RESENTFUL, MOODY BLOKE, OPINIONS PLEASE!!!

[harrassedmum]

Hi everyone, i am quit new to this so i apologise if youve heard it all before! dp is, on the whole a great bloke, ive known him for years although weve only been together 2 years. we have a 6 month old ds and he has taken on dd as his own, she is 2 1/2. From being a lone parent i didnt want to be stuck at home all lonely and miserable so got off my bum and went to college amongst other things, which is a side that he admired despit having a young, difficult baby. I have continued with this throughout having 2nd baby, as has he as he is also a student, though he also works full time. As you can imagine this leaves us very busy and tired and have the usual arguments, which we have always solved well. Through the summer i decided i wanted to carry on gettting out of the house for a break from the kids and started volunteer work, which he seems to resent like mad! The ill feeling has been unbelievable. He begrudingly looks after kids, but if i come home and try to talk about it, he goes in a mood and says hes not interested. I have really enjoyed it and thought he would be happy for me. He has made comments about it not bringing money in so i have now got a couple of part time jobs to take the pressure off him a bit, so he can cut his hours down, but if anything this has nade him worse. All he keeps saying is he doesnt want to loose me and he loves me but hes not happy anymore. I have my own ideas about why he feels this way, but would value anyone else's opinion or ideas of how to handle him.

Hi harrassedmum, dont worry, we all seem to have the same problems and we're always here to help.

I would say from just what you've said, it sounds like you two dont have a lot of time just you two, and I think that is what he is resenting and why he is "unhappy". Plus, I think he may be a little jealous that you're doing your own thing, and enjoying it, and he feels hes "stuck" with the kids, which is a typical bloke. My dd's father use to think of looking after dd as babysitting not actually spending time with his daughter.

I suggest maybe have someone else look after the kids for you two whilst you have some "us" time, so you can talk and be just yourselves with each other.

xxx

sorry typical bloke THING, i really should read what i type before posting

Thanks, its hard to get time as our parents have to look after kids while i am working so dont want to put on them too much, and he is working nights so the only time we get together is generally with kids. But yeah, it would be nice to have some more time together.

hello harrassed!!!
sounds to me that YOU are very "together" but he is having problems adapting to looking after the kids?

as much as you think men want to spend time looking after their kids- reality is THEY don't. They want to have selected enjoyable nuggets- and want all the boring/tantrummy stuff dealt with by someone else... (who can blame them, I would too!)
Think you need to come to some happy compromise- whereby you get to do what you want/need.. and so does he, if you can afford it, buy in that extra help.
It's all a bit hit and miss when you have kids - relationships can change so much.
Good luck anyway and enjoy Mumsnet!!

aww, it must be tough. i dont really know much of your situation, but a couple of suggestions. Maybe try to see if you could have a couple of days away together, or see if he could book a shift off work, and you make sure you have the day free so you have like a whole day together.

ooo just remembered (inspired by what unicorn said) most men dont always adapt to coping/looking after young children, so maybe he's finding this hard to deal with to. I know its been often said on here, and I do think its true

i think he is feeling insecure he has said he doesnt want to lose you - thats means he thinks that is possible and maybe needs a little reassurance, i think also it sounds like he is jealous of your activities because he feels excluded maybe, maybe you could try and arrange to do something together regularly...try suggesting that he will prob be pleased that you want to spend time with him. hope you work it out.

He does seem to get easily stressed with kids, loves them when they are being good, but cannot cope with them when theyre not. Will improve hopefully when we are back at college next month and kids are in creche, but then again we'll both have tons of work so it might actually get worse. Just up late tonight studying for another course with volunteer work and hes just sent a text from work saying he doesnt want to know and hes really not interested in anything i am doing with it! How can anyone be that petty about something i do for 3 hours a week! Think you might be right about jealousy thing, as i know he hates his job, but theres no reason why he couldnt do same sort of thing. Also dont mind him going for pint after work and that sort of thing, so cannot understand him at all. Thanks though guys, will maybe try suggestion of doing something together, though really dont feel like doing anything with him right now!

if he hates his job (and i know the majority of the time most people do) has he thought of maybe finding another job, one that he can work during the day perhaps so you two have more time together? Just a thought. From that text, it sounds like he's sulking (another typical bloke thing) and really he should be happy for you, but maybe he's resenting it because maybe he perhaps thinks that you two could spend that time together rather than you doing volunteer work.

