DW contacted on FB by man - AIBU

[EdwardEB]

Hi All

Just trying to get a sense of perspective and opinions on this.

DW the last few weeks has been very distant and not very communicative so I decide to approach this with her, saying this is what I've observed, if there was anything she wanted to talk about, just trying to find out what was up.

After a few minutes of denial, DW then brought up out of the blue that she had been contacted by an old male acquaintance (almost 20 years ago) on FB messenger, and that he had asked to meet up.

She told me she had been chatting with him for a bit, that he was married, but just wanted to catch up.

Something to me just didn't add up, she was being very cagey and defensive about this so I asked whether she was happy to let me see the messages, understandably she was very angry on this but agreed.

So here it is:

First of all he had initially messaged her at 2am in the morning, (not a good start in my book) and that he had 'stumbled' across her on FB.

DWs FB account is locked down privacy wise to stop random searches, and they have no mutual friends on FB either, so I find it very difficult to believe he just 'stumbled' on her account, especially as her surname has also changed twice since he knew her.

DW replies (not at 2am though, later in the morning) saying it had been a long time etc.

Guy then immediately launches into how he and his wife separated a couple of years ago, going through a divorce, and makes a comment that due to DW's name change she must have gone through the same thing, where was she living that sort of thing.

DW responds with where she's living now, and confirmed that she had split up from first husband.

Guy then responds that he lives close by, mentions his impending divorce again, and asking about situation with kids. At this point he is also liberally adding lots of 'xxxx's at the bottom of his messages.

DW responds telling him about kids, and just what they are up to.

Guys next response is to say he has been in a couple of relationships since he split from his wife, that he is seeing someone currently but its 'early days', that he is a much more calm and balanced person now and then goes into a bit of a rant as to how his (soon to be ex wife) has got the car money etc, but she's not really that happy.

DW responds along the lines of sounds like it was a tough time, and then diverted the conversation telling him where she was working now and again mentioning the kids

Guy then responds, 'weird coincidence' but I got offered a job same place as you (doesn't say if he actually accepted it though) then starts to offload about his (soon to be) ex wife again, that she didn't help him through a health scare, she was only working because she had to etc.

Immediately following this he then asks DW if she would like to meet up, offering the choice to decline if she felt it was a 'bit weird'.

DW responds that it may be nice to meet up and to suggest a date.

Guy responds that he works weekdays and isn't around at much but would evening be appropriate as she's married. Then goes on to mention that he may be able to work from him if they could arrange to meet up during the day.

At this point DW says she'll look at some dates and let him know

Guy initially responds sure no pressure, but has now messaged a few times as DW has not been in touch since.

So apologies thats a bit lengthy but wanted to give you the context.

I have to admit that I'm not happy - DW has not been completely open about this, certainly made no mention of it to me until I asked if there was anything bothering her, and was initially very defensive. She initially told me this guy was married (didn't mention he said he was divorced), and didn't tell me he'd asked to meet up. Not once in any of her responses to this guy did she mention me either, that she was happily married, just that she had kids, that divorce was horrible and that you've got to do what you've got to do.

It was only when I asked her how if the roles were reversed how she would feel, and that she allowed me to see the conversation, where I discovered she wasn't being entirely honest about some of the things said.

I do feel like I've potentially prevented at least an emotional affair here and certainly I don't think this guys motives are sincere or that he wants to catch up for old times sake, or would you say I've misread this?

I am also questioning things as I recognized the name of this guy as someone my wife has told me years ago had been abusive towards her previously when she had rejected his advances, yet I don't understand if this is true why she would even accept a message request from him almost 20 years later?

I don't think this guy was trawling facebook at 2am in the morning, then offloading his emotional turmoil over his impending divorce, trying to make an emotional connection, and then immediately suggesting a meet up, or even to work from home so they can meet up as innocent.

