Coping with severe sibling jealousy

[egdehsdrawkcab]

Sorry, long.

I'm stuck in a really hard place between my sister and my mum.

I'm the youngest of two. DSis is older by a couple of years, recently had her first child, just moved house, happily married. We were very close growing up and still are, but I know she has big problems with me, always has done. I can't ever pin my finger on it, but boils down, I think, to her seeing me as the 'princess/high maintenance type'. Perhaps I am a bit, but meh, I don't involve anyone else in my desires for a nice home, nice things etc. Certainly don't inflict it on DSis. Disclaimer- they are struggling a bit financially since recent house move, we are comparatively very comfortable. I don't want to assume material jealousy is behind a lot of this, but I think it plays a part. I recently heard she has said to other family members that I clearly only married DH for money (so very far from the truth).

My DH lives/works abroad and I have 2 young school age kids. I happen to live very close to my mum, and she helps me work my job by picking the kids up from school on the days I go to the office. She also hangs out here a lot, we get on well. She takes my eldest swimming once a week as I can't get to the lesson.

DSis also gets on with Mum, and Mum does one full day a week childcare for them, plus quite a bit of evening babysitting.

On paper it's probably reasonably fair, but Mum does perhaps have a better relationship with my kids (their DD is only just 1yo still), she can do more with mine etc. I also get more of the ad hoc/emergency help, probably because we are virtually next door.

Mum is getting older and can be a bit flaky, forgetful, and frequently ignores my wishes for healthy snacks for the kids, but it's free childcare and not the end of the world IMO. DSis takes huge offense if Mum is ever even so much as late to hers, 'you'd never be late for Egdeh' etc.

DSis is getting increasingly irritated that I get more of mums time, and that Mum would seemingly gravitate to my place rather than theirs. It's coming to more and more of a head as I hear of frequent rows between them, DSis calling Mum unreliable, accusing of favouritism, lots of calling out behaviors etc.

DSis who I'm very close to then calls me, terribly upset because Mum has stood her ground - Mum says if I get more help it's largely because I'm one parent with two kids, Mum sees that I probably need a bit more support just now.

Yesterday they came to huge blows, and are now not talking.

Any advice? Is it unfair? Or is point scoring useless? I'm very conscious of how much help I have, but I never ask for it, I'm eternally grateful, and is certainly not assumed or an entitlement. The way DSis carries on is like she's entitled to mums help, even when she's rude to her. What can I do? Who needs a shake? Should I step out of the argument? I don't want to get involved but they both draw me in.

Any advice much appreciated

How is Dsis coping with the new baby? you say its recent and she's just moved house. I would imagine that she is coming from a place of raging hormones and fatigue so getting stressed and lashing out at your mum who probably isn't quite as punctual as she once was.

I'm sure they'll be fine, just try and put the other side of the argument to each one gently ie. Sis is just very stressed and tired, or mums not getting any younger, I don't think she does do more for me but she is getting older I think she's finding it harder.

Severe? Severe jealousy? Bloody hell, you should have my sister!

This isn't severe jealousy, it's normal jealousy. And absolutely bog standard for siblings. This is how it goes for most families, regardless the age of the siblings.

(I'm not suggesting all siblings wrangle like this but this script is definitely present under the surface!)

Ok I guess on reading it back it doesn't sound too bad.....but she is taking it all terribly. All sorts of threats and noise about irrepairable damage etc.

It's possibly less about what's actually happening now, which does all seem fairly equitable, and more about some long held grudges/issues from childhood. Were you the prettier, more popular sister? Did life seem comparably easier? Does you mother maybe need to give her some reassurances that she's equally loved? Or it could just be that the new baby, the house move and the money issues are overwhelming and she's struggling to cope. It's difficult for you, though - I think you're just going to have to stay as neutral as you can and try not to get too involved in what's going on between them.

Severe sibling jealousy no typical jealsous maybe but it sounds like you get more support. My db was extremely jealsous of me. My crime for being born. I was the only girl, youngest. Yet throughout my childhood he made my life a living hell even my eldest db commented on db2 dislike for me. He would spit in my hair, wipe snot on my cutlery so I wouldn’t eat my dinner and watch the fireworks where my parents would punish me for being naughty for refusing to eat. He would belittle me at every turn.I’m nc with him now. What you describe isn’t in the same league.

My first reaction was a bit of PND as its an over reaction. Who would be so rude to a gm who was actually coming to help. Unless she has always been a drama queen it sounds lke more a change in personality which may suggest PND.

My dh has sisters like you. The truth is the younger really does monopolise the help, also quite princessy and demanding. If I were you I would step back and think - if I asked for less could I free up dm to help dsis more? Be selfless and see if it helps. It sounds like your dsis could be struggling with the move and the little one. She may also feel that with older dc you’ve had your ‘share’ of help already.

Whilst others are suggesting this is normal, to some degree it is however I think a lot depends on other factors too. Similar situation in my family tbh, I am the "golden child" with my sister very clear about expectation around childcare of her children etc. No body challenges my sister and as a family we seek to please and comply.

Our mum used to provide equal amounts of childcare and I have a very good relationship with our mum, however the relationship between my sister and mum is strained. 10 yrs ago my sister made similar snippy comments which we all accepted, until I didn't we had a big fallout and my sister went nc with me. Then an ultimatum was laid down to our mum either her or me. Our mum refused and sister went nc with my mother.

I would encourage you to support your sister, but be honest don't just nod and accept because this has encouraged her behaviour and it can get so much worse!

Sounds like my family, elder siblings has always got and will continue to get much much more help and support as 'thats what they've always done' and parents can manage their older DC but not my younger. So have just been told that's how is going to be. It's maybe a bit dramatical from your point of view, but it is a bit hurtful and feels rejecting of my child! (Which from a detached point of view l know hope is not true)

Could you help each other a bit rather than both relying on your mum?