Help my with my relationship with 18 yo DS

[Flowersandthorns]

I have been struggling with this for a while so I am hoping maybe someone here can help.
I have 4 children, 18, 16 and 2 in Primary School. The older 2 with my first husband and second with my DS. My ex has a very different parenting style to me. I want to bring my children up confident and independent whereas he does everything for them and as small children there were no rules/routines.
As a 17 yo my DS decided to go and live with his dad as ours is a busy house, with so many children, and he told me he prefered the peace there. Also it was more of a lad’s pad as his Dad just lives with his friend. I found this hard but supported him.
Fast forward a year and he now has a serious girlfriend and they spend most of the week together either at her house or his. He is busy with her, a hobby and college, which I understand, but I rarely see him. He has become very close to her family. I have probably seen him half a dozen times this year. If his girlfriend comes they are just wrapped up in each other. I feel like I have lost my DS but I also feel that my younger children have lost their DB and they talk about missing him. I asked yesterday if all was OK and he said he has been busy with college. However, he did park outside our house the other day to go and see his friend nearby. I then said I’d only seen him 3 times in 2 months and no reply. Can anyone help me. I don’t what to do and feel heartbroken that I have lost him.

Your son is becoming a man so your relationship with him will have to change. Reading between the lines it sound like he may feel you don’t have enough time for him.

Can you invite him and his girlfriend out to dinner for a catch up?

Although my children are still young, my brother went through something similar. In his case, it was just a stage he was going through and he soon realised the importance of being close to his family, etc.

Could you perhaps arrange a family gathering and invite him and his girlfriend round? Or maybe a family day out and ask them to come along?

I would definitely try and include her in everything at the moment, otherwise he might think you are trying to keep them apart. You know what teenagers are like!

Can you invite him somewhere? To dinner maybe where just you and he can talk and catch up?
Or invite him and his girlfriend to yours but plan an activity - a board game night for example that requires participation and not them wrapped around each other.
What is his hobby? Is it something he can teach or include his siblings in?
It must be hard .......I have a ds16 and he’s getting so independent and now a girlfriend who he spends a lot if time with.

Your post is so sad and I felt I had to send you . My eldest is 18 and still at home and of course I see her for a moment here and there but not much! In fact we're having huge battles about getting her to the dinner table atm. I also remember being 18/19 leaving home and finding being with Mum irritating so only saw them every couple of months. My advice would be to keep yourself available, send him loving messages with no pressure and I am sure he'll come back to the fold later. It's painful though so be kind to yourself.

I think this is pretty normal at his age? I went 200 miles to uni at 18 and only came home for occasional visits I was pretty wrapped up in my own life. I don’t think you have lost your DS I think he’s just growing up. He has a steady girlfriend and a relationship with her family, a hobby and college - he sounds really well balanced and mature, confident and independent just exactly what you say you want for him. I’m sure you aren’t losing him OP x

Could you ask him over for dinner regularly as food is a big attraction for that age lads? Include his gf in the family meal so she gets to know all the little ones. Make it a positive experience. Or if you are in town near him ask him does he want to meet for a sandwich( food again!!)
Also don't put pressure as that drives them the other way. Send messages on whatsapp and tell him little things about the little ones as that keeps him connected. Send pictures of them doing silly things or winning a prize .
Call him for a chat but don't mention coming home just keep it lighthearted so he is not dreading your calls.
Even if he was living at home all along he could be off to college in another city and not be home too often. My ds was in college 4 hours away and only got home the odd weekend as worked there at weekend. He has now gone abroad for 3 months for the Summer. Its regular enough with that age so don't take it personal. Keep communication open with random messages and calls. Even if ye like the same programmes or he has a favourite team shoot off a message when something happens so communication is still happening.
I left home to go to college leaving siblings who were still in Primary school and many years later we are extremely close so don't panic.
Most important is no pressure as self defeating.

Thank you for all of your replies - they are much appreciated. I guess the reason I am finding it so hard is because it was so sudden. He was here everyday and then within a couple of weeks I only see him once or twice a month. There was no build up like there would be for Uni. I’ll do the things suggested here - some I have tried already. I am proud of how he has turned out and do tell him but just miss him desperately.

Can you speak to your ex husband and ask him to encourage your son to visit more ? Is there any tension between your son and husband

I tried to talk to my ex but he will never say anything to DS which could be perceived as negative and won’t help me. My DS spend my DD’s birthday with his girlfriend’s sister as it was also her birthday. He wouldn’t even speak to him about that.
My DS and DH don’t have a really close relationship as they are very different but they get along fine. In fact they get along better now that the time they do have together is less domestic!

Do you just want him ‘around’ or are you prepared to make space, time and energy just for him? Without him having to fit around younger children. Not easy in your situation but he could feel that you dont have time just for him.

It why would he want to spend your DD's birthday with her? He is bound to want to spend all his spare time with his girlfriend (plus her family if it means being with her)
I know it's hard but try thinking of him as a separate adult who you know for the time being - you wouldn't make demands on a separate adult would you?
He will come back but let him go to enable him to want to do so.

But not it!

Thank you for all your messages. Lots to think about.

All this is entirely normal. If I was your exdh, I wouldn't be pulling him up on it either.

I don't think it's unusual for a 18 year old not spend the day with his sister on her birthday. Did he call her? Get her a card or gift?

I assume his gf and her sister made a plan that he committed to. Did you invite to an event for the day or just expect he would spend the day with you all at your house?

If you want him to be independent, just ride this out.

I know when I was around the same age, I spent very little time with my parents. I then moved out at 19 and spent even less time with them.

Then as I got older and more settled, I started to miss them and appreciate them more and got close again.

It's totally normal.

Oh and yes, he will be all wrapped up in his girlfriend. Don't let that stop you Including her in invitations.

He was here everyday and then within a couple of weeks I only see him once or twice a month.

Totally normal at that age. As soon as they start getting into relationships they just disappear on you.

He's still your son. He still loves you. He just wants to spend all his spare time banging with his GF, not having cups of tea with his mum or hanging out with his much younger siblings.

If you put pressure on him or try to guilt him into seeing you, it will backfire. He will pull away further because he doesn't want to deal with the guilt trips. Messaging stuff like "I've only seen you 3 times in 2 months!" [which TBH is pretty standard for kids who have moved out and are in relationships] is just going to put him off getting in contact.

You have all given me the reality check I needed! Wish I had asked for advice on here before messaging him!