For me its also raised some trust issues with DW, though I can see from the messages that she's not engaged to the same emotional depth that this guy has until the point she committed to meeting up, and then DW is adamant that she started to think this wasn't right, however its difficult to believe her when she's kept this hidden from me.

Does anyone else think theres a huge red flag here? I certainly do not trust the motives of this guy, and I do trust DW but don't want her to meet up with this man. I don't understand why she would engage with someone who (according to DW) couldn't take her rejection all those years ago.

Thanks for taking the time to read through that.

Ed

As I read down that run down of the messages I was braced for something incriminating but I didn’t see it. He sounds a bit of a desperate knob but your wife seems to have just been colleague-level friendly.

She probably didn’t meantion it as she knew how you’d react and based on her responses to knob-bloke I think you need to have a hard think about what your motivating is here. This bloke may or may not be trying to try it on but your wife hasn’t done anything cheating-like and I do t know where you get the idea that she was going to have an emotional affair with him from.

Presuming you haven’t been a dick to her about this - she didn’t ask him to contact her - you could say you’d prefer she didn’t meet him but personally I think you shouldn’t. If that thread proves anything it’s that you can trust her.

*dont (not d nt)

I personally wouldn't be happy with this , the fact that she didn't mention you doesn't sit right . If I genuinely wanted to meet an old friend purely on a platonic basis , I would mention it to my partner. I think you're right to be wary.

Wary is probably about right. Could be she feels a bit uncomfortable because she feels like he's being a bit inappropriate (kind of feels to me like he is) and just wasn't sure what to say to you about it. If he's been abusive to her in the past he will know exactly how to put her off balance. Does she actually want to meet him? How are things generally between you at the moment?

Oh I wouldn't be happy with this. Like you say, this is how emotional affairs at the very least can start.

Though I have been through cheating, messaging other people behind my back with ex partners so I would automatically expect this to happen. If you've never been cheated on then you may think these messages were harmless.

If I were your dw, I would of been honest about the messages from the very start. I may not have even replied. If it were my dh, again, I'd expect him to be honest from the start also.

And I'd be pee'd off that I wasn't mentioned in any of these messages. That in itself is a red flag.

*If that thread proves anything it’s that you can trust her.
*
Completely disagree. She hopefully changed her mind and that’s why she hadn’t got back to him with dates, but the fact she went into detail about divorce and kids, but never mentioned you, plus wasn’t honest with you about his marital status, there was a reason for all of that. And I can’t think of a good one.

I wouldn't be happy either, the bloke sounds like he's desperate to put his cock away but if he abused your wife then why did she start talking to him again and not mention it to you?

People often have weird relationships with their abusers.

YANBU. FB can be a breeding ground for emotional affairs, flirtation, that thrill of awaiting secret, flattering messages.

On what basis do your DW and this man need to be friends? His shoulder to offload and cry on? If so - why? They've no friendship history. They just knew each other years ago.

You don't know that you saw all the messages either. But now it's out in the open and you've talked, hopefully this is the end of it and she won't meet up with a snake who feels its cool to meet up with a woman and talk in personal fashion about relationships - when she's already in a relationship, but not with him.

I think your issue is you can't understand why she would accept a friend request from and engage with this man, given circumstances back then, and now. You could ask her specifically about this aspect. Hope it puts your mind at rest then you can put this behind you

He has driven the contact. She seems to have kept him at arm's length. This is positive ....however, you seem to have been airbrushed out of the picture, and I wonder why. Is she keeping her distance because she truly wants to put him off, or is she playing it cool and hoping that he'll chase her?

Opposite sex friendships are not always a problem and not everything is an "emotional affair". However, I have concerns when "friendships" pop up like this, out of the blue, online. He's not someone who was her best mate at school with whom she's had intermittent contact since, and is genuinely and innocently delighted to be reconnecting with - he is an acquaintance who's sprung up from nowhere. I tend to find that a bit suspicious.

The secrecy is worrying.

