Always the fallback

[Cheeseandmarmitesarnie]

I’ve always been the fallback person. In my family, my sisters were very close (similar age) and I was left out partly because I was much younger. My parents preferred both my sisters to me and made it very obvious. It’s kind of set the pattern for my whole life.

When I was at school my ‘best friend’ was a bit of a user and always talked about her stuff and was not really interested in mine. This carried on into adult life and I ended the friendship a few years ago as it seemed so unbalanced. She wanted me to be her back up person but always wanted to do fun things with her more glamorous friends.

My husband was madly in love with me when we met (which I found overwhelming at first). We have had a stormy relationship and he’s been a bit abusive at times but I found some validation in the fact he really ‘wanted me’. But this has changed over the years into a hot and coldness, sometimes all over me but often preferring to hang out, and do nice things with, his mates. He has a very stressful job but takes out his stress on me and the children, comes home bad tempered every night but at the same time refuses to look for something less pressured and secretly I think he enjoys the status and having something to complain about.

I’ve had a group of friends from young children days who are great fun and one I have been closest to but am noticing she has distanced herself from me recently.

I’ve been in therapy for years with a lovely warm and honest therapist who I have asked about this and she’s genuinely doesn’t know why this keeps recurring. She has some quiet, more serious friends and values them for who they are.

Is it impossible to be friends with someone who isn’t the life and soul of the party? Can you really not care about someone because they’re there for you, because they’re quirky and a bit different? I’m not endlessly grim, I do like to go out and I like to have a laugh. But I’m a bit serious too and I guess intellectual, so I like to talk about life and ‘big issues’ rather than small talk, which I’m really bad at.

I find it hard because although one of my children is very social, the other one has similar issues to me and I can see it all happening again.

I feel really lonely and want to give up trying to be friends with people because it’s too painful to be rejected again. Should I just become a loner, dump the marriage and focus on doing things alone? Has anyone else experienced this.

I’m sorry this all sounds so depressing but I would really value some support and advice. Reading it back it also sounds like I don’t like these people very much. But believe me, I really loved them and valued them for years but just got disillusioned over time with the rejection and dismissal.

I think it's called being an introvert. I'm a bit like that - rubbish at small talk, not a giggler or a gossip, and sometimes feeling a bit on the outside. My sister was very outgoing, but I found her chatter quite inane sometimes. I'd rather watch documentaries on TV about trains, bridges, history etc. rather than soaps, Love Island, and stuff like that. I've come to the conclusion that if that's the way I am, then so be it. You can't change, can you? We are what we are, and it's as valid as anyone else. It's not a competition. Luckily, there are people - family - who appreciate us, and love us. Thinking of our DC who need and love us unconditionally, and luckily my dp is very loving and supportive, and appreciates not having his ears assaulted by girly chatter. That's the sort of man you need, OP. Believe me, you're as valid as anyone else. Just accept who you are, and cherish yourself . It's not you, it's all them others! Be happy!

I had to laugh in a thread about loneliness, rejection and isolation I only got one reply .

I get it though. It wasn’t a very uplifting OP and there’s probably not a lot anyone can say to advise me.

I am grateful to you though single for taking the time to respond. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with the introversion. The thing is though, introversion doesn’t mean being antisocial. I do like to be around people and I do like to do fun things. But more the theatre, cinema and dinners out than parties and bars (horror!).

I keep trying to cherish myself. And most of the time I’m honestly fine. Just from time to time I’d love to be the person people text to ask to the cinema or theatre (I do this!). But I suppose that when people are struggling themselves with life they want to hang out with the person who makes them wet their knickers with laughter, and forget their problems rather than the one who listens and supports.

I know I can be funny and positive too but it’s a bit of a vicious circle because when I feel lonely, I go into my shell and when I feel supported and cared for I can be warm and funny . Anyway, thanks again for your response and enjoy your loving family .

Love your OP name!

I understand where you're coming from. I too feel the need for a deeper level of conversation. I found when my children were younger I only managed to find 1 other female friend who I could fully relate to on this level and felt pretty lonely otherwise. As I've got older, I feel more settled with who I am and try to seek out those who share similar needs in their friendships. Having said that, it takes time to develop such bonds with people and work and family life simply don't allow for the intensity required to breathe life into such relationships. In general, though, through some interests I practise, I've found that life experiences do make people reflect and maybe more likely to delve into "the meaning of life"!

Do you have specific interests you can meet like minded people through? This might help you find the companionship you need. I know what you mean about the vicious cycle. I find myself not wanting to bother with others at time as people disappoint and don't reciprocate effort (apart from a few). But maybe it's worth bothering only with those who do reciprocate.

As for your DH, you talk of leaving the marriage. But would more friends in your life help to balance things? It's important to have an emotional connection with others to take the heat out our domestic lives at times.

Very wise words Dapple. Yes at times I need to balance things a bit more. Maybe I depend on my dh at times or my friends at others to raise my self esteem when I need to focus on myself and my own interests and activities.

