981 · 10/06/2018 08:31

There is something holding me back and I don’t know what.... feel sick, maybe because if I am being honest I do love him but I feel can’t so on with the treatment

OP posts:
Timeisslipingaway · 10/06/2018 08:40

If I were you I would have honestly said, ok leave then, goodbye.
You saw a dating website on his phone, yet it's all in your head Hmm

datingdisaster41 · 10/06/2018 08:44

Have you tried to sit down and have an honest conversation with him about what he said? That's quite a dramatic thing to say and he owes you a proper discussion (even though he clearly finds it difficult to discuss personal issues).

Original poster
Chz1981 · 10/06/2018 10:49

I have been trying to sit down he avoids the conversation and then I get wound up! I just want an honest answer, it will be hard to end my
Marriage because I am not totally checked out! I know the man I married is still there somewhere, it’s communication break down but if I have to let it go I totally would as I have always said I just want to be happy above everything

OP posts:
shammy1b · 10/06/2018 10:52

Is it your own house or rented..how old are the dcs and I think he thinks grass is greener and once you or he moves out just hold head high..get ducks in order and move on gracefully..it will kill him watch.

lifebegins50 · 10/06/2018 11:04

I don't think its communication problem but deliberate strategy on his part to shut you down so his agenda dominates.

Please consider reading the verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans as it will explain the tactics and you may have a lightbulb moment.

I was like you, assuming if I said the right thing, talked at the right time etc we would have the breakthrough.The book helped me understand he didn't want mutuality, he wanted his agenda.I struggle to relate to someone so selfish especially as he portrayed himself differently for a long time so I always hoped the good man was still there.
The good man was however the illusion.

I would take his comment about leaving very seriously, it suggests he is planning an exit strategy.Do you have access to finances?

The not talking and denying apps is stonewalling and gaslighting..well known tactics.
It is a horrible place to be in as it can make you feel you are crazy and it invalidates you.Both tactics have signifcant impact on your mental health.

Do you have support? Start talking to family as it will take a while for those outside to understand.

Original poster
Chz1981 · 10/06/2018 11:48

Thanks I will look into reading that book! Yes when he made that comment it was the first thing that came to mind that he’s planning it! I don’t have access to funds I left work last year and went back to university so we only have his income which he hands over to me to run the home! We live in rented home and my dcs are 5,10,13

OP posts:
Original poster
Chz1981 · 10/06/2018 16:04

Thanks for all responses o have ALOT to think about

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 10/06/2018 16:18

I would have said try marriage counselling, but it sounds like he's checked out of the relationship.

Original poster
Chz1981 · 10/06/2018 21:15

I have just had conversation with him heated he said he’s not leaving if I wan to go then I am welcome to go! What do I do iam not leaving my kids

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 11/06/2018 00:08

Does he also want out of the marriage?

Don't worry yet, there will be a solution.He may relent so just give it a little time.

It might be worth seeing a solicitor but keep it quiet until you have ducks lined up.

Singlenotsingle · 11/06/2018 00:22

Well if he's not leaving, and you can't leave because of the kids, then you carry on as you are! Except that the idea will mature in his mind like a ripened cheese, and if he wants to split, he'll go eventually

Original poster
Chz1981 · 12/06/2018 13:33

Have a really emotional day! Sad times, feel so down and lonely even tho my house is always chocker.

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 12/06/2018 13:41

What do you do with your kids?

Well you leave and bring them with you of course.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/06/2018 13:42

What is the house situation?
I would suggest you find a solicitor and get some advice.
You will need to get some paperwork together.
Marriage cert for your divorce.
Somewhere safe - passports, savings info, account info, assets info, mortgage info, wage slips of his or at least his earnings, bank statements, pensions info.... and anything else you can think of.
He wants out.
He's met someone else.

Personally, I'd call his bluff.
If he has met someone then he will NOT want the kids around all the time.
Tell him you need some space and as he is refusing then you will move out.
You'll come round once a week to spend an evening with the DC and you want them every other weekend.
He will soon back pedal.
Unless.... of course he spends tonnes of time with the kids at the moment and does all the running around with them and is the main carer?????

Original poster
Chz1981 · 13/06/2018 06:45

He opened up a little last night, still denying anythink but I am close, we have aggred to see a Counselor! He works shifts so there be no chance of that working hellsbellsmelons! But thanks for the advice! I even went to a fortune teller last night I know not everyone is for them but I went and she seemed to think where going through a blip !!! Made me laugh really

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 13/06/2018 08:57

he said he’s not leaving if I wan to go then I am welcome to go!
So if he works shifts and he wants you to leave, what are his plans for the kids?
That would be my first question.
You know it can't work so why is he threatening that?

At least you are going for counselling.
I'd book it quick sharp.
I'd also bring up in those sessions about him seeing someone else!
It may not be the case. Let's hope not.

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