Facebook messenger is a fertile ground for emotional affairs that could lead to more.

There hasn't been any sexual innuendo I take it? No terms of endearment ("hi gorgeous", "goodnight lovely" etc) ? That's good, but the xx at the end of messages is unusual for a hetero man writing to a woman he sees as a platonic friend, I think. I may be wrong.

Sorry it's a bit disjointed. I'm not really sure what to think.

She's flattered by the attention.
She wants a bit of flirting. ..maybe more.
She should have made it clear she's with you.

This is exactly how partners get their heads turned and affairs start.

I'd be worried that she failed to mention you at all.

What sort of a person is your DW?

The reason I asked is that this read like she is the sort of person who isn’t assertive and doesn’t like conflict.

At every point he’s in appropriate she responds with stuff about her family unit. She’s trying to bat him away by not showing interest in him and hoping it’ll fizzle out.

That’s my take on it as someone close to this sort of person. But is she?

Hi, thanks to everyone who responded to this, sorry I've not got round to reading them until today, you know how weekends can be!

Appreciate all the feedback and insight thanks, although DW didn't want to talk about this more I did bring it up again over the weekend as I was very uncomfortable about it. Not being a 'd*ck' (to quote above) about it, but genuinely to talk this through, as others mentioned, there were a few red flags, and if DW has issues with our relationship then I'd like us to get them into the open so that we can talk.

As to why DW accepted the contact request, she said she doesn't know, other than it surprised her and she likes talking to people.

When I asked why she would even respond to someone who acted in the way they did towards her her response was it was 20 years ago and sometimes people change (without going into specifics if this guy did what he did then now he would be arrested).

I've got to admit this I just don't get and we went round in circles on this one. Why would you invite potential trouble back into your life?

Something else that did come out during this conversation was that when they did know each other his wife at the time (who he is now divorcing) accused DW of having an affair with him, which is one of the reasons they broke contact (abuse and intimidation happened for a little while after, things like following her home from work etc).

I did ask outright if she did have an affair with this guy, to which the answer was no. It wouldn't have mattered to me if she had (it was 20 years ago after all), however it certainly would have put a different context on why he contacted her.

As DW wasn't entirely honest about this guys relationship status and the content of the messages it does make me wary.

I do think theres enough truth in this, though I'm working on half answers as DW didn't really want to talk about it, and again to quote someone above DW is someone who avoids conflict, so it is possible that she's behaved the way she has because she didn't know how to handle the situation.

A couple of other people noted that DW did seem to be non-committal in her responses (apart from agreeing to meet up), and I agree, I don't think there is anything inappropriate in the content of her messages and I'd agree she does seem to be keeping him at a distance.

What I'm uncomfortable with is the context, and intensity from a guy who she has had no contact with in 20 years, as someone mentioned a heterosexual male signing off messages with xxxxx to someone they've only just contacted after 20 years, it doesn't sound right.

It wasn't an easy conversation with DW, she's said she was stupid to hide things, when asking her why she would accept a contact request from someone who harassed her she says she didn't know and now feels a little wary herself, and if this guy contacts her is not going to respond.

Ed

Really dodgy. Most married partners would not be happy with that Fb conversation. She needs to have better boundaries. I strongly recommend the book "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass. I agree that you have probably prevented at least an emotional affair this time, but both of you should read that book and be aware of boundaries and how seemingly innocent situations can escalate into something that's not OK very easily, and be aware of how to prevent this.

I would be suspicious about this for a few reasons.

#1 she doesn’t seem to have mentioned you at all. She is deliberately hiding the fact she is married and that, to me, points towards someone who is attempting to seem romantically interesting to the other person.

#2 she didn’t tell you about it. If someone has nothing to hide, they will always be open and honest about it. She has hidden it until pushed into telling you. My DP has received texts from an ex of his in the past, he showed me straight away and blocked her number without response. I imagine if he had replied, he wouldn’t have been so forthcoming.