I will keep trying and seeking out the right people for me. It is worth the effort and while I do get demoralised at times (like yesterday!) I do eventually renew my efforts and keep the faith.

Meanwhile there’s always and !

Cheese - I could have written your post (apart from the husband and kids). Before someone pointed out I was an introvert, I just thought I was weird. I was a summer baby,, so started school in the January, and everyone else had already formed their friendship groups. I was a really shy kid, and found the whole of school really hard,
although I do have friends now.

I tend to have an odd friend here or there, rather than a big group of friends, and most don't actually know each other (partly due to geography). I spend time with them one-on-one, rather than all together, so it's less overwhelming. I have always massively suffered with a fear of rejection, and am trying not to let it bother me, but it's not easy.

As I have got older, I have just realised that I like doing things on my own, and embraced it - travelling, going out for the day to another city, pottering on the allotment, going for a long bike ride. If I want to do something that my friends aren't into, or don't want to do, I don't let that stop me, and try to do it anyway. I try to think that I am getting the best of both worlds - a bit of time with my friends, and a bit of time to myself.

The marriage bit - not sure I can advise on that. My fear of rejection extends to relationships and I haven't had many, and have been single for several years. It's made me realise that some people, maybe me, are just supposed to be single.

I would maybe try to extend the circle of people you interact with - I made friends who were "more like me" at one job when I worked in a national news room in admin. A friend did the same as admissions secretary at a higher ed place. I made a really good friend at a climbing wall when I was just learning. Not saying you have to do these things, but maybe seek out like-minded people from the places they hang out.
Finally, one thing that helped me is realising that friendships you make as an adult, are very different from the friendships you make at school - less intense, because people have so much going on in their lives. They aren't the worse for that, just different. Once you realise that it isn't you that's causing that change, that it's just circumstance, it makes life a lot easier.

Chocoholic thanks for your very helpful post. How interesting that everyone who has posted has come with the same theme. We are all out there and struggling at times! I’ve noticed that there isn’t much sympathy when people post about being introverted on here. I think extroverted people think we’re being a bit self-indulgent.

But the world is definitely built for extroverts, which doesn’t make it easy. So much on television, the media etc is about how we should all have loads of friends and be out all the time having a great time. And I feel a bit inadequate at times. My dh is an extrovert, who everybody loves because he’s funny and can be very warm. He just doesn’t show that bit to me much these days! But from the outside everyone would think I’m the problem. I’m a warm person underneath but not very good at getting it across. I’m unusual as well as an introvert that I struggle in 1-1 unless I feel very comfortable with the person as I feel that the pressure is on me to be funny, entertaining etc, which I feel is a massive pressure. I think this comes from my family background, not being accepted for who I am etc.

I do have a couple of friends who get me. But I live in constant fear that they will dump me too!

But I totally agree with the idea of doing more things in my own. I kind of got out of the habit of it when the children were young as my husband was away/out a lot so I had to do most of the childcare. But there’s no reason why I can’t get back into it now. Thank you all on here. There is some very good advice and so lovely and heartwarming to have some support .

I’ve been in therapy for years with a lovely warm and honest therapist who I have asked about this and she’s genuinely doesn’t know why this keeps recurring.

Your therapist sounds a bit useless TBH. She doesn't need to be "lovely and warm" - she needs to be sending you to answer the difficult questions about your response to life events.

Interesting NottheFord. Could you say a bit more about what you mean? My response to life events? Are you saying I haven’t got over my parental modelling? Or are you talking about how I let people treat me badly. Are you saying I should accept myself more for who I am, or I should try to be different?

do you think your response to major life events, that you have experienced as an adult, is normal?

When you stop being friends with people, how does that happen? Do you tell them why or do you just stop? I'm wondering if something is going on with your boundaries so you give and give and feel resentful, then brick wall when people finally push you too far.
I can be like that and it's not hel0ful. Far better to tell people you feel they take and don't give (or whatever) and give them a chance to respond.

You’re only the fallback if you consent to be the fallback. Don’t cooperate with it.

I definitely identify with you too OP, I could’ve written most of your post. I’m constantly waiting for someone to text/call it’s to make me feel cared for.

I lost my mum nearly 6 years ago, and my eldest sister last year, I had deep connections with them, and struggling to find other connections, I currently feel very lonely.

I take your point Quentin. Yes I am trying to be more honest with people. The person I stopped being friends with wasn’t really available for introspection. She certainly wouldn’t have had an honest and respectful conversation with me.

Not finding the cryptic nature of your posts very helpful NottheFord. You tend to respond the way you’ve been brought up to respond. Difficult to know unless you’ve had other people around you with seemingly healthier reponses.

OP I can totally relate to you, I have also felt like the constant initiator. It's really hard not to take it personally and wonder if something is wrong with you but I think part of it is as you said, a mismatch in what people like to talk about and be around. It's far better to be by yourself than with people you can't be yourself with and I've started to do a lot of things on my own where previously I would've scrounged around for someone, anyone, to do them with.

