Help me to be happier & nicer please

[thegrumpy1]

Anyone got any advice?

I’ve always been quite an intolerant person - I struggle to cope with noise and mess.

Recently I just feel quite negative and grumpy. Irritable really. It’s not a good feeling and I know I’ve been snappy with my husband (not at the kids).

I find it hard to let go of past slights (I keep thinking about them) -stepsister, mother in law issues....Overall I just feel that I want to be in a better frame of mind and be a happier, calmer person.

I do enjoy my job although it’s stressful, my children are 11,13.16 so past the physically exhausting phase and I have no money worries. So really I should be super happy with life!!!

I was thinking CBT or mindfulness. I do yoga but find the heavy breathing men annoying I also wondered if it was hormonal (im 45) but I’ve always been a bit like this (although it's definitely got worse recently).

Any advice? Thank you!!! Oh and please be kind it’s hard to admit these things!

Oh, I honestly know how you feel. I went absolutely nuclear at my daughter the other morning; the flat had just been cleaned, and she got her slime everywhere. That particular craze will be the death of me!

I am a single parent of 3, I work full-time and have a small menagerie of pets. Mess really gets me down, and I sometimes feel like I'll cry if I have to make one more packed lunch or put one more fuckingwashing on. Like you, I can be irritable, and rather resentful.

On the other hand, I'm a bloody good person, and just doing the best I can.

I think it highly likely that I have OCD. This can affect your mind/thoughts too; it's not just the obsessive checking or hand-washing thing that many believe it to be!

Might that be the case for you? Or a bit of depression maybe? The worst is when you feel that you should be happier or enjoying life more. Truth is, when though your kids are now older and easier, life always presents new challenges at every stage. So ease up on the guilt!

I feel similar OP, you are not alone. You could be peri-menopausal, might be worth a chat with your gp? I've recently heard some bad news, something dreadful that a family is going through and it's made me put things into perspective somewhat. Easier said than done though isn't it because you can't help how you feel.

Have you tried St John's Wort or 5-HTP? Maybe look into them and see if it's something you'd like to try.

even though, not when though

Ooh, and google misophonia and see if that rings any bells. It's just that you mentioned noise a couple of times in your post

When I find myself getting annoyed and snappy I try to think about my long term goals and ask myself - does this help my long term goal? So my long term goal is to stay happily married. Obviously there are no guarantees but it's stopped me snapping. I still say if something is annoying me. But I really try and think about why I'm annoyed. Am I tired? Am I feeling unappreciated? Have I not had any time to myself? And if everything is in order and DH really is doing something not ok telling me off in a patronising way because I don't file immediately because I'm not the Secretary here I let him know in a calm and direct manner

Your mindfulness and CBT ideas are good. Or do something you like. When I'm learning and reading and exercising or spending time outside I'm happier. Block out some time regularly and Do what makes you happy.

Thank you all for being so kind - make me feel a bit tearful!!!

I will try some Herbal remedies I think and maybe look into CBT.

You’ve all given me really good advice and it’s nice to feel that I’m not alone. Although I’m sorry some of you are struggling too.

My son has been going through exams at the moment. He really struggles academically so that’s been a big strain and I’ve resented taking on board most of the mental and physical load of that whilst my husband is a bit oblivious. I know some people say we should let our children figure it out themselves but I didn’t want my bright but disorganised dyslexic (ADD) son to fail. I think that’s maybe tipped me over the edge the last few months!!!! We’ve been cooped up a bit too.

I think I do have misophonia- it’s horrible!!! Eating sounds make me Gosh I’m a delight aren’t I ?

Not sure about the OCD. It can definitely feel a bit obsessive the way that I can’t switch off from hurtful things. I’d love to be able to forget and just move on but I bear grudges - I’m the only one that loses out as they eat you up. I don’t have any obsessive behaviours though.

Thanks again - you are s

x

As a teacher, I like to say 'feck exams as a barometer for life!'. Exams are a way in to one particular route. Unless he wants to go the academic route of university then they are not a fail/succeed. Successful, happy lives are not judged by gcses or a-levels.

You sound like a wonderful caring mum, which is going to give him a wonderful start as life as an adult.

Thank you @thingsdogetbetter. Ironically I’m a teacher too!!! He does want to go to Uni so that’s where the extra pressure comes in. I totally agree with you about exams though! I just want him to do himself justice and feel like an achiever.

OP - have you been assessed for ADD too? My DD is currently undergoing assessment as an adult, and it's helping her by making sense of so many things that she struggled with over the years. I was thinking ASD when I was reading your post, but when you mentioned your son was ADD I just wondered...

CBT can be very good. Personally I've also recently started trying to pretend to be one of those people who makes everything look easy. It doesn't always work but does give me a rain check before overreacting about something that is actually quite easy!

I’m 43 and have felt pretty shitty about my life since I turned 40. It’s not that anything changed particularly but I just actually noticed how hard I’m working (at work and at life) and how little return I am getting on my investment. For the previous 20 years I’d been saying to myself ‘things will get easier when ...(insert future event here)’ but they never did and I got to thinking it must be something I keep doing to create these situations I’ve found myself in. I realised I had almost no sense of self and that my whole life had been prioritising other people’s needs above my own- basically codependency. My path out of this is self care while tackling my work addiction and lots of Yoga. Find a class without heavy breathing men, i’ve never had a problem with this tho I’m quite deaf in one ear so that might help!

Hi
Zaphod- I’ve never been assessed for ADD or ASD. I maybe have traits but I don’t think I have enough to diagnose although I could be wrong.

Aria - yes channelling a chilled out person (my lovely yoga teacher who is wonderfully friendly and positive that you can’t help but warm to her!)

Who should I go to see? I don’t want to bother the GP as if feels more of a personality thing rather than a medical thing. It would be nice to have a bit of guidance and help from someone. My husband can be tolerant but he’s now started overreacting at anything remotely critical I say because he says he’s so used to me criticising him. Not good.

I think your first step would be to find a good CBT counsellor. They will be able to help you change the pattern of negative thinking that has become habitual to you. Good luck!

@greatbighillofhope- thanks for your reply. I wish you all the best at finding future happiness.

I’m going to look into CBT. I already feel better today having seen friends this morning and made some plans to have friends over later in the month. I had some news about my step sister which would normally send me back down into a negative spiral but I’ve managed to pick myself up out of it and send her a supportive text ( and tried not to get annoyed that she’s not replied!)

Wishing everyone peace and happiness

Movement is really good for the mind..... So is walking barefoot on the grass. Winter I go for sunbeds when I am feeling blue.

A man bumped into me on the street the other day, and I apologised, and he didn't, and I ran up the street and had it out with him. After I thought if there was a camera on me recording, would I have behaved that way. Flying off the handle I do sometimes.... I know it's linked to sugar lows.

CBT is great, and for those interested there are youtubes about CBT to help you process your thoughts, catastrophising is common problem for me, as is being convinced at what others think.

Having a walking buddy is good, gets you out-it's a good time to process thoughts.

Glad you're feeling better. As far as i recall i asked my gp about cbt and was referred to an online course. Re criticizing your husband maybe just try and catch yourself and not do it for a while? Think 'do I really need to say this' or 'how would I feel if he said the equivalent thing to me'.