#3 I agree that the guy hasn’t stumbled across her by accident and decided to message her at 2am. Unless he works until late at night, the only reason most people are awake at this time is either because they are drunk or struggling to sleep as they have something on their mind. He clearly had your wife on his mind at the time and dug her out. It also quickly escalated to ‘lets meet up’.

You need to let your wife know how you feel. I don’t think meeting with this man is a good idea at all, sounds like the beginnings of an affair imo.

Her half hearted answers would make me even more suspicious of her reasons, I'd be keeping a very close eye on things from now on.

She’s not responsible for how many xxxx’s he puts at the end of messages tho. I have male friends who put anywhere from none to 3 xxx’s and that’s no indication of what they think of me.
I think you need to stop bringing it up now. Your DW had already stopped responding before you found out. Yes she didn’t mention you but nor did she claim to be free and single and available for more than a friendly catch up. Maybe she didn’t want to tell him about her new marriage because he was abusive previously. I know I’d be reluctant to discuss my marriage with an ex, because I just don’t want them to know the intimate details of my life. I also may agree to a meet up whilst simultaneously thinking “not a chance in hell of me actually going”.

Thanks again for the points of view. No I'm not planning on bringing this up again, but its certainly going to be difficult not to be paranoid for a while.

I get the comment on the 'xxxx's but this is not one of DW's male friends but someone who has contacted her out of the blue after 20 years at 2am in the morning. I don't consider it the same thing.

In fact when we talked about this, I asked DW whether if one of our mutual male friends asked her out for a coffee, whether she would and her answer was she'd say no as she thought it would be a bit weird. So my response understandably was why is this different?

May all be a storm in a tea cup, but we've been together 10 years so I hopefully know DW at least a little (!) and this just didn't seem right and wanted to get some more points of view and perspective on it so again appreciate the comments.

Ed

Her responses sound a bit guarded. Maybe he would be more interested if she was with someone? Maybe she knows the easiest way to be with him is non committal and hope he'll get bored? If he was abusive she may not be able to respond llto him like she would to a normal person. Is she still traumatised by his abuse?

I wonder if she was afraid to say no to him? Particularly as he has form for nastiness when rejected? I can't see much good coming from this, given their history.

I wouldn't like it either, personally. Whatever her motives are, he is clearly looking for a shag.

Are they going to meet? Is she being open with you about it?

The fact that at no point has she mentioned you is the overriding red flag here. I suspect she will meet him and you will not know a thing about it.

Hi all thanks again for the responses. Shes told me she completely regrets even accepting this contact request now and is not going to message this guy again. Of course its difficult to believe her as she has not been honest about a couple of things, and I’m not convinced she is being honest with the backstory either.

Thanks for the recommendation on the book “Not just friends” too, I started reading that today and its very good and almost spot on in our scenario, a boundary has definately been crossed in regards to the safety of our relationship whether there was intention from DW for that to happen or not.

But Whocansay if she was afraid to say no to him all she had to do was say she was married. That's a big ol' crucifix to hold up to her 'tormentor' right there.

She has tried to hide the original contact and the husband. It looks like a pile of steaming shit to OP because it is just that.

OP - this episode hasn’t exposed your wife as ‘untrustworthy’. Any one of us can enjoy a mild flirtation, or appreciate attention,in the moment - that we’d be mortified to have revealed to a partner. What this does reveal is that your wife vulnerable and so is your relationship.
Rather than seek to press home guilt and shame and penance on her - my advice would be to look to why she might be vulnerable? Look to connect a bit better, cherish each other a little more, find time for each other? From everything you’ve said - your DW hasn’t actually ‘done’ anything - and certainly isn’t thrill seeking. She was....curious, perhaps a little flattered, wistful, more open to approach by an old acquaintance than she should have been. And ashamed to tell you.
I think you should focus now on making your relationship right.