Yeh, you could be right there, but i need the practical experience to go with course, so its not all just for the enjoyment. He doesnt like working days cos he never gets time to do anything. God he is awkward isnt he? I think you are right about sulking though, definatley!

WOA There! As a bloke I joined mumsnet (maybe I'm not meant to be here at all!) for all the useful information and advice it has offered me and my wife bringing up our special little 20 month old daughter.

Here's the deal. Both partners start the day with the same amount capacity for work/life/enjoyment/whatever.

Husband goes to work - uses 80% of it. Comes home needs to spend 10% of the remaining for himself for his own sanity. Wants to spend the rest with his whole family.

Wife spends all day looking after kids doing some not so nice things and some nice things (going to parks, toddler groups, meeting friends etc. etc.) comes home appears to have excess capacity to go off and do volunteer work, college courses etc. Doesn't spend time with family.

Husband would like to be able to do this to - but is frankly too tired.

Of course he is jealous!

You shouldn't read into the above that I think it is an easy job looking after kids on your own all day, because I know it isn't. But even this lunchtime as I franticaly raced round the supermarket I see it full of mums with time to spare wondering around with their kids - I'd love to be doing that! - We have fun when me and my daughter go shopping. Instead I have to rush back to my job and sit at my desk 'till 6pm.

This jealousy did cause our relationship a few troubles to begin with, but I have simply had to come to terms with the fact that it can't realistically be changed. But if my wife went off (and who knows met some handsome bloke??) doing volunteer work - it would rather rub salt in the wound.

Do you get it know?

It's interesting isn't it to see this site is called Mumsnet and not Parentsnet. What does that tell you about how women see themselves as the driving force behind their child's parenting? I'd love to be that parent, but frankly if we swapped roles we wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage.

Sorry that all sounds a bit moany and serious. It's meant to help and be in good humour.

ah but on the homepage it does say its by parents for parents! and of course you're welcome on here. but hannahken180 you did just make me realise i should point out, i dont have a very good opinion on blokes at the moment, so sorry if ive offended you with "typical bloke" comments

harrassedmum it sounds as thoughhe is feeling a bit neglated or not number one in yoour list of prioritise My dh works hard, I study hard and do volunteering woerk to gain practical experience. I know dh is proud of me but sometimes he resents it all - try to make him feel appreciated but also be strong and stick to what you need to do

Hi - it sounds like you've both taken too much on. Do you both really need to be studying at the same time? Life goes by in such a flash (especially the years when the children are young) that it seems a bit like an own goal to study now when you could do that when the children are at school perhaps? Perhaps if one of you gave up - maybe him - then he wouldn't need to work nights, if he worked in the day then you would have more time as a family in the evenings?

Hannahken, that's an outrageous post. Did you miss every decade since the 1950s? Do you want a medal for going out to work? Actually, I do that too. And I don't come home with an attitude that my dh and my ds are only getting ten per cent of me.
"Mums with time to spare shopping with the kids" ? duh, they are taking the kids shopping because they have to. It's not fun when you have to do it day in day out to fill the cupboards. Kids are often fed up and moany in supermarkets. As the working parent, when you get to go shopping with your dd it's a treat and an exciting event. It's not like that every day and it wouldn't be like that for you if you were at home all day.
I can't believe you are so convinced that staying at home is effortless. Do you see your job as a treat ('men with time to spare preparing a presentation'? Bet you see it as hard work. So why are you so ready to dismiss someone else's hard work as a 'treat'.
Suggest you take a few days leave, and see what looking after a child all day is really like ? don't just do the fun bits, do all the housework and admin that your partner really does, washing the clothes, cleaning up the potty training accidents, etc. etc.

Rogue winky no idea how it got in there.

Harassedmum, everyone else has given really good advice. Don't have anything to add except best wishes. Sounds like you are working really hard for your family and a shame your dp doesn't appreciate it.

Hi Edam

I take your points about something like shopping not being exciting if you have to do it all the time. Also I don't pretend that looking after DD is "effortless". I'm just trying to help harressedmum see the jealous element. I understand all the logic, but emotionally I still feel slightly jealous. Rightly or wrongly almost doesn't matter if the feeling is there and it is causing a problem.