It sounds like you're taking positive steps to work through your issues which is great. I think that the better and more secure you feel the less need you will feel to seek out others - you will naturally attract them with your positive energy and self-sufficiency and friends will be a bonus rather than a must-have. I try and focus on one or two connections and work on those but I know it's hard when even those people start to pull away!

Lifebeginner, thank you. Yes I know I have to work on things but it’s so helpful to hear from you and chocoholic that there are positive ways you can build your life. I know I cannot will myself to be a different person or to feel things differently. But that doesn’t mean things are helpless!

You must be so proud of yourself for all you’ve been doing. You’ve helped me to feel more positive about things and more resolved to make things different going forward

I was wondering similar about the therapist. It's great that you feel comfortable with her, but I'm shocked that she hasn't been able to offer any insights into the issues you've described. That's just not good enough and is not a great reflection on her competency.

There is a fairly clear pattern that the rejection and de-valuing you experienced as a child has shaped your adult life and relationships. You seem to have the expectation that you're not worth very much and therefore don't really deserve to be treated that well. That your needs are not important, and that your role is to make other people happy by meeting their needs instead of your own.

I don't think it's that you attract users so much as that they see your vulnerability and target you.

I'd also observe that there is no such thing as a relationship that is abusive sometimes, or only occasionally. It might be that abuse has only escalated to the point where you noticed it and identified it as abuse on those times, but abuse is about a pattern of behaviour that will be threaded through the entire relationship. There's no such thing as an isolated incident when it comes to abuse.

You mention how your husband comes home every night and "takes things out on you", blames it on work, but then does nothing to change it. You do understand that work is just his excuse for mistreating you?

The fact that you describe him as being so into you in the beginning that you found it overwhelming is a huge red flag, as is your description of the relationship as "stormy". Combined with your other comments, it sounds like it has been abusive from day one. This will have added to your sense of being worn down and alone. He too will have targeted you for your vulnerability, and it's why his love bombing and early intensity were so effective and had such a hold over you.

It's not a great reflection of your therapist's training and experience that she hasn't identified this either. Abuse can be tricky to identify because it's about the dynamics and patterns rather than clearly defined single incidents. But professionals ought to have educated themselves on it and be able to identify it.

Leaving your (abusive) marriage doesn't mean opting for a life alone. It means giving yourself the chance to build relationships with people who value you and treat you right. It means modelling for your children that they should not accept being mistreated, downtrodden and made miserable by the people in their lives who claim to care about them. (Which is currently what they see in the way your husband treats you and them).

I think you need to consider finding a different therapist or psychologist who has training and experience in the dynamics of abuse, who will be able to help you make sense of what happened in your childhood and how it's shaped the way you experience the world and view yourself now, and also help you to unravel what has happened in your marriage and just how abusive it really is.

If you stay with him it will only get inexorably worse over time. Do you want that future for you and your children?

Leaving is a process, it is hard, but until you do you can't really make much progress changing things and building positive self esteem, finding positive healthy relationships, and being able to build a life that makes you feel content rather than miserable.

I suspect it might seem too much at this point to look at resources on abusers, but I think Women's Aid and the Freedom Programme would both be great sources of help to you. If you can, I would really encourage you to explore those options, even if you can only bring yourself to do so in small doses initially.

One of the ground rules of the Freedom Programme is that you don't have to have any intention of leaving to attend it or contact them for support, and they won't instruct you to leave. You can just go and gather the information they can give you about what abuse looks like, what a healthy relationship looks like, and why you've ended up in this situation. Abuse is more subtle and gradual than using abusive language or aggression, although those are features. FP can give you the facts you need to make sense of your life and see a way forward.

I write this as someone who turned up to the FP adamant that I want being a used, that I was in the wrong place and didn't need to be there, and then sat in horror as they described my abuser in great detail and went through the catalogue of things that happened in my home that I had thought were all my fault or just how it was for everyone.

They knew nothing about me, I had told them nothing other than my first name; they were simply describing what abuse really looks like. And it matched my life.

I also found the book "Why does he do that: Daily wisdom" helpful. It's about finding a way to take control of your life and your future, whether you stay or leave.

Your life doesn't have to be the way it is right now, it can absolutely get better and change beyond recognition. I hope you're able to find a way forward.

*wasn't being abused

ShinySilverBeast you have made some very insightful points. I’m very touched that you’ve taken so much time to respond in such detail. Yes I think it’s a really important point that leaving is a process. Putting it this way kind of removes that all or nothing sense of if I don’t do it now, there’s no hope.

I think it’s difficult to see behaviours as abuse because in isolation they seem unimportant, even trivial. But as you say, it’s the patterns that tell the full story. The simple lack of respect and valuing you as a person that underpin them.

I will seriously consider the FP. Thank you.