Husbands Drinking

[BeigeIsTheNewBeige]

Name changed for this but I'd like to get another perspective (also not a troll, you'll realise why I've said this later).

Husband has had a drinking 'problem' since we met. His favourite thing to do was come home from work, start on a four pack, finish on a bottle of wine and fall asleep. On weekends he'd go in his shed, start drinking cans at about 10 in the morning then go to the off licence for a box of wine, drink all afternoon and fall asleep in the evening (although he denies it was ever that bad but it was).

He stopped due to a health issue which was when I realised how horrendous his drinking habits had become. However, he started to slide back into it eventually but I put my foot down and said he couldn't drink in the house but could still go out with his friends for a drink. Which, tbf, he's more or less stuck to.

But then when he did go out he started drinking more and more in short spaces of time so he'd come home absolutely bladdered, losing his keys, being unable to string a sentence together etc. Til it came to a head a few months ago. He came home one night, totally wankered, fell asleep on the bathroom floor and had 'an accident'. In his pissed up state he preceded to wipe it all over the walls. He somehow got into the shower, then staggered to bed and just left the mess. Because we have kids, I had to clean it all up. When he woke up, he tried to downplay it but he got a bollocking off me and I threatened to leave him and he ended up being contrite and promising to reform his drinking habits.

The thing is I don't seem to care. I'm half wishing he'd go and do something stupid so I have an excuse to leave him. I suppose my question is, is there any coming back from this and should I just let it go or do they ever change? I feel I'm just waiting for him to cock up again and because there haven't really been any consequences for him, he will. But he's not a fucking child, he's a grown man in his fifties. Interested in all points of view if you managed to wade through all that.

Hmm. I couldn't live like this. Wiping shit all over the walls should have been his rock bottom shouldn't it ? However, it seems he is quite willing to go even lower than that and drag you down with him

You have a serious decision to make , I think. Waiting for him to fuck up again isn't the answer and you know it

Look, he's an alcoholic. You know it. And he won't stop drinking while he has you in his comfy life, cleaning up his mess, letting him go out on the piss.

What you are feeling is the start of emotional detachment - this is good. It is what let me tell my STBXH, also an alcoholic, to shape up or we would divorce. He tried rehab, relapsed and tried to lie about it and that was it - marriage over. We are now no longer living together and the DDs and I have not been this happy in years.

You cannot be with this man while he is still drinking. You are enabling him. So tell him to shape up or ship out - and mean it. Get your boundaries in and stick to them.

To help you do that, find an Al-Anon support group in your area - it's for the relatives/spouses of alcoholics. I go to a group weekly. They have helped me enormously, have provided counselling for my DDs and are generally wonderful.

Take those first steps on the road to getting your life back. You may end up divorcing like me, or your H may realise he has a problem - but you can't go on like this.

Thank you, you're both right but I guess I needed to hear it from someone else.

No you should not let this go and no they do not change. You're still there bailing him out for a start.

The 3cs of alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

What are the two of you teaching your children about relationships here, you want them to grow up thinking this is their norm or for them to have a relationship like this with an alcoholic too?. You're showing them that currently at least this is still acceptable to you on some level and you are both teaching them damaging lessons on relationships. They are certainly seeing your reactions both spoken and unspoken to all this. Making threats to leave him are no use at all if you do not follow them through. Your boundaries here anyway are way too low and he has walked all over them without consequence. I would agree that you are now starting the process of emotionally detaching and that is good because you can only help you ultimately. His previous verbal promises to reform his drinking are worth nothing; he is simply paying lip service and he does not want to actually address the root causes of his alcoholism. Like many alcoholics as well, he is in denial as to how much he is actually putting away.

I sincerely hope none of you people ever get in a car with him. If he is working then he may well end up losing his job as a result of his alcoholism.

There are no guarantees here; he could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

Why are you and he together at all now, what are you still getting out of this relationship?. Something is still keeping you with this drunkard man so what is it?.

You already have good reason to leave him; his alcoholism. His primary relationship is with drink (its not with you or the kids) and his thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from. What you have done here to date is play out the usual roles associated with such spouses; those of provoker (you never forget), enabler and codependent and none of that works. And he should have cleared up his shitty mess, not you.