I did take some time off last weekend and spent 4 lovely, but tiring days all alone with DD. It was most rewarding and my wife even commented how she had changed just in that time alone with me. Happier, chattier, better behaved, more confident - oh and the house was never cleaner or tidier. I even had time to do loads of paperwork and finances whilst DD was asleep that I hadn't been able to do before. 1 bumped head, 1 nappy getting on fight, 1 accident, 3 tantrums - She has almost given up with those now with me. I have taken to simply laying down on the floor next to her and copying her (in the privacy of our home I stress). She looks at me bemused, then looks rather embarressed and ends up laughing at me.

Well i do appreciate a mans point of view, as you say rightly or wrongly, it may be how he feels. But, i dont have 'excess capacity' to go off volunteering, i make sure i spend as much time as he can spend with me on an evening before work, and then i get back to housework (with a sneaky half hour on here mind) and that is also when i study, even if its till the early hours of the morning. So i end up generally doing a day that starts around 6 am (or 5 if hes woken me when he gets in), until whenever i go to bed on a night. I dont do things for myself very often, and to be fair to him, he does know and appreciate how many hours you do need to put in to keep the kids amused and house tidy. And as for shopping, edam you are spot on! I used to love any sort of shopping, but now its a nightmare, they are both whingy round shops and nicole is forver just pulling things off shops so i am constantly telling her off and i end up forgetting half of what i went for. I know what you mean about taking too much on vict, but we are both getting on for 30 now and a 3-4 year stretch on a course is going to leave us finishing a lot later than either of us want to. I also think that if i suggested he should give up, he would be even more jealous and resentful, as he did this with his last girlfriend and after supporting her for years, she got qualified and left him! If he is jealous though, what do i do? If i said i would give everything up he wouldnt be pleased because we need the money i bring in, even though its not a huge amount. I cant really seem to win.

sounds like dh is jealous or resentful of what you are doing. Had same problems when went back to work after youngest started school. question to find out is why dh is like this, if he's "on the whole a great bloke" whats made the change and what can put it right it.

Is it worry that you'll get qualified and leave? Is it because you get no personal time and dh sees your work as another threat? Is he a typical dh who expects you to be at home all day? are there other reasons that he might be bothered about you doing other things or being away from home.

dh can feel insecure and left out after new arrivals

I think his comment about not wanting to lose you is at the heart of this. His previous girlfriend left him so I suspect that is what is preying on his mind. I wonder if it might help to get this all out in the open - to actually say to him, "I'm not studying so I can leave you, I'm studying to build us a better life together because I love you" (if this is true!). It must be hard to talk to someone who is afraid of their own feelings, but it might help to acknowledge yourself what is going on. Once the subject is aired he might well want to come back to it and talk about it with you. It might also help to have this discussion out of the house over a drink or dinner. Have you ever really, explicitly said that you want to do the volunteering as a break from the kids? Because otherwise he might be imagining you want a break from him. He sounds insecure in your relationship and it might be a good idea to tell him that you do feel committed to it, and to bringing up your family together and you appreciate the fact that he is studying too so you can all have a better future together - not apart.

Thanks, i think youve both got it spot on. Had a chat with him tonight. Had to go to work this morning and as i dived out of bed to get ready, the mood came on again, but ignored it til tonight. He did say he wasnt aware how he kept snapping at me and he was worried that i would meet someone else who was 'better' than him. I think, although he claims he doesnt want a 'housewife', he did seem put out when i reminded him now im working he had to do half the housework!

I have said i wanted to get away from the kids, though jokingly (i do love them really!!), but he cant see the sense in that cos im going to help out with someone elses kids, and you can kind of understand that i suppose. Im trying to encourage him to do something he likes too, he used to volunteer teaching canooing and i know he'd like to do something like that again. We will have to see.

maybe he should stop worrying about losing you, and start worrying about what he says to you and how he snaps etc. But at least it sounds like you've made him realise that he is snapping at you and that he shouldnt be.

Yeah, weve had another set to tonight, and he knows what hes doing upsets me, but he does at least acknowledge hes worried, but what am i supposed to do, he cant keep me locked. Honestly, he'd think i was stupid if i made the same remarks to him!

he sounds very insecure, my dp was like that. he kept worrying that he was going to lose me etc. unfortunately i dont have any advice i can give you about that. even reassuring that you're not going anywhere doesnt help.