DH thinks I am too needy and controlling. I don’t know if I am.
He persuaded me to have more DC than I wanted to have, promising that he would be present and help with the childcare and everything else. It was part of a deal we made. I have a chronic illness which has flare ups, and I knew after I had two DC that I was at my absolute limit, on top of working part time and I told him so. DH begged me, we made the deal, in writing, and I now have 3DC under 3yo.
Then apparently things changed beyond DH’s control since DC3 was born – his business started going under, so he had to spend more time in work, his mother became ill who lives abroad and he has had to travel more, and since DC3 was born he has barely been present at all. I spend a lot of time alone, still working part time, caring for three DC and being ill. I hate life and I feel incredibly depressed.
DH says that his absence is due to his business and finances spiraling out of control and that everything he is doing to save it is in “our best interests as a family.” I believe him about that fact (that things spiraled out of control – I know it’s true) but I don’t know if that justifies the amount of time he has to be away, and on bad days I feel like perhaps I’ve been duped into having an extra DC so he can have the 3DC he always wanted, have someone to bring them up, but not have to be present.
I have become increasingly depressed and anxious. As I am so busy, I don’t get the opportunity to have much of a break or talk to anyone else, so DH is the only person I talk to, mostly instant messaging or sometimes calling in the evening. Because DH sees himself as some saviour of the family finances by going out and grafting, he does give himself breaks - absences on top of absences. "Chill out" time.
He says that I am very needy on the phone and “always complaining.” That it’s very hard for him to be with someone who is "constantly negative." That - deal or no deal – I can’t blame him for things that happened that are out of our control. That I can't blame him for the financial markets which made his business go under just when we had a 3rd DC. I say that I am living a life I did not sign up for. Apparently I have to accept that “life is tough” and sometimes I “just have to accept that things won’t be good all the time, and we all live lives we did not sign up for.”
Occasionally when he is home at a weekend, we will have a friend of mine over for a drink, because he is then around to help with the DC while I talk to my friend. He will then use this for weeks as a reason why I have a social life and how I am "always" socialising and it is not his fault that when I get a break I choose to socialise and "not rest" for my own health. That I don't help myself.
I sometimes try and account for his away time. Saying do you really need to be doing that, or going there? Is it really likely you will pick up business from this or that situation? When I am very ill or the DC and I are ill, I ask him to please come back, and he says all this is controlling of his time and I am not keeping the "big picture" in my head.
I have to be able to trust him to judge that the time he spends away is worthwhile for the family and justifies the toll it takes on my physical health. That hangs in the balance daily for me. Some days I think yes what he is doing is essential and this was a situation out of our control that happened. Other times I feel like I am being taken for a ride. It sounds very over-dramatic, but I feel like he wouldn't care if this killed me.
But I don’t know if the other option – LTB – makes life any better or easier for me. I can't afford childcare on my salary, even if I went full time. I think he would be extremely difficult over money, considering our situation he would think I had made it 100x worse financially if I tried to split, which he would argue was in the DC's worst interests because we’re already struggling as it is. And then there's the fact I would be completely alone with 3DC under 3yo, which is what I never wanted in the first place without a stable marriage and support.
Do you think I am wrong to feel so angry and resentful about it? What are my options?