Did you at all grow up seeing similar from parents?.

Your energies would be now better employed going to Al-anon meetings as the previous poster has suggested and seeking legal advice re separation from this marriage.

Alcoholism is not known also as the family disease for nothing. Like many many posts of this type its mainly about the alcoholic too.

Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you are away from him. And that will take time, years even.

@AttilaTheMeerkat sorry if I didn't make it clear in the OP. He doesn't drink constantly like he used to but you're right, nobody should have been getting in a car with him the morning after. When he has a 'session' now, he does it when he has a day to recover when he won't have to drive.

Tbf, he hasn't had a drink since the incident but he was making noises about going out at some point and was horrified when I said I'd prefer it if he never drank again.

In answer to your other question, I suppose I stayed with him in the past because I loved him. But everything else you say makes sense and thank you for replying. I need a harsh talking to tbh, I've put up with his crap for far too long.

He does not have to drink constantly to have a long standing alcohol dependency problem. Not all alcoholics as well spend all day on park benches, some hold down jobs and have families as well.

Yes you have put up with his crap for too long and it may well be also that you have confused love here with codependency. Codependency often features in these types of relationships and I am wondering if you are codependent. You state you loved him, note the past tense here. Its no reason to be staying within such a dysfunctional relationship and the emotional harm being done to your kids as well is incalculable.

He should never drink again but you've seen all too clearly that this idea is anathema to him. Drink still comes before everything else and alcohol is a cruel mistress. He won't change but you can change how you react to him and going to Al-anon meetings would be helpful in their own right. At the very least call their helpline and read their literature.

Hard as it is to read I would read this too:-

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

I had that moment with my ex husband, though not over drinking. Something happened and I remember closing my eyes, waiting to feel the blow, and realising actually it meant nothing. He meant nothing to me. It's both a really horrible moment and a really liberating moment.

It sounds as though you've had that moment. Don't waste any more of your life now.

I hate my husband’s drinking, but in comparison to yours it is very minor. I could not stay with someone who smeared shit on the walls. That is horrendous. My dad was an alcoholic, it was so frightening seeing that as a child. Do you want your kids to witness this?

I'm half wishing he'd go and do something stupid so I have an excuse to leave him

So what you've said isn't enough? What the fuck do you think he needs to do for you to have an excuse to leave?

He's an alcoholic.
He prioritises alcohol over you and his dcs.
He has not changed despite health problems, apologies and promises to reform.

What more are you waiting for to remove your dcs from living with a man like this?

You have lost all respect for this man (not surprised!)
He has a drink problem that he refuses to acknowledge or do anything about.
Can you keep living like this?

Please Google "adult children of alcoholics". That's your dc's future if you don't leave.

My ex never changed and as far as I know he is still an alcoholic! He begged me not to leave him, said he could change all said between sips of his beer! I had been out and I came in and passed the bedroom. I witnessed him squatting crapping on the floor, I walked straight back out! The one time he got help from alcohol services he lied to them about how much he drank! There is a lot more I could say but in my view and having worked with people with addictions it’s not too often they change. They need to really want to and most don’t. You should perhaps put things in place to finish the marriage.

I'm half wishing he'd go and do something stupid so I have an excuse to leave him

How much more stupid do you need it to be if getting drunk, shitting himself and wiping it over the walls, risking his kids finding it and him, isn't stupid enough for you op? How much more stupid do you need it to be before you decide it's stupid enough?

You're married to an alcoholic. It's not fair to know it and bring kids up in that environment. Personally I would not bring my children up in a home where their father got drunk and wiped his excrement on the walls.

It's your decision and yours alone if you do bring them up in this environment, So I hope you find the stench to leave for everyones sake.

I'm a very long time sober alcoholic. I went into rehab because I hated who I had become and I loved my DH. So people can get and stay sober but it's up to them. You can't do anything.

He doesn't want to change. You need to take care of yourself and your DC. If he's suffering serious health problems as a result of his drinking he's a long way down the slope of alcoholism.

Kick him out, maybe on the basis that if he gets sober and is attending frequent meetings (about 4 a week for the first year) he can come back. Then stop worrying about him. It's his life and his decision.