Help! Should I stay or go?

[Lostwife88]

Hi, this is the first time I have posted but I just need to let it all out. I have been feeling Unhappy in my marriage for a month or so now. I met my husband when I was 16 & we have been together for 13 years. We have four young children together. I feel like I am living with a friend, He shows me no affection unless he wants intimacy. We went on holiday together with our children & all he wanted to do is sit by the pool on his phone whilst other dads where playing with there children & having fun. Not once on holiday did he say I look nice when we went out for an evening meal. He gets in from work & all he does is moan. Everything is grating on me, I just feel so sorry for my children as if we did split they would be devasted. I don’t even know if i could cope financially, so much is going through my head & I don’t know where to turn. I feel like we want different things in life but I’m scared to take the plunge & don’t know what to do for the best.

Why would your children be devastated, you cannot speak for them in such a manner. He can still see and be a father to his children post separation if he so chooses.

Seek legal advice, after all knowledge is power here. Change is new, its not to be so feared by you. Feel the fear and do it anyway. You only need to give your own self permission to leave and in turn not be dragged down by him any more. What do you get out of this relationship now in any case, what needs of yours is he meeting here?.

Better to be apart than to be so badly accompanied. You also met this person when you were 16 (was he of a similar age?) and had no real life experience behind you. You are miserable with him and your children would be far more upset if you were to stay with their dad simply because of them. Do not also think they do not notice your antipathy towards each other because they most certainly do, they pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken. They will not thank you for staying with him because it simply teaches them that their parents relationship was based on a lie. Its a terribly heavy burden to place upon a child. They cannot be used as the glue that binds you and this man together.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. Would you want this sort of relationship you have now for them, no you would not and its not good enough for you either.

I’m probably not the best person to advise you I’ve hot similar problems of my own. He sounds like he’s got in a rut of taking you for granted tbh and not bothering because he can get away with being lazy. You need to tell him to pull himself together and say you’ll not put up with his behaviour. Don’t know if it’ll work by the time I tried it it was already too late I think

He is 2 years older than me so we where both quite young, I'm not sure if the relationship is salvable. I feel like it has run its course & even if he says he will change & start making the effort I'm not even sure if I want that. I just still feel really confused about the situation, I know he will turn nasty when & if I end things. I tried to talk to him before about how I was feeling & it was sort of brushed off. Thank you for replying ladies. It's nice to hear other peoples views & advice.

I’m concerned to hear you say he’ll ‘turn nasty’. Is he abusive (emotionally or physically?)

No he is not abusive physically. We had an argument a while back & he said he would take the children away from me if I ended things. I know he wouldn't be able to do that but it has sort of stuck in my head even though his only said it the once, He wouldn't be mature about the situation once he knew it was definitely over & would try to hurt me emotionally.

That's a mean thing to say. Doesn't sound like he would much enjoy being the primary carer so he's probably bluffing to upset you but I see why that fight sounds scary. You say you've felt this way for about a month? How did you feel before that? Did something happen? Or was it just the unsatisfactory holiday that made you realize how you were already feeling?

(Sorry maybe too many questions there)

It's probably been more than a month on & off feeling like this but I have been sort of getting on with it. The holiday seemed to make me feel stronger in the feelings of leaving him though. We have had a bit of strain on the relationship as I would like to move out the area & he isn't ready to move. I am unhappy where I am living bringing up our children here & he wants to stay her a few more years, I feel a bit stuck like there's no way out. I want a better life for my children (the area we are in is horrid) & he seems happy just to plod along. We don't even sit in the same room of an evening, his doing one thing I'm doing another. He doesn't want go out as a family, it's always me & the children out together where I think he should make an effort & come aswell.

He makes no effort with me or our children. I sit here sometimes and think what am I doing? But then I contemplate the situation & the stress of a divorce etc, Knowing how he is going to be if we do break up. I don't know if I'm mentally strong enough, do you know what I mean? It's so hard.

What about having a completely honest chat with him? His reaction should tell you all you need to know. He will either be desperate to put things right...or he won't.

When you were on holiday did you point out to him that other fathers were spending time with their dc?

I'm going to talk to him today. See what happens as I can't go on like this. yes I pointed it out on holiday about the dads in the swimming pool teaching there children to swim & playing with them & he said it was to cold to go in. I was the one going in with them everyday & playing with them. Thank you ladies for letting me get it all off my chest, I have no one to talk to about this & I feel a relief already just letting it all out. It was the first time I have posted & you all have been lovely. Thank you!

Good luck!